阿Lam日記 (Ah-Lam's Diary)

Final Post...The Journey Continues at www.alfredlam.ca

2009-09-01T21:57:00.001-07:00

This will be the final post to ah-lam diary. For 3 years, and over 100 posts, this blog has chronicled my life's journey through the high's and low's. After talking extensively with friends and family, we feel that the time has come for me to move forward to try and use my life experiences as a blessing, encouragement and inspiration to others. Part of that involves moving my blog to a new format and a new website to allow me to connect with more people.

So, as of right now, ah-lam diary is closed. Please visit me at my new website:

www.alfredlam.ca

In a split second...anything can happen

2009-08-19T22:11:00.001-07:00

Today started out just like any other day. Got up, drove Anna to work, dropped Taylor off at school, went to the office.

Travelled to another meeting that ended early. Had 15 minutes to spare before I had to pick up Taylor from school. Decided to stop by Chapters to browse. Found out my favorite photography author had just came out with the newest volume of his book series. Cool. Bought it.

Picked up Taylor, as usual. Buckle her in the car, as usual. Gave her her after school snack, as usual.

We started talking as I drove to pick up Anna. About 10 minutes into the ride, I suddenly heard her cough, and then stopped talking.

I turned, her mouth was opened. She was staring at me, desperatelly trying to tell me something. But no words came out. I instinctly knew what was happening...my daughter was choking...

I slammed on the brakes, stopped the car in the middle of a busy street at the height of rush hour, jumped out of my seat and rushed to her aid. Thankfully, she managed to gag and spit out the food and breathe again. She was crying. She was so scared. I held her...so tightly...."You are okay, sweetheart....you are okay...."

I would live 1000 years and never forget that look in my daughter's eyes: Filled will fear, desperately reaching for me, wanting to say, "Daddy! HELP ME!!!" but not being able to speak or breathe...

I had gone through tough times before, but I will gladly endure everything 100 times over rather than ever seeing that look on her face again...

I guess what I am trying say is simply this. In a split second, anything can happen.

Whatever you have been dreaming to do, the things that you have been meaning to say, the love that you have been wanting to give....

What are you waiting for?

Working on a new project

2009-08-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

Aiya! Long time no post! These days, I am on the road a lot, busy visiting different non-profit community service agencies as part of a research project. In all my meetings, I am constantly amazed by how much good work these organizations do with the little resources that they have. They are staffed by passionate individual who earn, in some cases, embarrasingly low salaries. They work with shoe-string budgets, crammped office spaces, and outdated equipment. But whenever they talk about the work that they do, their eyes light up and their passion comes through.

Part of the project I am doing involves trying to find ways to mobilize volunteers in the community to get involved in what these agencies do. It has been a great learning experience for me as well! Just this week I met with an organization that serves people living with AIDS and an opportunity opened up for me to get involved with them, helping to train their public speakers. A lot of the details still need to be worked out, but I can't wait!

My new website is being worked on, and hopefully will be ready to be announced in a couple of weeks. I have done most of the writing, and now we are working on the look and feel of it and some design issues.

Hope you are having a great summer, and stay tuned for the launch of the new site!

I'm still waiting...

2009-07-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today I was invited to speak to a Seniors group about the importance of getting involved with the community. I encouraged them by telling them that apart from performing various tasks with different agencies, volunteering can also be a way that they can establish new friendships in the community and sharing their valuable life experiences. Many of the seniors live lonely and isolated lives and I tried to encourage them to never think they have nothing worth contributing.

I concluded my speech by sharing this photograph, which I called "Waiting". I shared with them that when I look at this photograph, the tree looks so lonely. It was as if he is standing alone, staring at the barrenness of winter, just standing there, waiting...but not even sure what he is waiting for. But then I told them to look closely at the tree, (you can't see it very well here). If you look closely, you will actually see that even though the tree looks lifeless and bare, on the branches there are actually small buds...quiet signs of new life.

After the talk, the lady who was in charge of the program came up to me and shared with me her own experiences and struggles in life. She thanked me for the words and the picture and said she was encouraged to "keep waiting". She wasn't even supposed to be there today, but had to cover for another colleague who had been transferred to another job. I couldn't help but think that perhaps she was "meant to be there". Even though she was not religious...perhaps Someone was looking out for her just the same...

At night, my wife shared with me a funeral service she attended during the day. The minister spoke from Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd..." The first thing the minister said was "This psalm tells us that the Lord is our shepherd. But he is not everybody's shepherd. He is only shepherd to those who are Christians..."

sigh.

new thought on 'healing'...

2009-07-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Just came back from a wonderful lunch with my pastor (at Burger King, of all places!! More proof that it is the company rather than the food that makes the dining experience worthwhile :). During our time together I had one of those moments where I heard myself saying something and then thinking, "Damn!! That was good! Gotta write it down quick." So...here we are :)

My pastor asked me, "How is your healing process coming along?" I thought for a while and then I uttered the following profound statement: (Which, if I had lived 2,000 years ago, I am quite sure would've made it into the New Testament Canon :)

"I am slowly learning that healing happens not so much when you notice an absence of pain, but rather when you develop the perspective to see how the injury fits into the story that is your life, and then you learn to embrace that pain so that it's part of your story moving forward."

So...there you go. Another one for the "Alfred-ism" folder. :)

New Start Coming!!

2009-07-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

October 25, 2006.

That was the date Ah-Lam's Diary was born. My very first blog entry.

Sitting down tonight and reading through my past entries and comments from others, it is amazing to to me how this blog had been a chronicle of my life's journey for the last 2.5 years. It 'documented' the absolute lowest moments of my life thus far, but even so, reading my old entries tonight have shown me a sense of direction in my life's narrative.

In an entry dated November 21 2006, I posted a list of questions that I was wrestling deeply with. I concluded with: "Why is it that after 16 years as a pastor, I feel more and more lonely and less and less at home in the church community?" The very next entry documented me turning down opportunities to serve in Christian organizations and ventured out to volunteer for the Aids Committee of Toronto. Little did I know at the time, that would prove to be the beginning of a major turning point in my life.

The following year, I was diagnosed with depression. I cannot describe the sense of absolute and utter darkness and hopelessness that became my everyday life. More than once I had seriously contemplated suicide. During that period of darkness I made a mistake that would change my life forever. In the aftermath, I left professional ministry, and the church community that I had devoted practically my entire adult life to serving.

At that time, I looked for friendship among those I trusted the most within the church, instead I found rejection and betrayal that to this day stab at my heart. I was casted off, and thus began my exile from the Christian community for over a year. In many ways, I was "wandering in the wilderness".

But as it is so often the case within the Biblical narrative, it is in the wilderness that one hears God's voice, and new life begins to germinate...

The point of this is not to rehash old wounds. Rather, through looking back now, I see a direction to my life that I haven't noticed as clearly before. From my increasing feeling of being a "stranger" within the institutional church, to my experience of speaking to secular audiences as part of my work now, to the project in Sichuan where I used music and the spoken word to encourage the students in an non-religious setting, I feel more and more certain that perhaps the purpose of my life is to use my gifts and abilites in word and music to bring encouragement to those outside of the religious circles. From speaking in a Mosque in North York to performing in a school in Sichuan, I have noticed a common need: people's hearts need to be ministered to.

In many ways, the trip to Sichuan was the "final push" for me. As such, in the very near future I will be taking another major step forward in this journey. I will be closing this blog, and migrating it over to a new personal website where I will continue to write with the intention of encouraging readers. Additionally, I will launch a new website that I hope will be a new written word platform for "marginalized" voices. I will also be looking to be active in the community doing concerts and speaking events, all with the simple intention of being an 'encouragement' to whomever I cross paths with. Stay tune for these exciting new beginnings, and for those of you who are the "praying types", please remember me.

So, in the very near future, we will say good-bye to "Ah-Lam". But at the same time, we will say hello to "Alfred", hopefully another step closer to whom I was made to be...

Sichuan Reflection: It's Always in the Little Things

2009-07-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

Wow...I had promised to share about some of my experiences in Sichuan after given time to 'process' everything. I had no clue it would take me so long to 'make sense' of the whole experience and be able to write about it coherently. Rather than writing from the "big picture" perspective, I thought what may be helpful is for me to capture some of the small episodes that happened during the trip. I have often found that the most significant lessons are learned in the seemingly most insignificant moments...

It was our final day with the students in Sichuan. As scheduled, we would perform twice during the day to different groups of students, and in the evening there will be a final show in front of about 700 students and guests. After the first concert of the day, 2 students came up to me with a request. Since they were graduating, they really wanted to express their gratitude to their teachers and they asked if we can perform a song on their behalf that same night in the evening program. Right away two flags went up in my mind: First, the rundown for the evening program has been locked down and I knew it was a tight schedule. Second, for the song to have meaning, it really should come from the students rather than from us. I had wanted to politely say no, but something within me prompted: "Give this a chance, don't shoot it down..."

So I gave the students 2 challenges: First, I wanted them to check with the producer of the evening final concert to see if they can be slotted into the rundown. Second, I told them that I don't want to sing it. Rather, if they got permission from the producer, I want them to gather their entire class to perform the song, and I gave them a deadline of 2 hours to pull it off. As I watched the two of them ran off, I really didn't think they could get past our producer or they could get the graduating class together in a couple of hours.

To my surprise, that afternoon they came back to look for me after our second concert. With smiles on their faces, they said, "We are good to go!" One problem, none of them play any instruments. The only record they have of the song is in one of their cell phones. Again, something within me prompted: "Help them out." So I asked to listen to it. He held up the phone to my ear. It was a Mandarin song called "Wishing You Peace." I have never heard it before, but I quickly put together a simple accompliment on the guitar and told them, "OK! I play, you guys sing!" They were so excited as they ran off to tell their classmates...I wished I had my camera to capture their faces :-) I then found our pianist and told him what we are going to do. Poor guy, he didn't even have a chance to hear the song once. All I said to him was, "Ok, I have heard it once....just follow along....D Major." He said, "O.....Okay."

When I saw them on stage performing during the evening program and dedicating the song to their teachers, I was so glad we allowed it to happen. It was only then that I saw how important it was for them to give something back. The earthquake had taken away so much from them. It took away their homes, their parents, their friends and their health. In the year following, when they lived in substandard conditions in temporary shelters, it continued to strip away their dignity as humans. As I played guitar and looked into their eyes during the performance, I saw a pride and dignity restored. Not from what they "received" from us, but because they could choose to "give" of themselves again. Again, I was reminded of that simple truth: Our lives, our personhood, are measured not by how much we receive, but by how much we give.

It occured to me, upon reflection that if we truly believe "it is more blessed to give than to receive", this should have profound implications on everything from how we help others as individuals to global foreign aid policies: If we truly want to be a blessing, perhaps our ultimate goal should not simply be giving to others, but rather, giving to them AND enabling them to in turn, give.

Perhaps this has implications on all forms of giving as well? For instance, will this shape the way we do counselling? Rather than looking at counselling as helping individuals with their own issues as an end, may be the ultimate goal should be restoring that individual so he/she can in turn help others?

Looking back on Sichuan...

2009-07-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

Last night our music team gathered and had a debriefing session. For myself, it was literally the first time I had seen the other members since I had gotten back to Toronto. Almost as soon as we got back together, we started FD-ing again without missing a beat. (FD is a term we were introduced to by Brian, our member from Calgary when we were in Sichuan. It stands for "Fat Din" in Cantonese which means "being crazy".

It was Mandy's birthday and members of the Sichuan team secretly made a video for her with different people sending her birthday wishes and compiled into one video. Needless to say, tears flowed freely as she watched it.

During the evening, as we shared about our where we are at after the Sichuan trip, I began to notice one common thread...basically all six of us, despite different background and age (okay, okay, 5 of us were similar in age, being younger, with yours truly being "a little" more...let's say, 'matured'), were all at a point in life where we feel we want to do something different, but unsure of what, where, when, or how.

Could this be a reason why we were brought together as a team? Not just to put together the Sichuan music project, but also to help each other as we each pursuit our dreams and calling after the trip is over? Is it possible that there will be something in each of our dreams that we share in common that will bring us together again?

I can't wait...

Sichuan Reflection - When all is said and done

2009-06-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

"Hey! Welcome back! How was your trip?"

I don't know how many times I have been asked that in the last few days. In a way that is the most natural question to ask someone who's just returned from a trip. At the same time, for me at least, it has been a tremendously difficult question to answer meaningfully. How do you squeeze so much experience into a 30 second answer?

I have been trying to gather my thoughts to write about the trip on my blog. Even though I am slowly gaining some clarity, I am not quite yet at the point where memories, emotions, ideas and thoughts can be translated into words. I have been going through in my mind the different highlights on the trip, freezing moments and memories (music team: does that sound familiar? :) and playing them back in my mind like a slideshow. In the last couple of days, one image in particular has occupied my mind...

I was back in my Hong Kong hotel room after returning from Sichuan. Because the room only has one bed, Taylor had been sharing it with Anna and I. The first morning after I got back, I woke up a little earlier than usual. I looked over at Anna and Taylor who were still sleeping. After a few minutes, Taylor stirred, stretched, and after rubbing her eyes with her little hands, she opened them and saw me looking at her. With a smile that will melt any father's heart, she said, "Daddy, I am so glad you are back..."

That moment has taught me a great deal. It is natural after an experience like we had at Sichuan and ask: "What's next ?" The danger is that we get caught up in chasing after the next "episode", trying to duplicate and outdo the last experience. My little girl reminded me that life is not simply a collection of experiences. Life is not a photo-album. Rather, it is a flowing story, a narrative. A narrative where you continuously figure out "who am I?" "Why am I here?" "What am I called to do?". We all need a place, a space where we can feel safe to ask and think upon those questions. Different people have different names for that place. For me, that's where I call "home".

"Home" is the place where I always need to learn to return to. Bringing with me everything I have gathered during my wanderings, sorting out the treasure from the junk, and then ask, together with those I love and those who love me, "where do WE go next?"Without that "homecoming", I find that I live selfishly and foolishly. I ask only what "I" want, and I fail to see what is truly "real". Isn't that the lesson learned by the "prodigal son" in the Bible?

To all my teammates: You've all given so much on this journey, you must be so weary. Why don't you go "home", wherever that may be. Laid down you bags, put up your feet, and rest your body and soul for a while? Don't worry about the next step...that will come tomorrow, and tomorrow will always "take care of itself." For now, allow yourself to enjoy the warmth of being loved for simply being who you are, not what you do. Like me, there are those who are waiting for you, longing to say to you...

"I'm so glad you are back"

Road to Sichuan - Finding Redemption in the midst of Brokenness (1)

2009-06-12T03:24:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since my last blog entry. In my last couple of posts I shared with you some of the significant events in my own life journey, including running my first road race in years and taking part in communion for the first time in 2 years. In the last few weeks, my journey took me to the last place I had expected to go: Sichuan, China - the place of the devastating earthquake back on May 12, 2008.

Through a series of unexpected events, many of them unbeknown to me, I was invited to be a part of a large project to bring different art forms to Beichuan Middle School in Sichuan, China. Beichuan Middle School was located in one of the most devastated areas during the earthquake. The school itself was completely demolished, with about 1600 students and teachers (about half the population of the school) killed or missing. It was the the hardest hit school in the disaster, drawing visits afterwards from Premier Wen JiaBao. I was asked to lead a team of musicians to perform a series of concerts/workshops for the students. The different art forms represented in the larger team included: Visual Arts, Painting, Dance, Crafts, Stage theatre, with another team coordinating recreational and educational games and activities, and a team of youth mentors to chat with the students.

I am now sitting in my Hong Kong hotel room, having just completed the project with the final show last night and returning to Hong Kong this morning. It was a tightly packed trip right up to the final moments: I literally got off the stage after the final show and hopped on to the bus for a two hour ride to Chengdu, the capital city of Sichuan for an early morning flight out to Hong Kong the next morning. This is the first opportunity for me to reflect on the whole experience. As I do, I am just beginning to realize the magnitude of what just happened and how precious an experience this is. Because of the special importance and high profile of the school, it was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that I was given to be a part of this effort. So far on this trip, there has been so many life-changing moments of historic importance:

- Being in Hong Kong at the 20th anniversary of the 6-4 event in Tiananmen Square, and being able to witness the historic march and be present with 150,000 people at the candle light gathering.

- Having the opportunity to visit some of the most devastated areas during the earthquake. Nothing in my lifetime has prepared me to witness the degree of devastation, even a year after the fact. Mountains crumbled and the land literally opened up. As I quietly stood among the rubble, I thought about the meaning of the expression: "The blood of the people cries out from the ground..."

- Meeting the students who survived the earthquake and hearing their stories, I found renewed faith in the indominable strength of the human spirit. The resiliance and the dignity that they live with absolutely humbled me.

- In each of the concerts, seeing the music moving the students to open up: tears flowed freely as they shared their experiences. For all of the musicians, we were literally drained of emotions and tears by the end of the final show.

- Given the threat of the H1N1 situation, it was a miracle that the project took place at all.

I experienced so much during this trip that I am completely overwhelmed in every way possible. I think it will take me a long time to process everything that happened. What I'd like to do is that over the next few entries on this blog, I will share about different aspects of the trip. I took over 1,000 shots and I will share some of those photos as well.

As I sit and write this, once again I realized that every experience in life is part of a larger context of redemption. For myself, this trip has been a chapter in my journey that was definitely not authored and orchestrated by me. Over the next few entries, I look forward to discovering some of the life-changing lessons that I learned, together with you.

Stay tuned.

-

Another Step Forward

2009-05-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday we enjoyed an interesting worship service at our church. Rather than the "typical" teaching/preaching time, we had what was called a "family worship time": Each of us were given a piece of paper and crayons and we were encouraged to draw a picture in answer to certain questions about our experiences of God. There was a list of perhaps 15-20 questions to choose from, and we were told to simply pick one that "speaks" to us and draw a picture as a response.

When I looked down the list of questions, I came to one that for some reason drew me in. The question was: "What would a reflection of God's smile look like?"

For some reason, I couldn't take my eyes away from the phrase "God's smile". On one hand, it sounded like something so abstract. But as I thought about it, slowly the abstract became concrete. In my mind I saw the smiles of Anna and Taylor. It then occured to me that the one place on earth where I experience what is closest to God's unconditional and undeserved love, and yes, see God's smile is at home. So I grabbed my crayons and paper and produced the above masterpiece :-)

Following the "family worship time", we had the weekly Lord's Supper time. A few "Worship stations" are set up with bread and wine, and members are encouraged to go up and partake the Lord Supper whenever they are ready. So far, I have never taken part in it. After my experience of betrayal and rejection by those whom I trusted the most in my former community, I really was not sure if I ever want to be a part of any Christian community again. But last Sunday, as I sat there looking down at the picture that I had drawn, "seeing" God's smile, for the first time in a long, long time, I felt "safe". Suddenly, at the same time Anna turned to me and asked, "would you like to go and partake the Jesus meal with me?" (That was the first time she's asked me.) I nodded yes, and we went up together. There was no fanfare, everyone was worshipping and reflecting in their own "space". But for the first time in almost 2 years, I took part in that rich, historical, symbolic act of Christian community. Clutching the picture in my hand, it was as if for the first time, I saw God smiling at me. As I quietly took the bread and the wine, the weekly repeated words rang in my ears with renewed meaning: "This is my body, broken, for YOU..."

Finishing the Race!!

2009-05-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today I did something that I hadn't done in a few years. I ran a road race.

I first got into distance running more than 10 years ago. It was during a time of personal turmoil, and I needed running as an outlet to channel my pain and release my stress. I remembered running my first marathon, the 1995 Toronto Marathon, and how it felt to finally cross the finish line.

I had hoped to finish at around 4 hours, it ended up taking me almost 5. I have run other marathons since then, but that day I learned the most important about life and running: In a long distance run, you are not competing against other runners. The challenge is the distance, and it means different things to different runners: For some, they run as a symbolic battle against an illness. Others chose to run in the midst of difficult personal circumstances to declare they are not going to quit. For all, the best part of the run is at the finish line, where you look back at the distance you conquered and whatever that represented to you and you say, "F**K YOU!!"

Today's race was only a 10K. The first race I have run in several years. But as soon as I left the house, all the familiar feelings and memories returned: the chill of the early morning air, the energy of the crowd at the start area, trying to stay warm after I checked in my warm up suit, the sound of the horn to begin the race...

After I finished and they put the medal around my neck, I felt almost lost in the sea of people (12,000 runners ran the race today!). I looked around and did not find anyone I know. I didn't even know what my time was. But it didn't matter. I looked down at the medal, and said to no one in particular, "I am back running. The road's got nothing on me..."

On Easter

2009-04-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

This has been a special weekend for us. As part of the week-long surprise birthday celebration I planned for Anna, after I picked her up from work on Thursday evening, we drove 9 straight hours to spend the weekend in Chicago. Anna didn't suspect a thing! I even managed to pack her bags for the weekend, with all the right cloths, clean underwear for everyone, AND all her lotions and potions! (To all those of little faith and doubted if I can pull it off, let me hear you now...who's your daddy?? :)

It's been a while since the last time I drove 9 hours straight. But surprisingly I did ok. On the way down, Anna and I had a lot of time to talk. We talked about Taylor, we talked about our marriage, we talked about our plans for the future, we talked about our dreams, and we talked about our faith. We both noted that being away meant we won't be attending any church services or religious activities over the Easter weekend.

A few short years ago this would've been unthinkable. But life for us has changed over the last couple of years. To this day, we feel sad and hurt about the abandonment and betrayal we suffered from some in the church community that we had devoted our entire lives to. To this day, special days like Easter brings us saddness at the notion of being abandoned and left behind. But at the same time, we both felt that leaving that environment has done more to crystalize and grow our faith than anything else we have experienced in more than 20 years of being Christians. It has forced us to stop defining our faith by membership to an institution or attendence at meetings.

Rather, we now see our Christian faith as a daily decision to live the kind of lives that Jesus modelled for us. Jesus said, "I am the way..." We now see that Jesus did not come to start a "religion". Rather, He came to announce good news and to give us a model. The good news is that the Kingdom of God is here. God is here, and God is at work in doing something greater than we can ever imagine. Jesus then modeled a way of living, and offered us a Way to live that will allow our lives to become part of what God wants to do in the world.

This changes everything for us. For us, Easter no longer means attending a once a year special church service. Rather, we "celebrate" Easter daily by living with the conviction that today, and everyday, I can wake up to the reality that God wants to do something new in me and through me. As we talked on the long drive down to Chicago, we realized that throughout this journey, God has "overhauled" our lives and put in a whole bunch of new parts: our understanding of Him and His work, our appreciation for family and friendship, our marriage, our way of parenthood, among other things.

We had a great weekend with lots of good eats (Chicago deep dish pizza...yummm :) but we had to leave Chicago at 6am on Sunday morning because we wanted to catch Taylor's skating class in Toronto Sunday afternoon. As I drove off, I reflected on the whole weekend with all the laughter and good food, fun with Taylor, long talks with Anna, and it occured to me that this was probably the most meaningful Easter weekend that I have ever "attended". I looked out the car and saw the Sun just beginning to rise over the beautiful Chicago skyline. What a breath taking, beautiful sight! It was as if God was whispering: "Look! A new day has begun..."

Thoughts from "loot bagging"

2009-03-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

Today we took our little girl to a birthday party. Towards the end of the party I was watching the little kids as the host parents handed out the "loot bags", which are little "take away" bags with small toys and snacks .

As parents we know there is ONE cardinal rule when it comes to receiving loot bags. For those of you who are parents to be, learn this rule well: DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow your child to see what's in other kid's loot bags. Grab it, say thank you, and head out to the car. Do not stop, do not linger, do not look back. (Look what happened to Lot's wife!)

You see, here is the problem. The world will be very simple if the host parents simply hand out identical loot bags to every child. "One lollipop for you, one lollipop for you, one for you..." BUT in an effort to demonstrate that "personal touch", parents these days often arrange for "personalized loot bags". That's fine, except that when the kids get to see and compare loot bags, human nature takes over:

"Why does he gets the cool Buzz Lightyear action figure when I only get a frisbee? I don't like frisbees!"

"How come she gets the pink bag?"

"Awww...I want that one instead..."

I was thinking about this in church on Sunday. It occured to me that the same "why-can't-I-have-what-he's-got" question has some serious global implications. For so long, we have lived in world of extreme economic injustice. With the internet and global communications technologies, we can now see with our own eyes on the TV's in our kitchens the devastation of poverty and hunger in the poor nations, where every second a child dies from hunger related illnesses.

Meanwhile half way around the world...

A father whose child is dying because he cannot get the most basic medical care looks on the TV in the hospital. He sees the abundance we enjoy in North America. And he asks, "why can't my child have what they've got?"

I wonder...as a Christian, what should our voice be?

How do we justify the hundreds of millions we spend on ourselves in the form of church buildings, staff, facilities, programming, etc when children are starving to death?

We enjoy low priced products manufactured in countries with cheap labor costs. Most of us don't even think about the labor practice of those countries until we start losing manufacturing jobs.

I wonder...when I hear Christians praying for "economic recovery"...what are we asking for? Are we really asking God to return us to a situation where we can continue to enjoy our own abundance built on the back of an economic system that is unjust and oppressive? A system where we can continue to enjoy the largest and best "loot bags", while the children from the rest of the world look to us and ask "why can't I have what they have?"

I wonder...why is it so difficult for us as Christians to develop a worldview that is global and holistic?

Just some thoughts from loot bagging....

Conflict

2009-03-16T13:10:00.001-07:00

Today I looked at the work of an award winning photographer who "specializes" in war photography. In one collection of images he captured the brutal execution of a government soldier in the midst of the conflict in Burma, home of the longest running civil war on the planet.

The man who carried out the execution was an 18 year old young man who had joined a guerrilla army that was waging war against the government. Listen to the way his (brief) life was described by the photographer:

"when he was 12 years old, Burmese government troops came into his village and killed his mother and father right in front of him... they then bashed him in the head with a rifle butt and left him for dead... the boy survived this ordeal, but suffered the loss of his right eye - and the loss of his childhood... by the time I photographed the executions, he was 18 and a member of a special commando unit... his superior officer told me that the young man often had to be restrained after an engagement with government troops, to keep him from sneaking back to the corpses and eating body parts... when he carried out the executions, it was unimaginably savage and shocking - much of the worst of it I did not capture on film... he was oblivious to the horror, lost in a haze of hate and revenge... each stab of the blade was a way to get back for the loss of his parents, his eye, his childhood... A few months later, this same young man - who had both endured and caused so much suffering, was dead at 18, killed in a clash with government troops..."

When I looked at the images, two thoughts came to mind: First, from a photographer's eyes I felt as though the photographs gave voice to a person who had no voice, one whom the world had "left for dead". It fueled my conviction that art is important, because it helps the world to see the unseen and hear the voices of the muted. Secondly, as a person of faith, I asked "Does the brand of "Christianity" we preach and practice make any sense in that dark corner of the world?" How do we take our favorite lenses of "Right" and "Wrong" and view what was going on in the images?

As Christians, we have been conditioned to shrug our shoulders and say "That's a result of sin." We have developed an eschatology that conveniently offloads our moral responsibilites in the present by saying, effectively, "God will fix everything one day". We have built an entire religion on teaching people how to get to heaven one day in the future. But what about the present? What do we have to offer to the 18 year old commando, and others like him?

More and more, I have come to understand that the Bible looks at sin from a historical, generational, communal, macro and global perspective rather than simply as a list of thou-shalt-not-do's. Again, from a photograher's eyes, that means when I look at an image depicting the evils of the world, whether it is a brutal act of terrorism across the oceans or an episode of violence here on my streets, the question to ask is "Where is my hand in this?" I have learned that if we look carefully and thoughtfully enough, it's always there. Perhaps that's what Jesus meant when He said to those looking at the woman caught in sin: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

For those who are interested in seeing the work of the photographer mentioned, go to:

http://brucehaleypictures.com/

(Warning: some images contain graphic violence)

Out of the mouths of babes...

2009-03-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

With our little one quickly reaching grade 1 (where did the last 4 years go?), we are going through the discussion that every parent in the city has had one time or another: "May be we should move into a 'better' school zone."

Now, we haven't actually decided to move yet, but when we are both working quite far from where we live right now, it seems to make sense. So yesterday in the car we casually brought up the subject with our little girl.

"Hey sweetie, what do you think of us moving into a different house?"

"NO!"

"But sweetie, you will get a different room, we will live closer to where you will go to school, may be there will be some nice parks nearby where you can play..."

"NOOOO! We are NOT going to move and I don't want to talk about it again, OKAY??"
(By the way, that was an exact quote)

End of discussion.

We were a little puzzled, so we probed a little further. We asked if it was because she likes her room, or the backyard, or if she thinks we will leave all her toys behind...we assured her that she will have all those things even if we move to another house. Neither one of us expected what came out of her mouth next.

"Yeah, but we won't be living beside Uncle Lou!"

Louie is our next door neighbor whose family have become quite good friends with us. They are immigrants from Europe from long ago (I always forget which country :-P ) . Louis is one of those guys who is always looking out for his friends and neighbors. He bought a snowblower this winter and I always see him helping others clean their driveways after he finishes his. In the Summer time, whichever one of us is out mowing the lawn, it's understood that we will do each other's front lawn while we are at it. When it's nice out, Louie is always sitting on his front porch with a beer and when we pull up to our driveway, Taylor always makes it a point to go over to give "Uncle Lou" a hug before going into our own house. She has become quite a hit with our neighbors!

What struck us about the conversation was that while we thought she didn't want to move because she was attached to "things", the truth is that at this young age, she has learned to value her "community". Something that as adults, we are prone to lose sight of.

It reminded me that as parents, it is all so easy to model a lifestyle that places the pursuit of success above everything else. Even in the church, it is so easy to forget something so simple and fundamental: people are important. People are more important than ideologies. People are more important than property. People are more important than institutions. People are more important than numbers and statistics. It still saddens me to think of the people who have been left behind and abandoned by the church in the name of progress, growth, politics, etc.

Meanwhile, in our own little situation of deciding whether to move or not, our little girl has just given us a whole new dimension to think about.

"You encouraged people..."

2009-03-04T13:01:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had an interesting lunch date.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I received a call at the office. It was a bad cell phone connection, and the person on the other end spoke with a bit of an accent so I wasn't able to pick out everything that was being said. Towards the end of the phone call he said, "I would love to invite you to lunch sometime to talk face to face." I heard the words "Invite" and "lunch", which immediately translated into "free" "food" in my dictionary, and promptly said "Yes!".

Over a delicious meal of Indian food, my friend told me that his agency is very interested in having me involved with them. Apparently I gave a speech at one of their sponsored public events, and afterwards the staff and leaders of the agency all wanted me to come on board with them. I expressed how honored I was by the invitation, but was curious of what was it about the speech that drew such a response. He thought about it a little, and said, "You encouraged people. And we want you to keep doing that with us."

I guess during this time of global economic doom and gloom, a dose of encouragement goes a lot further than in other times.

68 weeks

2009-02-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

68.

That's how many weeks it has been since the last time I was "in church".

68 Sundays ago, I went for what I thought may be the last time. I said what I had to say. I drove away, alone.

The snow. It came early that year. It was snowing when I drove home. The road seemed so long, so cold.

As I drove away from the only Christian community I had known for 17 years, I remembered a thought coming to mind: "From now on, you are on your own..."

I was wrong. There were faithful friends who stood by me, who walked with me me through the darkest time of my life. If it weren't for them, the pain from being rejected and left behind would have overwhelmed me long ago.

68 weeks. More than a few times I have thought of setting foot in a church again. But the pain from being abandoned was too much. I couldn't risk entrusting myself to another community and risk being hurt again. In the beginning for a few weeks I would dropped my wife and little girl off at the front door of a church in our neighborhood. As my little girl get out of the car, she'd ask, "Daddy, are you going to church with us?" And I'd say, "May be next week, Sweetie..." After a few weeks of doing this, they stopped going too. Looking back, I think it was my wife's way of saying: "We will not leave you behind...we will wait with you until you are ready again."

68 weeks. Slowly we got used to life without church on Sundays. We'd sleep in a bit, go out for brunch at our favorite diner, do some grocery shopping, and get ready for another week of work and school. To be honest, it was actually quite enjoyable. We completely removed ourselves from the church "scene", from all the politics and gossip and all the "latest news". We limited our world to just us and the few who steadfastly remained our friends.

As the weeks rolled on, with the wounds from the past still fresh, slowly I felt an interest to go to church again. It wasn't a desire to "attend church". Rather, it was a longing to belong. I looked at my family and thought: "This isn't just about me. I don't want to deprive them of community..."

I didn't know where to go. I had no clue where this will lead. But slowly, I felt this "pull" that says: "It's time to turn the page and discover what's in the next chapter..."

68 weeks. It's been this long....

So, 68 weeks later, this past Sunday, I dropped off my wife and daughter at the front door of a friend's church.

I parked the car...

I walked up, took a deep breath...

and walked in.

The world would be a different place...

2009-02-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

Last week I went downtown to attend a webcast workshop. After sitting down in a room with about 50 people, I saw the organizers running around frantically trying to get the webcast going. After the scheduled start time had come and gone, the girl who was in charge finally came out and told the crowd that because of a technical glitch, they were not able to log in to the webcast and we can either get a refund or she will email the presentation to us later for us to watch it on our own.

Most of the participants of the workshop had to arrange time away from the office and travelled a fair distance to go downtown. Understandably some were disappointed and a little annoyed. After I got back to the office, I sent a quick email to the organizer, just saying that I understand these things happen, and I've had it happened to me enough times to know.

To my surprise, the person wrote back. At the conclusion, the person wrote: "Thank you for your understanding, the world would be a different place if everyone sees things the way you do..."

All of a sudden I remembered a simple quote I read a lot time ago: "Always go out of your way to be kind....because everyone is fighting some sort of battle inside."

feeling heavy....

2009-01-29T19:32:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I have an important presentation to make in efforts to secure funding for our agency. All day long, even though the staff was nervous about it, they tried not to bother me so I can focus on preparing for it. From my office, I could hear them working hard outside: Taking phone calls from people with all kinds of different needs and pointing them to the right services. New immigrants coming in asking for help. Talking to people who want to volunteer and sending them to the suitable volunteering opportunities. I couldn't help but be touched by them. They work for low pay and practically non-existent benefits. They have not had a raise in almost 8 years. Yet they toil quietly, without recognition and sometimes without appreciation, simply because they want to help make another person's life a little easier.

Hearing them work from within my office, I feel a heavy burden on my shoulders. Even though I have very little emotional stake in the organization, I feel a tremendous responsibility for the staff. I only hope I will be successful in our fund development efforts, not just to keep an agency going, but so these wonderful people can continue to make a difference in the community, one person at a time, one phone call at a time. I hope I can do my best tomorrow...for them.

A Chinese New Year photoshoot :-)

2009-01-26T22:09:00.001-08:00

We were sitting at home on Chinese New Year's Eve with nothing much to do in the afternoon when we remembered that Taylor was supposed to wear a traditional Chinese costume to school the next day! As we dug through her closet bringing out the different outfits, we decided to do an impromptu photoshoot at home :-) Hope you enjoy the pics as much as Taylor enjoyed being in front of the camera :-)

http://picasaweb.google.ca/alfred.lam/ChineseNewYear?feat=directlink

"Preached"!

2009-01-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

Today I was invited to give a speech to a South Asian Community Group. They organized a community outreach conference on the needs of people living with disabilities and invited me to be the closing speaker. I was humbled by the invitation and was thankful that the speech was well received. The audience was gracious and I appreciated all the kind words afterwards. But it wasn't until I was on my way home that I had a chance to reflect on the experience.

I mentally replayed my speech in my head and I was surprised to see that while I made no "biblical references", the "biblical influence" behind the speech was obvious: I spoke of the inherent sacred dignity of each and every individual without mentioning the doctrine of the image of God. I talked about the reality that all of us live lives that are broken in someways and need help from others without using the word "sin". Again, without mentioning the biblical reference, I closed the speech on the truth behind the words, "it is more blessed to give than to receive."

When I thought about the experience some more, what surprised me was how much the crowd "embraced" the speech. The vast majority (99%) of them do not have a Christian background, and yet person after person came up to speak to me afterwards, some with tears in their eyes, affirming what they had heard. What started as a routine speaking engagement for me ended up being a major learning experience. I came away with a new found amazement of the universal appeal of the Bible, and I am convinced, more than ever before that the Bible is not a "religious book" that was written simply to "propagate" the Christian religion.

Who knows? Perhaps my "previous life" as a Christian minister or a "preacher" was meant to prepare me to become a "messenger". One who is sent to serve, and bring hope and encouragement to those who are outside the walls of the religious community?

Stranger in the bathroom!

2009-01-16T12:46:00.000-08:00

A funny thing happened at work today...

Our new office is located in a building that also house a private school. This afternoon I went to use the men's room at the same time that the kids from the school were coming back from playing outside during recess. As I entered the bathroom, many of them were also beginning to line up to "go" themselves (I guess that's part of their daily routine). As I was getting "settled" in my stall, I heard a few of them whispering outside, "Who's that in there?"...

They must have been taught to speak up when they see strangers on school grounds, because next thing I knew, about 50 of them started chanting loudly: "Stranger in the bathroom! Stranger in the bathroom!"

Talk about ruining my mood for my "personal time"...I decided to get the heck out of there and made a quick retreat back to my office before someone call the police or something :-P

The Ted Haggard Story

2009-01-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

This week I read about the Ted Haggard story, how the one time megachurch planter/pastor and President of the National Association of Evangelicals was treated when it was revealed 2 years ago that he had engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct. Apparently he signed an agreement with his church to not speak about the situation for 2 years, in exchange for a 1 year salary "pay-off". Now that 2 years have past, Haggard is ready to come out and tell his side of the story.

I know there are always 2 sides to every story, and I have no interest in debating who's right and who's wrong in the whole situation. What caught my eye, however, was when Haggard revealed that a sexually abusive experience from his childhood had left emotional scars and internal trauma that he had to privately struggle with his whole life. I believe there is a valuable lesson to be learned here.

From my own personal experience in this past year, I have learned that behind every sin, there is almost always a context of personal and private pain. Unfortunately, in the church so often we choose only to look at the sin, and not the pain that caused it. I am not suggesting that we excuse personal responsibility for sinful acts. Rather, I am suggesting that we need to learn to look at sin more holistically and (dare I say it?) more biblically: Sin is not only individual and personal. It is communal. It is generational. It is environmental. It is part of the narrative of both the human race and each individual lives. Each of us, because of our brokenness and sinfulness contribute in our own ways to cause pain in others, and that leads to more sinful and hurtful behavior. In a very real way, when a person sins, all of us have 'blood on our hands'. Perhaps that's the greater truth behind Jesus' words to the mob ready to stone the woman caught in adultery: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." Perhaps not everyone in that mob had commited the sin of adultery, but the truth is that each person there had a hand in the woman's sin.

Back when I was in seminary, my preaching professor once said, "If you learn to speak to the pain in people's lives, that will make you a better preacher." Today, I learned a greater truth: If you and I choose to see the pain in each person's lives rather than the "sins" they've committed, that will make us better people.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-05T11:11:00.001-08:00

Wow! Can't believe 2009 is here already. It's been an interesting holiday season for us. On one hand it was very busy, as we were moving to a new office location and doing renovations at home at the same time. On the other hand, it was also quiet as we basically spent the holdays with family and a few close friends.

One of the highlights of my holiday was getting the opportunity to spend time with my old friend from HK. We have been friends for 28 years now, although we haven't seen each other in more than 5 years. He was the one that I blogged about earlier who called me out of the blue in the office one day. Because of work he only comes back to Canada twice a year to see his family for a couple of weeks. The fact that he made it a point to set aside time to meet me speaks volumes on how much he valued our friendship.

Anyways, we went over to have dinner with his family and over a few (too many) glasses of fantastic wine, he shared with me his own life struggles over the last 10 years and encouraged me to keep looking ahead and moving forward. A few nights later, we went out again, this time only the two of us. Over a few (too many) beers, we talked again, for 3 hours. Before hand, he said to me, "After dinner the other night, I realized that I did most of the talking and didn't spend enough time listening to you, so I want to spend another night to just listen." I found out later that prior to coming back to Canada, he spent a month trying to figure out what to say and how to encourage me!

As we parted ways outside the pub, we knew we wouldn't see each other again for a while, as he was flying out the next day. He put his hands on my shoulders like an older brother and said, "Listen. Whatever happens. Whatever you need. Call me." Over the years, I have heard words like that many times. I have said the same to countless others. But coming from my friend, it felt/sounded different...because I knew he really meant it.

One of the most important lessons I have learned over this past year is what real friendship looks like. I learned the difference between being "friendly" and being a "friend". I realize that I don't have many friends. But the ones I do have, they have demonstrated and proven their friendship to me by steadfastly standing by and walking beside me through this most difficult time of my life. To all of them, thank you! I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for you.

So, as we embark on another year, of all the things I can wish for you, I wish that 2009 may be a year where you experience much friendship. Have a wonderful new year, everyone!

Staff Christmas Lunch

2008-12-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago our agency celebrated Christmas by having lunch together at the local Mandarin restaurant (Yeah, I know. I am not crazy about Mandarin either, but that's another story for another time :) I had to oversee the phone installation at our new office (translation: someone had to be there to open the door for the phone guy) so I was a little late getting there. When I walked in, I saw our staff, both paid and volunteer gathered around 2 tables and having a great time. For some reason, I wanted to stand there for just a bit longer, looking at them.

There couldn't be a more diverse group. There were a few retirees who still actively volunteer their time with us. There was a lady who came to the country as a refugee with nothing but the clothes on her back whom we have recently hired to serve the needs of new immigrants. There were a couple of university students who worked with us during the Summer months. There was our staff manager who overcame incredible personal and physical hardships in her life. Every person around those 2 tables had an interest and distinct story. Yet there they were, all drawn together in one place.

They came to our agency, not with grand and lofty visions to end poverty or hunger, or anything like that. They came, because they simply want to help people. At the end of each phone call we receive, whether it is a desperate person contemplating suicide, or a new immigrant parent looking for a doctor for his son, or simply a high school student looking for a place to volunteer, the hope is that when we put down the phone to end the call, we have managed to make someone's life just a little easier.

At the lunch I made it a point to go around to thank each person for the work that they have done. They in turn gave me a Christmas card that says, "To our wonderful Boss...Merry Christmas!" When I read the card, I felt so proud to be called their "boss"...for some reason I felt a strange sense of "affection" when they called me that :)

As lunch wound down and everyone were enjoying their desserts, I silently offered up a little Christmas wish: I hope in the new year, I can work twice as hard for these wonderful folks, and that I can manage to find enough funding to keep our agency going.

First time "back"...

2008-12-15T09:30:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I went to a Christian organization to speak. It was the first time in more than a year that I have spoken in a "Christian" context. I really didn't give it much thought when I accepted the invitation. A friend of mine works for the organization and they needed a speaker, so I just said yes, mostly thinking of helping out a friend.

It wasn't till I was driving to the engagement that it hit me. I was surprised how "nervous" I felt on the way. It wasn't the speaking that made me nervous. It was more a sense of uncertainty of whether I still "belong" in that "world". Even as I pulled into the parking lot, in the back of my mind I was still looking for excuses to back out of the engagement ("hm...is that a headache that I feel coming on? May be I should cancel and not spread it to others...")

The workshop itself was okay. The staff went out of their way to make me feel welcomed and at home. When I asked the audience a question and there was silence, the staff took it upon themselves to respond to help me not feel awkward. A year ago I wouldn't have thought about any of this. But today, I have learned to recognize and appreciate acts of kindness, no matter how small.

3 hours later, the workshop was finished. I was exhausted; more emotionally than physically. As I made a quick exit and drove away, I learned a couple of things: First, I realized that my wounds from the betrayal and trampling I received from those whom I thought were my Christian community are still very open and fresh, and I still need to deal with it and seek healing. Second, I learned how every act of kindness makes a difference, and I need to be thankful for them. I am thankful for the staff of the organization. For every smile, every handshake, every pat on the shoulder. I am thankful for the people who left messages on my facebook to encourage me. The fact that they realized this is a 'big deal' for me and took time to leave me notes tells me that they are thinking of me. I am thankful to Anna who looked after Taylor in a mall for 3 hours while I spoke. As I said, a year ago, I would have taken everything for granted. Now, I have learned to treasure kindness.

When I got home I opened the thank you card they gave me. The old me wouldn't even bother reading them after speaking engagements. But this time it was different. I looked at the card, read every word, and instead of it going into my recycle bin, it now stands on my desk at home.

Call it a "milestone" on a long journey.

Tim, Joseph, Alex, Teresa, Nicole, Addie, Ceci, Harry, Anna...Thank you :-)

Lessons Learned at the kettle

2008-12-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

"...But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny" --Mark 12:42

A couple of days ago I volunteered at a Salvation Army Kettle - the kind you see at shopping malls and other public places at this time of year. Basically the Salvation Army puts out these kettles for people to put in donations to support their work. Because our agency agreed to help out, I was glad to sign up for a shift.

The work was simply enough. I simply had to go to the mall, stand beside the kettle for 90 minutes, and thank people for their donations. While a few people actually stopped by, for the most part I was simply standing there.

As I stood there watching the people walking right by me, busy with their Christmas shopping, a mild feeling of loneliness came over me. It was not so much me feeling lonely for myself, but I was getting a taste of how the busy, "happy" holiday seasons can be a lonely experience for many people. Christmas is billed as a season of peace, of joy, of family and friends. There are many who don't have a whole lot of any of those things in their lives. As I stood there in the mall, I quietly wondered whether Christmas feels like this for them: being alone while surrounded by people busy celebrating.

I was watching this one family carrying...no, hauling a huge load of Christmas gifts when I was startled by a voice behind me.

"Hi!"

"Hello!"

I turned around to see an elderly gentleman. We chatted for a bit. From our conversation, it was apparent that he struggles with some mental disability, and from the way he dressed, I guessed that financially he wasn't exactly well off. He told me that every year he makes it a point to look for the Salvation Army kettle to make a donation, because in the past he had benefited from Salvation army's services to the needy.

Then he pulled out a handful of loose change from his pocket and dropped them into the kettle. He did so slowly, one coin at a time, like it was the most important thing he had to do that day. After he was done, I thanked him, he said good-bye and started to walk away. After taking a few steps, he stopped, turned and said to me, "You take care of yourself."

I didn't get a chance to tell him, but in many ways, he gave more that day than he could ever know.

A new paradigm (Part 1)...

2008-12-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some of the comments from my post entitled "A Quiet longing after a busy weekend" and one particular comment caught my eye. "Sis" wrote:

...I feel compelled to join a group of people of faith that are standing up for injustice in the world, rather than trying to evangelize to the world; to look at our faith as one that is inclusive and welcoming regardless of who they are and what they've done; rather judging people through a narrow set of "right or wrong" lens...

When I read that comment again, the word "inclusive" jumped out at me. For me, that one word sums up the tension between the "traditional evangelical" ways of understanding the Christian faith and the so called "Emergent" views. (As an aside, I normally dislike "labels" especially in this type of dialogue, as I have always felt that labels carry with them assumptions and baggages that are not universally true nor generally helpful. I used those two terms here simply as a quick reference to try and give a rough sense of the two "camps" we are dealing with. )

It seems to me, much of the tension and debate between these two ways of looking at the Christian faith surrounds this question: "What do we mean when we say that the Christian faith is 'inclusive'"? Traditional Evangelicalism would answer by saying: "We are inclusive in that we strive to invite everyone, regardless of background to become Christians and to be baptized into the Church, and thus becoming a part of the family of God."

On the other hand, the "emergent" views may answer the same question by saying: "We believe the Christian faith is inclusive in that God is at work to bring redemption and blessing to a world that is broken, and everyone, regardless of their religious convictions can become a part of what God is doing."

(Again, I do not profess to speak for either "camps". These words are strictly my own)

So far, the way the church has dealt with this difference is to argue that there isn't one. The argument usually goes something like this: "It doesn't have to be an either-or situation. The church should be involved in BOTH evangelization and social action. Some brothers and sisters are more gifted for evangelism and some are more passionate about social justice. But we should be able to work hand in hand to help the church fulfill both mandates."

On the surface it looks like a workable solution. However, I am not sure if this attempt to "bridge the gap" sufficiently deals with the foundational questions that are being raised. Questions such as:

(1) What is the nature of the "Good News"? Is it simply to answer the question: "How does a person go to heaven after he/she dies?"

(2) Is the Gospel good news only for "Christians"? Or is it good news for the whole world? In other words, does one have to "become a Christian" to partake of this good news?

(3) Is becoming a part of God's "kingdom" the same thing as becoming a part of the "Christian religion"?

(4) Is it possible that God includes and engages people of other faiths, or even people with no religious alliances to partake in and contribute to the work of His Kingdom in redeeming and restoring all of creation?

These are a few of the questions that I had wrestled with for a number of years. Whenever I had an opportunity to talk about these issues, without exception I end up meeting others who say to me: "I've been struggling with the very same thing!" My sense is that until the church is willing to engage in dialogue and discussion surrounding these and other similar questions, it will fail to engage the passion of a new, "emerging" generation of believers.

More to follow....

The dance

2008-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

"We played the flute, but you did not dance..." Matthew 11:17

This morning one of my staff member handed me an interesting document. It was the script from the speech that she gave at her daughter's wedding. Knowing that I have a public speaking background, she wanted to share it with me and hear what I think of it.

It was a moving speech. At the time, her husband had passed away already and so in a way she was speaking for both of them. The speech made reference to a picture of her husband dancing with their daughter. I asked her about the picture and her eyes began to moist. She told me that at the wedding, they prominently displayed a picture of her late husband dancing with their daughter at her grade 8 graduation party. At the time, she made sure that she took a good picture of them dancing, because she knew her husband would likely not live long enough to dance with their daughter at her wedding (he was quite a bit older).

As a father of a beautiful little girl, I have often thought about that day. I have wondered if I will live long enough to dance with her. My staff's speech reminded me that's not important. What IS important is whether I hear the music today and dance with her while I still can. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Who knows if I will get to dance with my little girl at her wedding someday. But I can live today, and each day, giving myself to her in such a way that even if I am not there to dance when that day comes, she can say, "It's okay. I danced with my daddy already."

"Hope is the ability to hear the music of tomorrow;
but faith is having the courage to dance to it today."

A Quiet Longing after a busy weekend

2008-12-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

I felt slightly weary driving to work today after a busy weekend. As I mentioned in my previous post, we were busy cleaning up and purging stuff on Saturday. On Sunday we did a little more cleaning up, had lunch with my parents, did some grocery shopping, and as usual, I went to play hockey at night (and as usual, our team lost, but that's another story for another post :) In the car this morning I was going through in my mind the list of things we did this weekend. At the same time I started another mental list of all the things we still have to do before Christmas comes (yikes!). Let's see...we are putting down new floors at home, our office is moving, I have a whole bunch of meetings to line up before Christmas with potential corporate funding partners for our agency, oh my...I am getting a headache :(

It was just another busy, enjoyable, but uneventful weekend. And it occured to me, that it was another weekend without church. It's been more than a year since I've been in church. But after what was done to us by some in our own church, I still do not feel I can "entrust" myself and my family to another "Christian community". But this morning, as I ponder upon the arrival of yet another Christmas, there was a quiet longing to belong somewhere and to invest our lives to make a difference in the life of another community. Although right now the wounds still feel fresh, I hope one day I can allow myself to belong again.

Thoughts from a day of purging...

2008-11-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

"Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body" (Ecc 12:12)

Today, in preparation for doing some renovations in the house, we spent the day doing some much needed "purging". As part of that process, Anna and I went through our collection of books, some of them from our university days, and donated almost all of them.

As we pick the books off the shelves, it was like a journey through time. Each phase of our life journeys were marked by certain books that spoke to us during that time. It was interesting to see how in our earlier days as young Christians we were drawn to books that defined the Christian faith in black and white terms. There were books on how to "defend" our faith, books that spelled out the "definitive Christian position" in no uncertain terms on a variety of ethical issues, books that gave "tried and true" tips on how to "win over secular people", just to name a few. I think both Anna and I felt that in a very real sense, we have "outgrown" those books. Not to say that we are "smarter" than those writers by any means, but we just felt that is not how we approach faith anymore. So, into the donation bin they went.

Then we came upon our big collection of "Christian marriage" books. That was a significant moment for both of us. There was a time when both of us really "believed" in the "recipes for a great marriage" presented in those books. But, after having gone through what happend last year, again, both of us felt a sense of having "outgrown" them. So, all of them ended up in the donation bin.

I think the one main reason why all those Christian books simply don't resonnate with us anymore is that we are both longing for an approach to faith that is not afraid to face up to the ugliness that exist within the "Evangelical Christian religion". Having been betrayed and abandoned by those in our church, we know that the "Christian community" is not always a wonderful place to be. And having seen the hypocrisy of how many Christian leaders having marriages that looked great in church on Sunday mornings but are in shambles once they got into the car, we are tired of the idea that somehow Christians have "cornered the market" on good and healthy marriages.

I think both of us are seeking to be part of a Christian community that takes the reality of "brokenness" seriously. One that is opened to admitting that "Yes, we are broken. None of us are better than anyone else. And yes, that brokenness rear its ugly, really ugly head in our personal lives as well as in our community. And yes, there are times that we as a church end up hurting people. But if we admit it, if we acknowledge it, if we don't pretend we are better than we actually are, then perhaps we can take the first step towards demonstrating what the Gospel is about."

Toward the end of the day, I came across the "trophy" that I was given at my 10th anniversary at my old church. It was a quiet emotional moment for me. As I slowly put the trophy into one of the garbage bags, I felt incredibly sad. It was ironic. I felt sad, because I felt nothing at all...

A New Day...

2008-11-19T12:43:00.000-08:00

Last night I had my first performance review by the Board of Directors. Now, after working for over 20 years, I am not usually anxious about these things. But this is my first one since I joined the field of social services, and I found myself somewhat nervous.

As it turned out, they were extremely generous and gracious in all their comments for me. Just as I was starting to "feel the love" in the room, a small voice from the back of my mind said, "Wait...they used to give you glowing reviews for 17 years too..."

Call it another baby step forward, but I was able to say to myself, "Don't think about that anymore. Don't look back. Learn to enjoy and be thankful for this moment..."

Today, as part of my work with poverty and homelessness, we lent out our meeting room to host a focus group on the reality of poverty among new immigrant seniors from the Iranian community. I had the opportunity to welcome the particpants as they arrived. As I shook their hands and greeted them, I saw in their eyes a sense of thankfulness for the opportunity to voice their struggles, and perhaps a glimmer of hope that this will lead to changes in how we understand homelessness and poverty down the road.

After greeting them, I left them to start their meeting. Again I found myself thinking, "Don't think about the past anymore. This is your work today. Be thankful for the opportunity."

As I look outside my office window, the afternoon sun is setting. Perhaps I need to learn to allow the sun from my yesterday to set, so that the new dawn of my tomorrow can finally come.

Tuesdays with Morrie

2008-11-10T08:29:00.000-08:00

Last Friday we went with a few friends to see the play "Tuesdays with Morrie", based on the book by Mitch Albom. The play consisted of a series of conversations between Mitch and his old college professor, Dr. Morrie Schwartz. The visits always took place on Tuesdays, thus the name of the book.

When Mitch graduated from college, he promised to keep in touch with his favorite professor (Morrie Schwartz), whom he affectionately called "Coach". But after he left school, life took over busy and it was 16 years later when he by chance found out that Morrie was slowly dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS). He decided to go back to Boston to visit Morrie. What was intended as a one time visit turned into a weekly mentoring session between teacher and pupil. During those visits, they talked about life, love, work, happiness, forgiveness, music, dancing, egg salad, and just about everything else. Sometimes the dialogue leaves you laughing, sometimes in tears, but always in thought.

Partly because of what I have gone through in the last year, I found myself deeply resonnating with the message of the play. "Tuesdays with Morrie" is about teaching and learning. At first glance it may appear that Morrie was the "teacher" and Mitch was the "student". But in reality, they are both "students", and life itself was the teacher.

This past year has seen me take apart everything I thought to be "true" in my faith and, in a real way, start from the beginning again. Through this process, I have come to see a fundamental flaw in ways we approach "faith development" or "Christian Education" in the church:

In the church, faith education, or Christian education is done "incrementally". In other words, you teach something today, and what you teach tomorrow is based on what you have taught yesterday. You keep building on previous "layers". This way of learning encourages confidence on what was learned before, as it forms the "foundation" for new learning. For the most part, this is how we learn things like Science or Mathematics. For instance, in math, you first learn addition, and then with that as a foundation, you learn multiplication.

But there is a different way to learn. Sometimes new things are learned from completely tearing down old learnings and starting fresh again. For example, when engineers design a car, they build a prototype, they push it to failure, break it down, and then start fresh again to build a better prototype. Rather than encouraging unquestioned confidence in what was learned before, this way of learning assumes flaws in previous thoughts and ideas. It seeks to expose them, and then start again.

It seems to me that faith is taught/learned/developed this way. Faith development needs to begin with an assumption that there are flaws in our understanding. Rather than blindly holding on what was learned before, faith developes when our previously held ideas are shattered, and we are forced to start over again. In other words, faith is developed not by discovering how right we were, but by being confronted with how wrong we have been. For biblical examples, think of Paul, or Peter.

For me, Tuesdays with Morrie reminded me again that the key to unlock this way of learning is humility. If one needs evidence to show that our ways of "Christian Education" is not working, one needs to look no further than the abundance of arrogance in the church today.

Familiar with grief....

2008-11-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

"He was a man of sorrow, familiar with grief..." (Isaiah 53:3)

I am not sure why, but I have been thinking about these words a lot lately.

You know how something can become so familiar that you hardly even notice it's there anymore? Like an old pair of jeans, it feels so much like a part of you. Until one day you put on a different pair and you go, "Whoa, this is different!"

Each night I drift to sleep hearing the familiar voices of rejection and judgement. Each day I wake to that familiar ache of emptiness and loneliness. Like that old pair of jeans, grief has become something I am so familiar with....

Then, something remarkable slowly began to happen. For the first time in my life, I felt as though I was...getting to know Jesus. I feel like I am beginning to understand what it was like for him to be betrayed by those whom he trusted and loved, to be condemned, judged and rejected. To be a man who is, like Isaiah says, familar with grief.

I find that I no longer look to Jesus for "healing" or "deliverance" or to pray and ask for the any number of things I used to preach about. Instead, I found myself looking up this morning, saying (praying?!). "It must have been so hard for you..."

Small Signs of Encouragement

2008-10-31T12:22:00.001-07:00

Today I was scheduled to give a speech at another non-profit community service agency. This agency has a program geared to youths with troubled pasts and aims to give them a fresh start in finding a career, and I was supposed to give a "movivational speech". All morning I was debating whether to go or not because I could barely get two words out without coughing up a lung. Finally I decided: "Okay, I'll go give the talk, and the go stright home to rest."

As soon as I was brought into the room, I could tell it was a tough crowd. At least when I used to speak in churches, people would "pretend" to be interested. Here, folks feel no such obligation. The indifference in the room was so real that you could almost reach out and touch it. But...strangely enough, I found myself "liking" it. It was...honest.

I talked about various things to try and find something that would capture at least a bit of interest. It was a classic case of "throw everything at the wall and see what sticks". (political sidebar: kind of like the McCain campaign these days...political sidebar over) Towards the end, I decided to look them in the eye and said, "The truth is, where you came from, what you had done, what led you here means absolutely zero now. You are in a place where you CAN start fresh. Whether this leads anywhere, is up to you." As I said that, one of the youth gave a good slap to his friends sitting next to him who had slept through my whole talk, to try to wake him up to hear what I was saying.

I don't know why, but that made my day. You'd think after doing this for so many years, stuff like this don't matter anymore. But I guess I found out again that none of us ever out grow our need to be encouraged, even by the smallest gestures. I just hope I have done the same for at least a couple of them this afternoon.

Some pictures from our trip

2008-10-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since we came back from our Vancouver-Hawaii trip. I have finally got around to posting some pictures on line. Go to the links below, and hope you enjoy them :-)

http://picasaweb.google.ca/alfred.lam/Vancouver2008#

http://picasaweb.google.ca/alfred.lam/Hawaii2008#

Sights of Hawaii

2008-10-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

We've been in Hawaii for only two days and I have already fallen in love with this place. I mean, I have been to other "Sun n' Sand" vacationing places before, but none of them compare to Honolulu with its combination of GREAT weather, rich local culture, significant history and interesting people. We have met a number of "unique" people as well as lovely scenary. I have been shooting tons of pictures and will get an album together soon after we get back. In the mean time, we will try to enjoy every minute of time we have left here :-)

Celebrity (sort of) Sighting...

2008-10-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone! Just thought I'd give you a quick update on our trip so far...(for those who don't know, we are on vacation to Vancouver and Hawaii!) While in Vancouver, we saw Marc Crawford the NHL coach at the airport. I know, I know...BIG DEAL... I guess you hockey fans out there might appreciate this :-)

Anyhow, while we were sitting in the plane (West Jet) waiting to go to Hawaii, the crew was going through the usual preflight announcement. As they were wrapping up, the man sitting next to me got up, went to the front, and the crew handed him the mic. I thought, "Hm...this is interesting..." I thought he must be a doctor or something...

Then he said, "Hello everyone, My name is Sean Durfy, President and CEO of WestJet, and I will be flying with all of you this evening to Honolulu. Just wanted to say hello and thank you all for flying WestJet."

I was sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for him to say, "As a token of appreciation for all you choosing us, I would like to announce that all of you are flying for free on this flight. It will be my small personal gift to you!" No such luck (sigh).

He was actually a very down to earth kind of guy...he flew economy with the rest of us (well, actually I am not sure if there was a business class on that flight), and he was really friendly with the flight crew. Since I was sitting next to him, I got to listen as he chatted with each flight attendent about his or her job. Apparently WestJet is the only airline in the world that is growing, and they had just ordered 40 more new planes!

Anyways, just thought I'd pass along a couple of cool encounters :)

He ain't heavy...He's my brother

2008-10-18T23:43:00.001-07:00

I was doing some late night channel surfing in my hotel room in Vancouver when I came across a concert featuring popular old tunes. One of the songs performed was the moving ballad: "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother". When introducing the song, the singer explained the origin of the title. Over the years there had been different theories as to where the title came from. The most popular one being a magazine picture published in the 1940's showing a young boy carrying his frail, polio stricken brother on his back. The caption of the photo reads: "He ain's heavy; he's my brother."

As I listened to the song, a quiet wave of saddness washed over me. I wondered why, during the darkest moment of my life, men who were supposed to be my brother abandoned me and casted me out rather than carrying me. Time has passed. But the wound remains open.

Call it another baby step forward, but tonight, as the tide of saddness gently receded, I I found myself not wishing for answers anymore. (Afterall, those who can provide the answers have long since gone on their merry way) Instead, I wished for opportunities for my life and experience to be useful to those who have been hurt, and perhaps like me, have been left by the roadside. As I stumble along, I hope there will be opportunites where I can pick up another person, put him on my back and set out on the road ahead together.

Jesus once said to those who are weary and "heavy ladened" to go to him to discover that "his burden is light". I have only lately begun to see the wisdom behind those words: We don't get to live "burden free" lives. We do, at times, get to choose what burden to carry. I have experienced the crushing heaviness of trying to carry the burden of the past. Perhaps as I slowly learn to look upward, forward and outward to see others whom my life can touch, as I learn to help carry the burden of others on my back, I will discover the truth behind the title of the song: "He ain't heavy, (for) He's my brother".

Another nice day!

2008-10-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went with a few good friends on a hiking trip to Belfountain to watch the Fall colours and take some pictures. We had a great time! I think we are most proud of Taylor: When we got to the trail, the sign reads: "This trail is rated as challenging, please make sure you are wearing proper footwear with ankle support". I thought, "U-oh, Taylor is not going to make it..." But to our surprise, she trekked through the WHOLE trail without ever complaining once or wanting to be carried (well, except in this picture :-P ) Stay tuned as I will be posting a couple more pics from the day :-)

The Danger of Good Intentions...

2008-10-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

Wow...who would have thought an "innocent" post like the last one would generate so many comments and strong words. I feel as though I should start a new post to say a few things "in response to the responses"...

First of all, in case I have not been clear enough, I appreciate everyone who posted a comment. Obviously I don't agree with every one of them, but I am going to take a chance here and assume that every one who posted did so out of good intentions towards me, and for that I am thankful.

Which leaves us with what I think is an important question: Why is it that "well intended" words and action can wound so deeply? Why does it happen so frequently in the context of the church community? The church ought to be a place of healing, but yet you and I both know that for many, many, many people, their deepest wounds have been inflicted by those in the church. More times than not by people who claimed to have acted and spoken out of "good intentions". I know that is certainly the case with my experience.

I believe a large part of the reason lies in the fact that in the church, we have a nasty habit of making two dangerous and arrogant assumptions:

We assume we know God, and...

We assume we know people.

Take the question of "repentence" for instance. We wave the "R" word like it is some kind of magic wand. "Have you repented?" "You need to repent!" "Your problem is that you have not repented!" "God is waiting for you to repent!" "Just repent and everything else will be ok." "You obviously have not repented or else you will not be feeling/acting this way."

Question: How do we know the person has not repented?

Question: Do we know what was/is happening in the person's life? Perhaps the person needs more than someone waving the "R" word in front of his face?

Question: If we don't know what has happened and what the person has experienced, how on earth can we question the person's feelings of anger?

Question: How do we know what God is doing in the person's life? May be, just may be God isn't sitting and tapping His feet, "waiting" for the person to "repent"?

Question: Perhaps whether a person has "repented" or not is truly between that person and God, and none of our business. God knows. The person knows. We do not know. Perhaps our business is to be a friend who will walk with the person?

When we as a church simply want to ask the big "R" question to people who have made mistakes, we lose sight of the communal nature of sin. We simply want to know if the person who had sinned has repented. Perhaps there are things that the community itself needs to repent of at the same time.

I am a hockey player. I know that when a goalie makes a mistake and let in a goal, the mistake is rarely his alone. Sometimes it started by a winger giving the puck away in the opposite end, a centerman failing to back check, a defensemen failing to pick up the shooter, and then finally the puck is in the net. That's why when a team gives up a goal, the hockey statistics score a "-1" to every player who is on the ice at the time.

Perhaps that is the true spirit behind Jesus' words in John 8: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone..."

Daddy's Great Helper!

2008-10-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

Today I had to host our booth at a community event called "Taste of the Hill". It was a food fair type event where restaurants representing different ethnic groups have booths to showcase their food. We usually put a booth at these events so the community sees our name and learn about our services.

The original plan was for me to work the booth, and for mommy and daughter to enjoy the event and taste test all the foods. But after a while, my little girl said she'd rather help Daddy! So, I put one of our polo shirts on her (which became a full length skirt on her), gave her a stack of our brochures and she proceeded to stop every passerby and handed them one! I think by the end of the day, she gave out more brochures than anyone of us!! She became the magnet drawing people to our booth and gave me opportunites to chat with people about what we do. I think we might have stumbled upon a new marketing scheme here.... :-)

What a COOL workshop!

2008-10-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

Today I went to a very cool workshop on social enterprises, which are revenue generating activities undertaken by non-profit organizations to fund their mission. The workshop took place in the Centre for Social Innovation, which is a large modernized loft-type office space that is dedicated to the mission: "To spark and support new ideas that are tackling the social, environmental, economic and cultural challenges we face today." You can find out more about this innovative project by visiting their website: http://www.socialinnovation.ca/

During the workshop I had the opportunity to look around at the different agencies that are housed in the centre. It is an amazing mosaic of different causes: anti-racism, promotion of the arts, housing for the poor, employment opportunities for the marginalized, just to name a few. The whole idea of the centre is to be a place where the line between the profit seeking world and the non-profit world begins to blur. More and more, that is the paradigm shift that is happening in the non-profit sector.

These are such exciting and challenging times to be involved in the non-profit world. I am frightened out of my mind because I know so little and am so unqualified. But I am learning tons everyday. As I sat in the centre today, in the midst of folks who use their entrepreneurial talents not to maximize profits for its own sake, but to further each of their own sense of mission to build healthier communities and to make the world a better place, I felt as though I have been given a sneak preview of what the Kingdom looks like. More and more, I feel as though the 17 years I spent in Christian ministry was preparation for my "new life". Even though I no longer belong to my "old world", I am seeing the Kingdom at work in places like the centre today. I hope that as I continue down this journey, my mind will continue to be stretched, my sights will continue to be lifted, and I will continue to learn what it means to truly be a part of something greater than myself

A visit to an orphanage

2008-09-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Our agency was told that we need to move out of our current location by the end of the year, so lately part of my responsibilities included scouting out possible new office space. Today I was visiting a possible location in a most unusual building: the historic Loyal True Blue and Orange Home in Richmond Hill.

The Loyal True Blue and Orange Home was a large orphanage that opened in the 1920's. Today the building has been turned into a school as well as office suites for non-profit community service agencies. As I was being given a tour of the building, the person took me to a floor where the original layout has not been disturbed. He pointed out to me the original closet spaces where the children's coats were kept, and I even saw an old wheelchair that looked like it was from the "original days". It was like travelling back in time.

Perhaps because of my experience in adopting a child, as we stood in that old space I found myself quietly becoming a little emotional. I looked at the old, exposed brick walls and wood floors, and "saw" children who spent cold winter nights there instead of being in the warmth of their parents' homes. I looked out the window onto the large fields outside and wondered how many children stood in front of that very same window, gazing out on to that same field on countless Christmas mornings, feeling the loneliess of not having family.

On my way out I noticed the differet human service agencies that the building houses today. There are agencies that serve people with different illnesses and disabilities: Autism, Epilepsy, Learning Disabilities, just to name a few. Quietly, a gentle wish welled up inside: I wish my life can be useful in creating a world where children will no longer be abandoned, where people will not be stigmatized because of their illnesses, where we will finally learn, and take seriously, the dignity that is part of what it means to be human.

A Thumbs Up Day!

2008-09-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those Saturdays where we had nothing planned. After having breakfast at our usual neighborhood diner, we were wondering what we could do for the day. It was raining outside, so anything outdoors was out of the question. Suddenly I had this idea: Taylor has never been on the subway! Why don't we leave the car and take her downtown via "The Better Way"?

Taylor loved the subway! She said hi and chatted with EVERYONE, from the ticket agent to just about everyone in the car. (Whether they felt like chatting or not :-P) After walking around Eaton Centre for a bit, Taylor was exhausted...we had a hard time getting her to leave this store display :-)

On the way home, our little girl had a great idea (which, not surprising for her, involved food :-) . She said, "Mommy, why don't you teach me how to make chocolate chip cookies?" So we stopped off at a grocery stores to pick up some ingredients. After dinner, mother and daughter went to work. What better way for a little girl to finish up a great day with a cookie she made herself and some milk?

Lantern Festival!

2008-09-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

On Friday night we went to check out the Lantern Festival with a couple of friends. What a wonderful time we had! The lanterns were quite a sight to see. Just thought I'd share a few pics with you here. Go check them out on my online album:

http://picasaweb.google.ca/alfred.lam/LanternFestival#

The pain of abandonment...

2008-09-12T23:32:00.001-07:00

It's 2:30 in the morning. I went to check on my little girl one last time before heading to bed myself. As I sat down by her bed and watched her sleep, I started thinking about the early days of her life. I started to imagine what it was like being her...

It must have been so hard for her being abandoned the moment she was born. I never thought about it this way, but abandonment was her first experience of human relationship in her life. While other new born babies enjoy the warmth of their mother's embrace, she was left, abandoned, on a cold November day on a pile of dirt by the road.

As I thought about that, somehow I felt a deep sense of connection with her. For I too know what it's like to be abandoned, to be left behind, left for dead by those whom I thought I could count on. As I thought about that, that familiar wave of pain welled up in my heart. I found myself making a promise to her:

"For as long as I live, I will never abandon you. Never. I will not let what happened to me happen to you. You and I both know what it feels like to be abandoned. Never again will I let you go through that."

Sleep tight, little one.

Friends

2008-09-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

Crazy day today.

Got to the office, running miserably late. Scheduled to interview someone for an opening on my staff in 15, no, 10, actually, in 6 minutes. Hadn't even looked at her resume. Wait...was it a she or a he??

Shoved my lunch bag into the fridge in the staff kitchen, completely squishing someone's pie in the process, transforming it from pie to pancake in 0.4 seconds (oh boy...memos will fly tomorrow: "Food Vandalism in the Staff Kitchen!").

Ran...actually CRASHED into the office. My assistant looked up and said, "Oh, you just missed a phone call. Your best friend from Hong Kong called. Said he'll call back in 20 minutes"

What the...? Who?

Never mind...turned on my computer, waiting for the darn thing to boot up...frantically clicking the mouse trying to "speed it up" (Have you ever done that? Why do we do that?)

Phone rang again...for me.

I recognized the voice instantly. Oh my gosh....

It was, as the message said earlier, my best friend from Hong Kong. A friend I grew up with.

We haven't spoken in years. He heard that "something" had happened to me. He took it upon himself to look up where I work (I have no clue how he did it), found my number and called.

Just like that, time stood still. Like hitting the pause button, all the craziness of the morning felt like it's been put on hold.

Sometimes, that's what happens when a friend "walks in".

Given the fact that we haven't talked to each other in years, it was a remarkably brief conversation. He simply said: "Listen, it doesn't matter what happened. I don't need to know. I just called to make sure you are okay. Don't let anyone judge you. Don't pay attention to what people say. They don't matter. Don't give up. You will survive. You'll make it." After promising to keep in touch, he hung up and let me get back to work.

Among the few truly life changing lessons I have learned during this "episode" of my life, one of them is that I learned who are my friends, and who aren't. Having been betrayed and hurt by those whom I thought were friends to me, I now look upon that as a blessing. Because it allowed me to be taught and shown what real friends are supposed to be, and I have been humbled.

A friend looks you up, tracks you down, searches you out and won't stop until he does.

A friend does not care to know everything. He cares about you.

A friend does not judge you, and stands up for you against those who do.

A friend won't quit on you, and won't let you quit on yourself.

A friend does all that, simply because he is your friend.

To my friend, whom I know is reading this: Thank you. There isn't much more I can do or say, but between friends, I hope that's enough.

In the meantime, my interviewee showed up...I had to get through the hour long meeting "pretending" I was there.

I did alright though. After all, I played that game for most of my adult life.

But no more. I'm out. I'm done.

Twinkle twinkle little star...

2008-09-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I put up this night light in my little girl's bedroom. The first night I turned it on for her, I heard singing coming from her room in the middle of the night. I went over and found her lying in her bed, looking at the star and singing "Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are...". On her face was this expression, this look that tells you she is off in her own dreamland... wondering where the star will take her.

The longer I have been a parent, the more I am convinced that the ability to imagine, to create, to dream, to wish for something more than the eyes can see is a gift that all of us are given. In many ways, that's part of what defines the human spirit. It's a core part of who we are and what we are.

In the pursuit of faith, two elements are key and central, just as hydrogen and oxygen are key elements in the formation of water (I had to throw that in there for people who mock my lack of scientific knowledge :): (1) The freedom to wonder and to doubt and (2) The ability to dream and to imagine. It occured to me, while I watched my little girl sang, that this is precisely what is lacking in the way the church teaches young people to develop "faith". It perhaps also explains why the church in general has trouble reaching youths.

In the church, we are big on teaching "What" we believe: doctrines, rules, statments of faith, etc. We are not nearly as good in teaching "How" to believe: encouraging questions and doubts, giving space for creative, new and individual expressions of faith through the arts, directing resources to allow young people to not only dream of doing something different but actually trying to make it into reality. It is self contradicting and ultimately self-defeating, I have learned, to encourage people to "believe" and then hand just them a list and say "Now, THIS, AND ONLY THIS, is what you are to believe in..." (Think back to your own pre-baptism interview)

Personally, I have learned to look at what I do in terms of speaking, music, writing and photography as "art" and I have adopted a mission statement for those different pursuits of mine: "To give courage to imagine....".

As a father, I hope I can inspire my little girl, so that when she looks up at a star, rather than waiting for someone to tell her everything about what it is and what it isn't, there will always be that part in her spirit that sings, "twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are..."

Our Anniversary (16th)

2008-09-05T21:26:00.000-07:00

So today is our 16th wedding anniversary. It's been a while since we went out with just the two of us, so with my sister offering to take care of Taylor, we went with a friend's recommendation and went to a HIGHLY rated sushi restaurant for dinner.

It was absolutely the BEST sushi we have ever had! The owner/chef only uses fish imported directly from Japan's Toyko Bay within 24 hours of being taken from water. He even makes his own soy sauce!! To mark the occasion, Anna even tried sake for the first time :)

After the meal, we took a short drive to Humber Bay Park, where I captured a couple of nice shots of the Toronto skyline:

Great food, good wine, nice pictures aside, I think the underlying feeling throughout the evening was that we are thankful to have been together for 16 years, through all the up's and down's that life has thrown at us. What a journey it has been!

End of Summer :-(

2008-09-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of Summer...well, perhaps not officially, but we always look at the last day of the Labor Day Weekend as the last day of summer. After dinner at home, we decided to go down to the Harbour Front area for a walk and some ice-cream. As the sun was setting, I managed to catch a shot of the harbour that I thought was rather nice :-)

Not bad, huh? ;-)

After our walk, we bought ice cream from an ice cream truck. (Taylor was born with a special sensor in her optic nerve that enables her to spot an ice cream truck from 12 blocks out:-). It was one of those "moments"...upbeat, happy Jewish music was coming from an open air stage nearby. Everyone was walking around, smiling and checking out the harbour front shops. Wonderful smells from the food stands filled the air. As we sat there with our ice cream, we just tried to sit back and take it all in. (Taylor, of course, was oblivious to the surroundings as she was "locked in" to her ice cream :)

As the sun slowly set in the warm evening breeze, we looked back at the summer and both felt we've taken steps forward as a couple, despite the fact that we are both dealing with our individual pain. As I sat there, I remembered next week is our wedding anniversary...16 years. What a journey it has been. I can't wait to see what lies around the next corner.

A PERFECT day at Niagara Falls

2008-08-31T10:57:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we took our little girl to spend a day at Niagara Falls. She's never been to the Falls, and I was eager to photograph it for myself. So, we decided to go with a good friend who is also a photographer and make a day of it.

The plan was that we would go take a walk around the Falls, take some pictures, and then head over to Buffalo to a place where supposedly the famous Buffalo style wings were born.

After getting through the line-up at the border, we were there! Anchor Bar, the home of the original Buffalo Chicken Wings! The place was in a part of town that was quite rundown, but the wings were great! So, after refueling with 50 or so Buffalo wings, we went to a local outlet mall to walk around, before heading back to Canada to take some shots of the Falls at night, with all the colors.

To our UTTER dismay, we discovered that the nightly fireworks in the Summer do not go on Saturday nights!! So, we had to settle for the color spot lights. After taking a few shots, we headed back home. It was 1am by the time we sat down in Scarborough for dinner. We were tired, but all thought it was a wonderful day.

To see more pics from our day, visit my picasa album at: http://picasaweb.google.com/alfred.lam/TripToNiagaraFalls

Coming out of the fetal position

2008-08-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

I walked by my daughter's room just now and saw her sleeping in her favorite fetal position: head and knees tucked into her chest and a couple of fingers in her mouth. When my daughter is sleeping like that, she is in her 'happy place'.

Medical text books tell us that the body goes into such a position to protect itself, to minimize further injuries to vital organs. It is an instinctive reaction when the body undergoes extreme stress or trauma. It is a position of self-preservation.

As I watched my little girl sleeps that way, I realized that's how I have been living recently.

You see, I have learned that pain turns your focus inwards until you are literally and figuratively "wrapped up" with yourself.

The ironic thing was that as I retreated deeper and deeper into self-protection mode, as I wrapped my arms tighter and tigher around myself, what I was doing was squeezing the toxin that was poisoning me closer and closer to my heart, until I literally became suicidal.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, I realized the Gospel has an answer, a piece of "good news" for those in pain...

For the first time in my Christian journey, I saw Jesus' life in a different light: In Jesus I saw a brutal honesty that acknowledged pain without the need to mask it, hide it, deny it, or even explain it. He screamed. He cried. He burned with anger.

But, and here is the "good news": instead of curling up in the instinctive "fetal position", Jesus literally did the opposite. He opened his arms, stretched out his legs, and died for the sins of the world.

Perhaps to you, this is no big deal. Perhaps this is all children sunday school material to some of you.

But for me, it is huge.

Because it says to me that even in the face of pain, there is something greater that I can embrace. My life can still have a greater purpose than simply "pain management". My life is meant for more than that.

I can be an instrument of blessing to others. I can be a voice of comfort for those in pain. My story can encourage those who have stumbled and failed. I can be an advocate for those who need a second chance. I can help bring change to how the Christian community looks at those who have failed. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, sometimes it rips me apart. But the good news in Jesus' story says I don't have to wrap myself around it. I don't have to embrace it. My life can be better than that.

For me, that is "good news" indeed.

Those of you who read this blog, I ask for your help:

Help me to come out of my 'fetal position':

Help me to "unclutch" my hands, and "let go" of what others have said and done to me in the past.

Help me to lift up my head so I can see further than my own pain.

Help me to unfold my legs, so I can stand up and walk again.

Help me to open my arms, and welcome the next page in my story...

What have I done??

2008-08-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

I just wrote a difficult email.

Last year, partly because I thought it will be a good "emotional break" and partly because it may be a good career transition move, I applied to go to teachers' college. I was quite pleasantly surprised when I was accepted for this September.

Meanwhile I had taken up my current position of leading a non-profit community service organization. At the beginning, I looked at it as a one year experiment to see if this field interests me. During this time, the organization suddenly fell into crisis mode and I had to learn to rebuild a new funding base, develop a new menu of programs and basically re-invent a 35 year-old organization. A task that I felt very unqualified for but was grateful for the unique learning opportunity. There is nothing like a baptism by fire!

As the summer came to a close, I was dreading the decision that I must make: Should I leave and go back to school? Or should I stay on my job and forfeit my offer of admission?

After many sleepless nights and pondering back and forth, I felt that my presence and leadership is needed here at my job, and decided to shelf the idea of going back to school, at least for now.

That was the difficult email that I just wrote and sent.

Right after I hit "send", it hit me that this has happened before...and I felt a chill down my spine.

A couple of years ago when I knew I was emotionally burnt out as a minister, an opportunity presented itself for me to do something else and "get out". I went through the same process: the sleepless nights, the pros and cons, back-and-forth's, and finally decided to stay because the church needed "my leadership and presence".

The rest, as they say, was history...

Oh my god, what have I just done? Did I just repeat my mistake?

New look!

2008-08-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the new look of my blog :) I thought I'd start with some new colors, but stay tuned...more changes are to come! Hope you like it :)

Dust and Ashes

2008-08-25T06:37:00.001-07:00

Dust and Ashes.

Dust is what you end up with when things are crushed.

Ashes are what you are left with after things are burnt.

There is no better place to learn about life than when you are sitting "in dust and ashes".

For the dust and ashes are life's way of teaching you to ask and answer that single most important question: "What is real?"

I have learned in life, you can put your faith, pin your hopes, pour your love into something, but that alone does not make it real.

When life reduces your faith, hope and love into dirt and ashes, what do you do?

You look for a better faith.

You look for a surer hope.

You look for a truer love.

You get up.

You shake the dust off your feet.

You rise from the ashes.

And you try again...

Older....and wiser :-)

2008-08-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday on Saturday (yay!) and we had a wonderful day! We went out for breakfast and had some REAL eggs benedict (unlike the ones our friend Norm had in New York :-P ). We then took our little girl fishing for the first time :) In the evening we had a few close friends come for dinner where we ate the fish our daughter caught (with some help from her Daddy :)

As in all my previous birthdays, I can say that I am another year older (dah!) but this year, unlike other birthdays gone by, I can also say with certainty that I am another year "wiser". In fact, I probably learned more this year that in all my previous years combined. Pain, afterall, is a great teacher.

After everyone had left and my wife and little girl had gone to bed, I was sitting in the living room with a beer, just "savoring" the day that had gone. My ipod was playing a song that seemed to be speaking to me. It's a song called "See the World" by Gomez (a GREAT tune from the House, MD soundtrack):

See the World

Day to day, where do you want to be?
Cuz now you're trying to pick a fight with everyone you see
You seem like a soldier
who's lost his composure
You're wounded and play a waiting game
in No-Man's-Land no one's to blame

(Chorus)
See the world,
Find an old fashion girl
And when all's been said and done
The things that are given, not won, are the things that you want

Empty-handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance besides the shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You're worn out, and brok-en
Asking me time and time again
And the answer's still the same (to Chorus)

You have a chance to put things right, so how's it gonna be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt.
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

I don't know if it was the day, the song, or the beer (probably the beer). But I found myself having a quiet "Okay...now what?" moment. Having "won it all" and then "lost it all", I have learned to appreciate the line in the chorus that says "The things that are given, not won, are the things that you want."...

So, on the night that I became another year "older", I took stock of what I have been "given", and decided on a "wiser" way of living the rest of my "new" life...

I have been given grace. I will live to extend grace even to those who have injured me.

I have been given forgiveness. If it takes the rest of my life to do it, I will strive to forgive those who have hurt me.

I have been given a story and a message. I will live my life to tell it.

I have been given incredible gifts of communication. I will use them to communicate what I have learned to others: Through writing, through speaking, through music.

Here's to living with what I have been given, rather than living for what I want to win.

Wanted...your stories/wisdom/input

2008-08-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

About 15 years ago I was camping with a group of high school students. One morning before dawn one of them woke me and took me fishing. I stood on a rock in complete darkness, tossed my line out into the water (which I could not see) and waited. I remembered as I was casting the line out into "nothingness", I thought to myself, "I wonder what's out there..."

That's exactly how I am feeling as I am writing this...

One of the ways that I have coped with difficult times in the past is by writing. Physically seeing thoughts turn into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs have always helped me process my thoughts and sort out what's going on inside of me. The other day as I was struggling through another bout of depression/despair, the thought occured to me, clear as a bell: "I need to write".

So, I am embarking on a writing project. In the last 2 years or so, going through depression and emotional pain has rewritten literally every page in my "belief system". One question that haunted me during this time was why after being a Christian for close to 25 years, my faith seemed so "useless" in helping me in my pain. I believe, at least in part, it's because in North American Evangelicalism, we have built a "system of faith" that does not take pain seriously. All of Scripture was written in a context of pain. Yet so often we read and intepret the Bible without taking that context seriously.

In the last 10 months, I have felt "casted out" by some of my closest "friends" in the Christian community. And yet in a strange way, pain has given me a sense of connection with the Biblical narrative. I want to write about my own journey in these last couple of years, and how pain has taught me a new way of seeing, thinking, and understanding my faith. For most people, their faith helps them to understand their pain. For me, my pain has helped me to understand my faith better.

Here is my "cast into the darkness": If you have a story from your own life on how pain has helped you see or understand your faith differently, I'd love to hear it and perhaps include it in the book. I am hoping that the sharing of our stories will spark new ideas and new thinking. Ultimately, I hope the final product will be something that will help the Church to become a kinder, more accepting, less judgemental place. In other words, I hope this project will be woven into the "grand narrative" of the church's journey towards Christ-likeness.

So, please offer me your stories, words of wisdom, advice, input, encouragement, etc. Post a comment, or if you wish, send me an email (alfred.lam@gmail.com). Looking forward to hearing from you!

On Brett Favre

2008-08-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

They say that pain brings people together. I used to think that's just a nice way of rephrasing the good ol' cliche: "misery loves company". But I have learned that my pain has given me two important "gifts": First, being in pain has helped me understand a little better the pain of others. Secondly, being in pain has given me a sense of "commaraderie" with others who are in pain, thus teaching me that we are more alike than we are different.

Take this whole Brett Favre thing for example...

For those who are not familiar with the story, Brett Favre was the super star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers who retired at the end of last season. Since then he has decided to "unretire" only to discover that his old team has decided to move on with a new younger quarterback. After spending practically his entire career (16 years) with this one team, Favre felt he deserved to either be welcomed back or be allowed to leave and play for someone else. The team looked at the situation differently. The whole situation grew into a soap opera that hopefully will be resolved soon. Now, on one level, obviously Brett Favre and I share very little in common:

He can throw a football 50 yards. I can hardly run 50 yards.

He gets paid millions to play football. I can only dream of winning millions playing the lottery.

He is charming and good looking, especially for a man a little older.

Well...

I guess we do share something in common. :)

But what caught my eye when I was reading up on the story last week was what Favre's old coach said after meeting and talking with him for 6 hours. It was reported:

"Packers coach Mike McCarthy said Tuesday evening that after approximately six hours of what he called 'brutally honest' conversations with Favre...Favre couldn't seem to get past emotional wounds that were opened..."

For some reason, that last sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Last year, I would have been just like millions of sports fans and conclude that Favre is just another one of those super star, super rich, super spoiled professional athelete who is acting like a cry baby. I would have joined the "chorus of boos" and said "Whatever...just let it go already!"

But now, when I read what the Packers coach said about Favre's situation, about him not being able to get past his "emotional wounds", somehow, I felt a strange...connection.

Favre has played for Green Bay for approximately the same number of years I have given to my church. Him: 16 years. Me: 17.

I understand what it feels like when that relationship turns sour when you thought you can count on it.

I understand that sometimes, emotional wounds can run so deep, that it's almost inconceivable where or how or when healing can ever take place.

I can understand why everyone else wonders why I cannot just "get past" it or "move on" or "let it go"....because I have wondered about the same thing.

The Old Chinese saying goes: "Until the needle pricks your own flesh, you don't know pain."

Now that I've been "pricked"...I know.

And now these three remain...

2008-08-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

Life is a current.

Things move. Things change.

People come. People go.

If I look beneath the surface, underneath the moving waters, what will I see?

What rocks will I find at the bottom that do not move, do not change, do not come and go?

This is my quest.

For I have learned that all of life's important things are not found floating on top, but anchored at the bottom. Like rocks.

"Where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." 1 Corinthians 13:8, 13

This is my quest.

Pain

2008-08-01T00:57:00.000-07:00

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?"
- Psalm 13:2

3:59am.

Looks like another night without sleep.

The memories won't go away. The pain doesn't stop.

Questions. Haunting questions.

How can they do this?

Robbed.

Betrayed.

"For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me." - Psalm 38:17

"To crush underfoot, to deny a man his rights...would not the Lord see such things?" - Lamentations 3:34-36

"People have heard my groaning, but there is no one to comfort me" Lamentations 1:21

"Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?" Lamentations 2:13

4:15am

Another night without sleep.

"Let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest."
Lamentations 2:18

Act of Faith

2008-07-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I met up with a wonderful friend for a cup of coffee. She picked this obscure, tiny Chinese coffee shop that's tucked away in a back corner of a small Chinese plaza. I had to drive up and down the street 4 times before I finally saw it. But it was a nice quiet spot. The coffee was hot and fresh. The owner was nice. AND the place uses the highest quality toilet paper I have ever seen in any Chinese eating establishment: 3-ply Cottonelle!! The tissue paper itself was well worth the trip. But I digress...

During that conversation over coffee I said something that I only realized later as being "really cool". (I love it when that happens!) So, being the unselfish person that I am, I thought I'd share it with you here...

When I look at my life today, on the surface there is very little to suggest I am a god-believing person. I don't attend church. I don't read the Bible. I don't pray much. I don't listen to Christian music anymore (not that I have anything against Christian music...well, that's actually not true, but that's another blog entry for another day), AND because I am playing so much hockey these days and around hockey players quite a bit, I have picked up the bad habit of an occasional swear word or two :P

Please do not misunderstand me. I am not putting down any of those "religious practices". If there is one thing I learned, it's that faith is intensely personal and it manifests itself differently in different people. For me, at this stage of my 'quest', the most meaningful 'act of faith' is choosing to believe that my story has meaning, believing that Someone is writing a new page, and having the courage to want to turn the page.

Afer all, whenever you read a novel or a book, isn't every turning of the page an "act of faith" in itself? By turning the page, you are choosing to believe that the story is going somewhere, that it is building towards something. You choose to place your time in the hands of the author, "trusting" him/her to take you somewhere unexpected.

Another thing I learned about page turning: You cannot choose to keep looking at a previous page and turn to a new page at the same time. Perhaps in my case, it is also an "act of faith" to choose to take my eyes off the last page, and turn to a new one.

Life According to House

2008-07-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Lately, partly because I have trouble sleeping at night, I have picked up a new addiction: Watching late night reruns of "House".

For those who are not familiar with the TV series, Dr. Gregory House, the series main character is a brilliant doctor who has the personality of a cactus and the maturity of a 3 year old. Socially, he is an absolutely failure in relationships, and go to great lengths to avoid any sort of interaction with his patients. Ethically, he has no problem lying to get what he wants. Phyically, he has chronic pain in his right leg, and because of that he is addicted to pain killers. But in spite of being deeply flawed in just about every possible way, he saves lives, successfully diagnosing and treating diseases that no other doctors (in the show) could do.

I think part of the reason why I, and judging by the show's ratings, millions others are drawn to the show is that deep inside, we want to believe that in spite of our own flaws, we can live useful lives that make a difference.

The last episode I watched affected me rather deeply. A girl was brought in to the hospital who had been raped. She insisted on being treated by House, even though House found nothing medically interesting about her case. The girl refused to talk about what happened to her, but insisted on talking to House. She would talk about anything: They talked about the weather. They talked about House's past. The girl was a Christian and they debated about religious philosophy. But she wouldn't talk about herself or what happened to her.

House finally gave up and asked her why she wanted to talk to him. She said: "Because something about you tells me that you understand pain." Towards the end of the show, in a (very) rare moment of self-disclosure, House confided that he was abused by his father as a child. Upon hearing House' story, the episode ended with the girl saying: "Now I am ready to tell you what happened to me."

During my own sleepless moments, I can't help but think that perhaps my own story of pain will be useful to people, that perhaps there are people whom, like the girl in the show, NEEDS to hear it from someone who has gone through pain before being willing to say, "Now I am ready to tell you my pain."

Recently I was told by the "higher powers that be" that I am no longer 'qualifed for ministry'. It's so ironic: The very things that I feel are making me 'useful' to others: doubts, brokenness, struggles, failures, pain; are being cited as reasons why I am no longer 'qualifed'.

Perhaps part of my search is to look for a place where I will be accepted as a person rather than judged and dealt with as a "problem", where my story will be embraced as a whole rather than "white-washed", where I can be "useful" in helping people, flawed as I am.

I continue to search for that place, because I believe that's where redemption lies. To me, redemption is not a abstract theological concept or an existential state of being. Rather, redemption is finding that place where your story, not just the 'good parts', but all of it, makes sense. Redemption is finding that community where your story will be embraced in all its glory and ugliness and together, you turn the page and discover, "Wow! there is a next chapter! This leads somewhere!"

So, the search goes on...

a longing for belonging

2008-07-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago I ran into a pastor whom I have done a couple of projects with before. Since I left the ministry, I have experienced a few such encounters with "ex-colleagues". Without exception, those encounters had happened as follows:

First, The person tried extremely hard to pretend not to see me. I once was eating in a small diner, a ministry couple I knew walked in and sat down in the next booth, literally less than an arms-length to my right. They looked over, saw me and (I am not making this up, I swear!) proceeded to bury their faces into the menus. After they put their menus down (finally!) and ordered, they locked eyes with each other as they talked, careful not to glance my way. I decided to end the awkwardness by calling out their names and said hi. What followed was the worst acting job I have ever seen as they were "surprised" that I was there.

Then, the person would go to great lengths to make the encounter as brief as possible. When I ran into that pastor couple of nights ago, I extended my hand and said hi. The person (Again, I'm not making this up) shook my hand very briefly, and walked right past me, without stopping.

Finally, and again this has happened every time so far. The person would make a vague promise about getting together, while they hurriedly backed away from me. "Let's have lunch some time", "I'll call you and have coffee", "let's chat sometime". Of course, none of those promised lunches and dinners and coffee chats had happened. Not once.

Every one of those encouters hurt, of course. It hurts when people whom you once worked with now try to pretend you don't exist. But during my more clear-headed moments, I reflected back on my whole experience and I realized perhaps there is an important realization here:

As a church, we are not good with people.

Sure, we want people. All kinds of people. We want capable people to run our committees, loving people to teach our kids, generous people to support our budgets, musical people to lead our services, and so on. But when people make mistakes and stumble, in other words, when people actually, simply behave like people, we don't know what to do with them.

I don't attend church anymore. But deep inside, there is a longing to belong somewhere. If I ever go to church again, all the things that were important for me to find in a church won't apply anymore. I don't think I will care much if the teaching is fantastic, or if the music is polished, or if there is a great Sunday School program, etc. I simply want to go somewhere where I will be treated as a person. A place where people recognize that we are no better or no worse than one another. A place that acknowledges the reality of our sinfulness but at the same time respects, honors and celebrates the dignity of our personhood. A place that we can share the brokenness in each of our stories, and at the same time look forward to the healing and redemption that may come as we turn the pages together...

"sometimes you wanna go
where everybody knows your name;
and they're always glad you came...

you wanna go where people know
that people are all the same
you wanna go where everybody knows your name

you wanna go where people know
our troubles are all the same
you wanna go where everybody knows your name..."

On Fireworks and Friendships

2008-07-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I went with a few friends to watch the Canada Day fireworks show at Miliken Park in Scarborough. I first proposed the idea because I wanted to learn to photograph fireworks, and since my two other friends are also into photography and we are all at the same level, I thought it'll be a good learning experience together.

So the five of us walked over to the park together. We started getting excited when we saw how packed the park was. "Wow, with this many people showing up, this must be good!" Unfortunately, the fireworks show itself wasn't that impressive. And since this was our first attempt at fireworks photography, we made plenty of rookie mistakes which we hopefully will not repeat in our next attempt. (Lesson #1: When photographing fireworks, do not set up your tripod in front of a tall tree)

So we were all standing there watching lame fireworks and taking pictures of a tall dark tree at night. But somehow we were having a great time with each other. In between blast of fireworks, it occured to me that since I resigned from the church almost 10 months ago (!), I have found my most faithful friendships in the most unexpected places. The old cliche goes: "A friend is someone who walks in when the world walks out." While I had experienced much of the "walking out" from those whom I thought I could count on, I have learned to treaure those who have decided to "walk in", like those whom I was with last night.

They were part of a group of young(er) folks that we used to "mentor" when I was with the church. Over the years the "mentor-mentee" relationship had transformed into a genuine friendship among peers. (Part of that no doubt happened because they quickly discovered I really didn't have anything to offer as a "mentor" :). Since "the incident" happened, they were the one group that had absolutely refused to abandon us. They kept coming over to the house to hang out and to eat. They kept including us in weekend activities and day trips. Even though they didn't know and much less understood what had happened and what I am going through, I felt loved, accepted and respected by them.

This comes through even in the little things: For years, whenever we eat together I was the "go to guy" to pray for the food. For different reasons, I have stopped "saying grace" before meals while I struggle and try to figure out what it means to authentically live as a person of faith. The first time we sat down for a meal after my resignation, without missing a beat, they all just bow and prayed privately for the meal. There was no big speech, no awkward silence as people look around for someone to "do the prayer". They all just bowed, took a moment to pray, and got on with the food. It was almost their way of saying, "It doesn't matter if you are our pastor. It matters more that you are our friend."

As the last blast of fireworks faded into the evening, we packed up our cameras and walked back to the car. We laughed about the poor fireworks, we laughed about our poorer attempts to photograph them, we laughed about how much a waste of time it was. In the midst of that laughter, I felt strangely blessed. It was only appropriate. Afterall, I was among friends.

Photography: Learning to See

2008-06-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

In my last entry I mentioned that during the darkest and most painful periods in my life, I have picked up different hobbies and interests which have taught me valuable lessons about life. In the last couple of years, I have discovered a new passion: photography.

The word "photography" literally means "writing with light". By definition, photography isn't about producing a nice picture. It is a form of communicating, a form of writing if you will. It is using an image to communicate a message. Sometimes the message hits you in the face like a stiff punch. Sometimes it wants you to slow down and ponder. Other times it captures a "moment" and invites you to imagine the rest of the 'story'. But regardless, good photography is about communication. While spoken communication goes from my lips to your ears, photography goes from my eyes to yours.

My interest in photography goes beyond the technical "shop talk" like focal lengths and shutter speeds. (Having said that, I am still a big sucker for the newest and latest gadget that promises to turn me into a Pulitzer Prize winner. Give me a break, I am a guy!) I got into photography because it teaches me to do something that most of us take for granted: Photography teaches me how to see.

Seeing, I have learned, is a decisive, deliberate act. It involves 2 choices: You choose what you see, and you choose what not to see. You make that choice by manipulating the lens on your camera. You zoom in and out to decide what you include and exclude in your image.

A few days ago I caught myself thinking of the past, about the way I was hurt by the church and felt myself sinking into despair. I happened to have my camera with me and I took it out to take some pictures of flowers. The camera forces me to focus and see the beauty around me: I saw the brilliant colors, the perfect texture and shape of each petal, and it occured to me that in this world of ugliness, there is beauty. What I see depends on what lens I decide to look through.

Here are a few shots I took that day: http://picasaweb.google.com/alfred.lam/ADayAtTheNursery

Lessons learned along the way...

2008-06-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

Recently I took stock of where my life has been for the last 20 years or so. During these past 2 decades, there has been 2 or 3 noticable "tough patches"; long periods of time when things were very difficult. As I looked back, I discovered something interesting: During each of these tough periods, the way I coped with life was to develop a new hobby/interest. And each of those hobbies taught me philosophical lessons that made me grow as a person. I thought this may be a good place to share some of those with you...

In the early nineties, I was dealing with a painful situation in my own family. During those days, as a way of escaping the stress, I picked up marathon running. There are a lot of ways in which running a marathon mirrors life. But the one lesson that has stayed with me and is helping me to this day is this: a race, no matter how long, can only be run one step at a time.

A marathon measures 26 miles, 385 yards or 41.195 km. That is roughly the distance between the East end of Scarborough and the West end of Mississauga. That's a long way to run. There are times during the late stages of a marathon when you body is completely out of fuel. Runners call it 'hitting the wall'. When that happens, you cannot think of how many miles is left to the finish line. The only thing you can do is to focus all your mental and physical energies to the most important task at hand: taking the next step. You pick up your foot, move it forward, and put it down. When you have done that, you do it again with your other foot.

One step at a time. These days, it is that training and experience that is getting me through the days. There are days when I wake up and I feel completely spent. I wanted to look back at the past and feel angry. I look ahead to the future and feel fearful and uncertain. On those days, I draw from my marathon running days and remind myself to just focus on one step, one task at a time...

"don't think about the past which you can't change"

"don't think about the future which you can't control"

"don't think about what others say and do which you can't dictate"

"focus on doing this one thing....for now."

I cannot tell you how many times that routine has gotten me through a day. One task at a time, one step at a time.

************
PS: After I finished blogging this entry, it hit me why the imagery of running has always connected with me as a metaphor for my life. Beyond the obvious physical benefits, the one thing that has always drawn me to running is the loneliness of the sport. As a distance runner, you log mile after mile, hour after hour, day after day, running alone. Even in a major marathon race with more than 10,000 participants, you are really running alone. I guess that is how I have always felt - alone.

PS-1: May be that's why the story of 'Footprints" has never resonnated with me...I have never seen that 'second pair' of footprints...

PS-2: If you happen to be running down my street...I'd love to run with you. Please...

Thoughts after the earthquake...

2008-06-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

"If you go about looking for a God to fill your own 'God-shaped void' inside your heart, you will end up with a 'void-shaped God'".

Not sure where I have seen that quote before (It may be a paraphrase). But I find myself thinking about that a lot these days when I watch the latest news coverage of the Sichuan earthquake.

As I watch the incredible devastation and the loss of lives, it occured to me that surely, if there is a God, His agenda is bigger than sqeezing Himself into the "void's" of different shapes and sizes in each human's heart.

Perhaps the point of a life of faith or a life of calling isn't so much in looking for God to fill the "God-Shaped Vaccum" inside my heart, but for me to look for the "Alfred-Shaped Vaccum" in this world. A need, a space, that God is looking for me to uniquely fill....

"I see God in you..."

2008-05-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did my first speaking engagement as Executive Director of my organization. I was invited to give a speech on volunteerism in Canada to a group of new immigrants. It was my first time speaking in public in almost 6 months. Before hand I was rather nervous, it was almost like a race car driver getting back behind the wheel after crashing (alright, so I know nothing about driving a race car, but you get the idea :) ).

Almost as soon as I stepped behind the podium, everything came back: The feeling of being "at home". Feeling that internal "switch" turn on when I am on stage. The feeling of being "connected" with the audience, even though I didn't know any of them personally. Seeing thoughts turn into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs in my mind. The feeling was just as I remembered it. And it felt...good. I focused on encouraging them as new immigrants, and stressing to them that they can make a difference in the communites they live in through volunteering.

Afterwards many people came to talk to me, telling me they were encouraged by the talk. I spoke with one person after another, shook hands with them, trying to learn their names (It was almost like church!). But one encounter in particular stopped me in my tracks.

A spanish speaking lady came up, we spoke for a while, and then she asked me:

"Are you a Christian?"

It's been a long time since anyone had asked me that. To be honest, it's been a long time since I have thought about myself in those terms. I found myself hesitating, not knowing how best to respond. Finally I said, "Um...yes I am."

She explained to me that she is Catholic, and how she has been struggling as a new immigrant to this country. And then with tears in her eyes, she gave me a big smile, and said:

"I could tell you are a Christian. I see God in you"

"I see God in you."

Wow.

W-O-W.

6 months.

For 6 whole months, every night I hear the judging, condemning words that was spoken to me 6 months ago by those whom I thought were my friends.

For the first time in 6 months, someone said something to me that went to that same place in my heart where those hurtful words were stored.

For the first time in 6 months, I hear the condemning voices begin to fade, and I felt a sense of...healing.

"I see God in you"

Wow.

Chalk it up to another step forward.

A New Season...

2008-04-24T10:45:00.001-07:00

Wow...hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. Well, it's been an up and down month for myself emotionally. Still dealing with some of the old wounds, as well as some fresh hurts and fresh pain. Work has been busy and challenging. But I am grateful for the fact that I have a job that allows me to continue to live out my life-mission of being a blessing to others. So, I try to go at it one day at a time. There are some good days, and there are some not-so-good days. But I hope that as I continue to walk forward, a day will come when I can finally leave the past behind...

As part of my new life, I joined a new hockey team! I am playing in a men's league and my team is called the Canlan Canucks. We play on Monday nights and the new Summer season is starting this coming Monday. I am really excited and can't wait to get to the dressing room to meet the guys. Hopefully some new friendships will be formed.

When I am on the ice, it's such a relief to be able to forget everything and just focus all my energy and attention on that little black puck. It is one of the rare times in my life these days that I can stop thinking about "stuff". It's refreshing to be running after something rather than trying to run from something...

Go Canucks!

Easter...

2008-03-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Easter.

New life.

Resurrection.

Hope.

New Beginnings.

When? When? When?

Angry.

Bitter.

Heavy.

Burdened.

Tired.

So tired.

Why?

How could they?

What's the point?

Want to quit

So tired....

Too tired...

別問

2008-03-26T19:52:00.000-07:00

一個人要走多遠　歷經多少滄桑才會累?
什麼地方才是家?　為了誰才留下?

一個人要想多久　歷經多少挫折才會懂:
不再輕易掉眼淚
不再輕易說:
"今生無悔無怨"
"用一生做誓言"
"為誰放棄一切"

我不再是我, 誰又是誰?

別問我的傷
別問我的痛
別問我的心中是否在流血
別問我是否心已碎
別問酒逢故人醉不醉

別問我的苦
別問我的悲
別問我的流浪是否很疲憊
別問我是否還有淚
別問魂縈舊夢對不對
也別問我悔不悔

The joy of helping...

2008-03-06T06:21:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago our organization needed to come before the municipal council to lobby on a critical decision the town was about to make. Because i am so new to the scene and am not familiar with a lot of our history, we decided that our chairperson would do the speaking and I would assist her. So I helped draft the speech, prepared the script, and so on. I wanted to do my best to help her do her best, so I shared with her little things that I had learned from my public speaking background, even little things like taking out the staple from your notes before you speak and how to fold up the corners of the notes to make it easier to move the pages (Go ahead, say it...I am a control freak :-)

I stood next to her as she spoke as a resource person in case the council have questions to ask us. And as she spoke, my mind was like a running 'teleprompter', seeing each line of the script come up, and quietly rooting and cheering for her. She did a wonderful job and the council gave us a favorable response. I was thrilled.

Afterwards as we talked about what happened, I felt something vaguely familiar...something that I haven't felt for years from my work...I guess the closest word to describe it would be "Joy". It was the simple joy of knowing that you have helped somone. In a heart that has been poisoned by bitterness and hardened by anger...the drop of joy was as refreshing as a cold drink on a hot day.

Chalk that up to another step forward. Gotta keep walking...

Keep Walking...

2008-02-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight... U2 "Walk On"

I am tired.

Tired of being angry at those who will never know how much they have hurt me.
Tired of being bitter at an institution that will never change
Tired of waiting for answers that will never come.

I am tired. It's time to walk on...

I once gave a talk about life...I entitled it "What should I pack for the journey?" That's the question I must ask today...

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

I don't know where I am walking to...I don't know who will walk with me...I only know I need to keep walking...keep walking...Because that's the only way to keep me from looking back. The only way to keep anger and bitterness from catching up to me and erode my soul...

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen

just walk on...

2008-02-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

Today marked the last day of work for the retiring Executive Director of our organization. I have had the privilege of 'shadowing' her for the last 2 weeks, trying to learn everything about the job as her successor. She is one of the most kind hearted, good natured, capable and competent person I have ever met. I only regretted not having the opportunity to meet her sooner.

Anyways, the day was busy as she tried to wrap everything up before she goes, and leaving me with final instructions. As the clock winded down, the time finally came for her to leave. 10 years on the job, and it came down to the final moment. She simply handed her keys back, gave everyone a hug and some kind words and walked out with a glorious smile on her face. Talking to her these past couple of weeks, she had often talked about how much she is looking forward to the next chapter of her life. She wants to write, travel, volunteer and take on new challenges. What an admirable attitude!

As I watched her walked out with the late afternoon Sun on her face, I realized this is how life works. It doesn't matter how long you have been at one place: 5 years, 10 years, 20 years; there always come that moment when it's time to walk on...

After I walked her out, I went back to my desk and wept...I thought back to the day when I walked away after 17 years. As I did, all the anger and bitterness came flooding back like a tidal wave...and then I thought about our retiring Executive Director and her example. And I realize that's what I have to do. Just walk on. Keeping walking. Don't look back. Look! the afternoon Sun is beginning to set. It felt like it's been forever since the last time I saw the Sun. It's almost 5, which means I will see my little girl soon as I pick her up from school. I can't wait.

I've got to go. I have more important things waiting for me to do...

Reflections (5) A Better Faith?

2008-02-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

One of the most loaded statements in the entire Bible is found in the Old Testament book of Habakkuk. I have always loved Habakkuk the man. He is one of those guys who won't take any BS from anybody. Not even from God Himself. He looked around, didn't like what God was doing, and demanded his day in court with Him. His eyes were telling him one thing. His faith was trying to tell him something else. It was in that context of eyes vs. faith, what you see vs. what you believe that God spoke these words to a pissed-off Habakkuk: "The righteous shall live by faith."

"Living by Faith", I have learned, is a dangerous business. An old English saying goes: "Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword." I have learned the same thing can be said about "Living by Faith". Few things in life is as painful as finding out that you have placed faith in the wrong place. When faith breaks, It doesn't snap into two. It doesn't crumble into a heap. Rather, it shatters. Those who have experienced a breaking of faith know that you don't just "pick up the pieces and move on." Rather, you sit there, and you pull out the shrapnel embedded in your soul, one at a time. It is a painstaking, excruciating process (think of Job, scraping his sores with a broken piece of pottery). It is a process that leaves you scarred, and changed forever. Eventually you move on: the pain dulls, the blood dries, the wound closes. But you are never the same. Part of you died.

For as long as I can remember, for as long as I have considered myself a "person of faith", I have placed my faith in a religious institution called the church. I embraced it, I poured my life and youth into it for almost 20 years. For me, believing in Jesus and believing in the church are the same thing. I have since learned that to be a deadly mistake.

I no longer attend church. I doubt I ever will again. My experience and the experiences of others close to me have shown me the hypocrisy that is so common in "institutional Christianity". I gave 18 years of my life, the most vibrant days of my youth to the church. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained..."

When faith shatters, you are left with two choices: You either give up on having faith in anything, or you get up, and start searching for a better faith. I chose the latter. I chose to believe again. I need to believe again. I need to believe that my life, with all its brokenness, can be woven into the grand story of redemption that God is writing for the world. I need to believe that God's goodness is inherent in the human spirit, and the world is a better place when we help each other to find that within ourselves. I need to believe that I am placed here to bring the presence of Jesus outside the four walls of the church. I need to believe that one day, one day, the anger in me will stop, the bitterness will subside, the raging storm will calm. I need to believe...

25 years ago I thought I had found faith as a high school student when I joined the church. 25 years later, I start looking again for faith....hopefully this time, I will find something "better"...

new job, new beginning

2008-01-31T19:13:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! I just want to take a break from my 'heavy duty' postings lately and let you know that I am about to start a new position. I am the new Executive Director of a non-profit, non-religious organization that connects people in need with available social services in the city. Officially I start on Monday, but last night I attended a board meeting and was introduced to the Board of Directors. I am really excited about the mandate of the organization and their desire to keep growing. There are some great people on the Board. They are all highly qualified and passionately involved with the community. They warmly welcomed me, but at the same time were clear that they have high expectations. I am really looking forward to the challenge. It's been a long, long time since I feel this alive and excited about an opportunity.

After the meeting, I walked out into the cold evening air. I took a deep breath, and said to myself, "This is it. It's time to leave the past and move on." I hope to share with all of you new lessons that I learn as I turn the page to this new chapter of my life. Thanks for reading :-)

Reflection (4): Brokenness...

2008-01-25T11:19:00.000-08:00

Mother Teresa once said "You will never know Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have."

I have been thinking about that quote a lot lately.

How often have we been guilty of telling the world that "Jesus is all you need!" When we have never, not once, allowed ourselves to remotely come close to a place in life where Jesus is all we have? In fact, don't most of us direct our lives, our studies, our careers, our financial planning to avoid ending up in a situation where "Jesus is all we have"?

But, as part of the evangelical church culture, we do this sort of thing all the time. We speak about things that we have no business speaking on:

We declare forgiveness without knowing the pain of being offended.

We pronounce judgement on people without ever spending 5 minutes in their shoes.

We promise to embrace all people in our community without really knowing how difficult it can be...is it any wonder that people who are most difficult to "embrace" usually would not touch the church with a ten foot pole?

We really should stop saying those things. Really.

Because, with all due respect, we don't know what we are talking about.

Recently I discovered something about myself: I am deeply flawed.

(I know some of you find that VERY hard to believe..."You mean, he is not perfect? Oh, say it ain't so! For the love of God, say it ain't so!")

I am not just talking about having a couple of annoying habits ("Would you PLEASE stop leaving your socks all over the place??") or some less than ideal, but "safe" shortcomings ("I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer."). Rather, I am talking about being flawed and broken and corrupted and polluted at the core of my being. That I am capable of things that I never thought possible.

This new "appreciation" of my own brokenness has led me to a startling realization: As a Christian, it is much easier to talk about how God's grace is all YOU need when I have never been in a situation where God's grace is all I have. I would tell people to "receive" or "accept" God's grace in Jesus in much the same fashion that a doctor would instruct a patient to take two asprins and call him in the morning.

It is simple. It is easy.

I now know that only those who have never really confronted their own brokeness and ugliness, and thus have never really needed grace would talk about grace being simple and easy to accept.

You can always figure out who they are. One word betray their identity. That favorite word in the evangelical dictionary: "Just"

"Just believe it."

"Just accept it."

Those who have been to that pit where they have stared at their own brokenness know very well that when you are at that place where you really, really need grace, there is nothing "just" about it...

You do not "just" believe because you once did, and you really don't know if you want to do it anymore.

You do not "just" accept it because there are things that you are angry and bitter about, and like Job in the Bible, you want your day in court. With God and with others.

For all my life, my favorite verse in the entire Bible is "My grace is sufficient for you..." I quoted it often for others in speech and in writing. I tossed it around like croutons in a salad. Only now do I know how heavy a statement that is...when I struggle with my need for grace. When I wonder and doubt if grace truly is sufficient.

I have now learned I should stop pronouncing grace as if it is the easy magic pill that will solve all your problems.

May be our Jewish brothers and sisters have it right when they refuse to speak aloud the name of God. Because certain things are truly best left unsaid, partly because they are sacred.

And partly because we truly, truly do not know what we are talking about.

Reflections (3): Humpty Dumpty...

2008-01-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
And all the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."

Ah...one of my favorite children's rhyme. Knew it for as long as I could remember. Yet years after learning about the tragedy of poor Mr. Dumpty, unanswered questions continue to haunt me:

(1) Why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall in the first place? Who put him there? As far as we can tell from the forensics Mr. Dumpty was alone on top of the wall when the fateful fall occured. Where were the people who put him there? Why was he allowed to remain on top of the wall alone?

(2) If, and we are speculating here beyond the available evidence...but hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Dumpty had expressed a desire not to be on the wall, were the people who left him alone up there held accountable for the fall? Should they share some responsibility?

(3) Did anyone ask why Mr. Dumpty fell? Was it an accident? A simple act of recklessness or carelessness? Was he pushed? Was it a suicide attempt? Does it matter to anybody why? Did anyone even bother to ask before the mop up operation began?

(4) When the King's horses and the King's men discovered that Mr. Dumpty was beyond repair, what did they do? Did they just leave him there? Evidence seems to suggest that Mr. Dumpty was alive after the fall, albeit badly broken. Did they conclude that a broken Humpty Dumpty is no longer fit for their company?

(5) More importantly, did anyone learn anything from Mr. Dumpty's fall? Was anything done to prevent the same thing from happening again? Or did they simply put another Mr. Dumpty on the wall again?

So in the story, we met Mr. Dumpty, we met the King's horses, we met the King's men...of course there remains the most troubling question in all of this:

Where was the King?

Reflections (2): Stones

2008-01-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

Stones.

They were the first things she saw when she opened her eyes again.

She is standing in the middle of the empty courtyard. He is kneelinig down, writing in the sand, seemingly oblivious to everything around him. She looked around, and there are just the two of them left.

And the stones.

A moment ago, these same stones were clinched in the hands of angry men. Poised to be launched. To hurt. To injure. To punish. To cause pain. In the name of Justice. In the name of The Law. In the name of Honour and Discipline.

In the Name of God.

"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" the man said

Silence.

Thump. A stone fell.

Thump, thump, thump.

And now there is just the two of them left in the courtyard.

And the stones.

Meanwhile, the men spilled out into the streets.

"Hey, what happened this morning? I heard there was a stoning?"

"Don't ask me...I didn't throw my stone."

I didn't throw my stone.

Is that enough?

Is that all there is when we use words like "Community", "Forgiveness", "Embracing"?

When something goes wrong, terribly wrong with one of us, is that our defining "claim to fame" as a Christian Community?

"I didn't throw my stone. I am not here to judge."

So...what DID we do? What ARE we here for?

It's too bad the men left so quickly. Had they stayed around a bit, they would have heard Jesus' pronouncement of forgiveness: "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more."

If sin is communal. Perhaps they needed to hear it too.

反思(1)﹕ 保護教會﹖

2008-01-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

(註﹕在未來幾個星期我將會post出一連串的文章﹐定名為“反思”。這些文章記載了我在人生這段最黑暗的日子中問過的問題。當中的重點是分享問題多於給予答案。而我的目的也不是要說服任何人。我只希望這些問題可以激發起大家的思潮﹐能使用這blog去交流﹐分享﹐對話。也希望透過這過程我們可彼此學習﹐讓我們每個人的思想可以全面化一點。老套的加多一句﹕請多指教!)

****************
當傳道人“出事”時﹐教會或機構往往第一個"下意識"的反應﹐就是說要"保護教會"﹐或"保護機構"。比較少聽到第一個反應是要保護當事人的感受和私隱。當然﹐這也是情有可原。一般人都會想﹐既然“當事人”是犯了錯﹐他的難受也可算是“自食其果”。

但當我們覺得要從“保護教會”和“保護當事人”中作出選擇時﹐其實會不會在思想上已出現了嚴重的問題呢﹖

當我們覺得要選擇保護 "教會" 或保護"人"的時候﹐這選擇假設了這兩件事是分開的。這個選擇﹐這個心態把教會變成了一個跟“人”分開的“獨立個體”﹐所以我們會想要犧牲“人”去保護“她”。

讓我班門弄斧﹐從商界舉一個例子﹕假如明天你決定開始一檔新的小生意﹐從法律的眼光中﹐這檔生意的存亡和你的本人是分不開的。這生意的收入就是你的收入。這生意所負的債務就是你的債務。但如果你辦手續把你這檔生意變成一個企業(即英文的"Corporation"),在法律的眼光中這生意跟你就劃清了界線。它已成為了一個“獨立個體”(Entity)。它的生死存亡跟你自己的個人財產是分開的。

在我們北美的基督教文化當中﹐會否漸漸的把教會變成一個一個﹐跟人分開的corporation﹖

這是否能解釋為甚麼我們見到越來越多“教會增長”﹐“教會管理”﹐“教會發展”一類型的講座﹐但在這“增長”﹐“管理”﹐“發展”的巨輪底下﹐卻經常見到被壓傷﹐被遺忘的人﹖

“人”和“教會”真的是兩個獨立的個體嗎﹖

真的可以犧牲“人”去保護“教會”嗎﹖

再班門弄斧﹕在神學上﹐這觀點是正確嗎﹖

請賜教!

這段日子﹐不少教會中的朋友寫信來給我鼓勵。當中我最珍惜的是其中的一句話﹕“...想到你要離開我們﹐就像要看到自己的親骨肉離家出走一樣心痛!”

"親骨肉"...每次我讀到這三個字﹐眼淚就一滴一滴的流下來...

給跌倒過, 受傷過的傳道者

2008-01-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

您好!

最近好嗎﹖您可能不認識我是誰﹐其實我也可能不認識您。但我決定開始再寫blog的一晚﹐心中就想起您。很想﹐很想跟您分享心裡的一些話。

雖然我們可能素未謀面﹐但某程度上我可能也頗認識您...

我不知道您事奉年日的長短﹐但我知道無論是一年﹐五年﹐十年﹐或二十年﹐您曾經為了教會把自己100%﹐毫無保留﹐從無怨言﹐徹徹底底地付出。一日復一日﹐一年又一年...

我不知道您發生事情的來龍去脈﹐但我知道您心中﹐您背後的故事﹐可能沒有太多人能真正明白。

我不知道您身邊的人對整件事的反應﹐但我知道您自己所流過的眼淚﹐一定不比其它人少。

朋友﹐是嗎﹖

作晚自己一個拿起結他﹐隨意地自彈自唱。無意中彈出了粱漢文的“七友”。唱到某一句﹐忽然唱不下去了﹕“誰人曾介意我也不好受﹐為我出頭﹐碰過我的手...”

“出事”後﹐聽過一些令自己十分難受的說話。每晚夜瀾人靜時﹐經常在腦海中重複地聽到這些話。每“重播”一次﹐心中就痛一次。您也是這樣嗎﹖

後來﹐慢慢的想通了﹕自己受傷﹐並不等於人家蓄意中傷自己。大家處理這種事情都缺乏經驗﹐而感到束手無策。無意中失言﹐也是在所難免。再加上有時“言者雖無心﹔聽者則有意”。誤會就由此產生了。您和我可能都有這共通之處﹕在您我身邊﹐“有職在身”要處理事情的人其實都是關心我們的。只不過除了“在私”對我們有關心﹐他們覺得“在公”﹐他們對教會﹐機構﹐組織...要有“交代”。我們可能不認同他們處事的“手法”﹐但我相信他們絕對是無心傷害我們的。朋友﹐算了吧。不要再把這些事放在心裡。釋放他們﹐也釋放自己吧。

其實﹐昨天人家對我們說了甚麼話﹐已不再重要。今天﹐人家怎樣講我們﹐也不重要。唯一重要的﹐是明天﹐您和我怎樣走面前的路...

朋友﹐黑夜終於都會過去。黎明﹐很快就到。不要放棄...hang on....

給自己一些時間和空間去休息﹐療傷。如果暫時不想返教會﹐不要強迫自己。您已經很久沒有好好的為自己著想了。您以前總是把教會﹐把他人放在第一位。今日﹐是時候好好的照顧自己了。當給自己放假吧。但休息過後﹐記得要再上路啊!

答應我。不要做任何傷害自己的事。千萬不要。我自己有想過。我知道您一定也有。相信我﹐您和我的戲﹐最精彩的劇情還未上演。那裡會有人這麼笨﹐付錢看戲﹐未到高潮就離座回家﹖您這麼聰明﹐您一定會明白這道理...

最近時常想起“真阿Lam"的一首舊歌。下面把歌詞寫下與您分享互勉。記住﹐我們都是同路人。少了您﹐這條路就會變得更孤單。咬緊牙關﹐提起精神﹐前面還有很多事情等著我們去做呢!

保重!

您的朋友﹐
阿Lam

莫再悲

莫再悲﹐莫再傷。遇到悲哀休誇張。誰亦要經風與浪﹐誰遇挫敗不受傷﹖
逝去的﹐莫再想。路正崎嶇更漫長。何用嘆息風裡望﹖寶貴光陰笑著量。
愁和哀﹐風與霜﹐不會天天都探訪。用幻想與夢想﹐編織那遠大理想。
斜陽好﹐花正香﹐跟那寂寞和著唱。歌聲一句句跳越屏障赴远方!
默默的分享﹐默默的欣賞﹐路上一切美丽况!
人生总会碰着悲哀苦恼为何流泪看?
幸运不希罕热泪不轻淌愿做真正既硬汉
何必口說快樂心中一個樣﹖

重新開始...

2007-12-31T18:15:00.000-08:00

8 個月。我最後一個post是在2007年5月1日。當時答應過大家﹐當我處理好一些個人的事情之後就會回來在這個blog再次和大家分享自己的心聲。今日是2007年12月31日。足足八個月了...

8 個月。這段日子﹐發生了很多﹐很多事情。今日的我﹐已經不再是八個月前的我。工作上﹐我今天不再是牧師﹐不會再在神學院任教﹐也辭去了我在不同機構所有的領導職責。家庭上﹐面對很大的困難和挑戰。精神﹐健康上﹐也經歷了半年的掙扎。個人信仰上﹐已經有一段日子沒有返教會。2007年12月23日早上﹐當每間教會普天同慶地舉行聖誕崇拜時﹐我竟然17年來第一次沒有參加任何聖誕聚會。自己一個人坐在McDonald's喝"悶咖啡"。當時的感覺是好孤單﹐好唏噓﹐真的好唏噓...

8 個月。我面對了一生最大的挫折。失去了17年來建立的‘事業’。放棄了一切。痛過。哭過。傷過。憤怒過。但今天的我﹐卻感到自己真的是成熟了。“大個仔”了。經過淚水的洗滌﹐眼睛也雪亮了。今天我看到的事不再是以前單單的“黑”和“白”。今天我所看到的人﹐不再是以前單單的“好”和“壞”。今天我看自己﹐已不再是見到17年來刻意塑造的“形象”。事情發生以後﹐謠言很快便傳了出去。聽到一些難聽的話。也知道自己聽不到的有更多﹐更難聽的。但這些都不再重要。今天我明白了每件事情﹐每一個人的背後都有一個鮮為人知的故事。今天﹐我真的不知道自己的故事下一頁將會怎樣寫。但在今晚﹐2007年的最後一個晚上﹐心中起了一種已很久沒有感受過的波動。心中浮現了4個字﹕“我不甘心...”

我不甘心我的生命從此只會成為在教會圈子中的“負面教材”﹕“讓我們小心﹐不要像Alfred一樣..."

我不甘心我的生命從此變成了一個沒有信息的生命。我曾經說過﹐生命的價值在乎你和我帶給世間的信息...信息﹐不一定是在教會講台上發表的。雖然從今以後我不會再在教會中“講道”﹐但我相信﹐我需要相信我的生命仍然是可為人帶來有價值的信息...

我不甘心﹐所以我要再站起來。我要再上路﹐再開始。

因為種種的原因﹐毅然決定了徹底離開基督教的圈子。也決定了在教會4面牆以外再重新尋找一個真正屬於自己的信仰生命。做了17年fish out of water﹐覺得是時候自己找尋一個屬於自己的地方。在1月﹐我將會在一個無宗教背景的社區服務機構開始一份新的工作。收入雖然大不如前﹐也再不會有人“林牧師前﹐林牧師後”的尊敬待遇。但心中卻有一份無名的興奮...我希望這新的工作是一個新的開始﹐給我一個新的機會﹐把一個新的信息帶出來。

在未來的一年﹐我希望能夠用這blog和大家分享自己在這段時間對信仰﹐對生命﹐對教會的一些反思。我絕對不是要利用這地方來對任何人發出任何攻擊或批評。也因為這樣﹐我以後所發表的entries是需要經過小心的思量﹐避免自己的emotions使我說出一些傷害人的話。所以大家請給我一點耐性...可能要隔一個星期﹐甚至更長的時間才會見到一個entry。但無論如何﹐希望我所寫的能夠對大家有幫助。

好了。我也要去準備countdown了。在此預祝大家一句﹕Happy New Year!

為甚麼不見Alfred寫blog?

2007-05-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

最近有不少朋友問我以上的問題...真的很抱歉﹐雖然是忙﹐但也不能算是籍口。其實在這段日子發生了很多事情﹐令我真的沒有太多心情寫東西。但請大家忍耐多一點﹐我會很快再和大家分享我的生路歷程。stay tuned...

My Theme Song :-)

2007-03-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have always been a BIG fan of Billy Joel who is coming to Toronto in April!!!! Too bad I can't go :-( :-( ...here is one of his songs that sums up pretty well where I am in my faith journey. Thought I'd post it and share it with y'all...

River of Dreams

In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith, to the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something, something sacred I lost
But the river is wide and it's too hard to cross

even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear, to a river so deep
I've been searching for something taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose, something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for

In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt, to the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something, something so undefined
That it can only be seen by the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

Not sure about a life after this,
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land

In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of the truth, to the river so deep
We all end in the ocean, we all start in the streams
We're all carried along by the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

我又回來了!

2007-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

很久沒有post了﹐原因是在過去幾個星期忙得天昏地暗。其中有一個星期爸爸更生病入了醫院。感謝天父﹐他在星期日已出院了。

上星期每日不斷來回醫院﹐加上其它繁忙的工作﹐到星期日講完兩堂道之後已經“散”了。到星期一day off﹐在家正想休息一下的時候﹐電話響了。有一位老人家跌傷﹐入了emergency﹐於是又約了一位姊妹一同去醫院探望他。後來送了那位姊妹回家後﹐剛好有一群小朋友放學﹐在我車後面走過。當我在driveway等他們走過後開車時﹐見到那位姊妹匆匆忙忙地從屋內跑出來。“牧師! 牧師! 還好你還未開車﹐我弄了一些蘿蔔糕給你和師母! ” 當晚我累得連晚飯也沒有吃﹐就是吃了那些蘿蔔糕然後就睡了。

第二天那位姊妹打電話到office給我﹐告訴我那位老人家已經出院了。然後她說﹕“牧師﹐說出來真的很奇妙。作天我入屋後好像有把聲音提醒我要把蘿蔔糕給你﹐但我想‘啊!但牧師已開車走了。’但我從窗外看到原來有一班小朋友走過﹐令你要在driveway等多一會才開車。於是我便匆匆的拿了蘿蔔糕給你。我覺得整件事好像是神安排﹐要我把這蘿蔔糕給你﹐告訴你神是知道你的勞苦﹐和讓你知道祂欣賞你的付出。”

我每次想起她的說話﹐眼淚都差不多忍不住流下來。想起以利亞先知在列王紀上第十九章逃命。他當時心灰意冷﹐跑到筋疲力盡時躺下睡著了。神也是為他預備了餅﹕(雖然我不敢說以利亞所吃的是否蘿蔔糕...)

"有一個天使拍他﹐說﹕‘起來吃吧! ' 他觀看﹐見頭旁有一瓶水和炭火燒的餅﹐他就吃了喝了﹐仍然躺下。耶和華的使者第二次拍他﹐說﹕起來吃吧! 因為你當走的路甚遠..."

祂知道。祂看見。祂欣賞。

送給我多位年輕的傳道人朋友們。

我只想做個好爸爸﹐好老公...

2007-02-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

今天晚上太太感到身體不適﹐於是我便挺身而出地說﹕“個女交給我吧﹐您儘管休息好了。”其實過去我經常都會負責幫女女洗澡﹐刷牙﹐洗面﹐安排她睡覺等指定動作﹐所以本來不應該是太麻煩的事。但可能因為女女今晚也有點不舒服﹐所以比平常cranky﹐結果在洗澡後不肯乖乖聽話換睡衣﹐開始“扭計”﹐給我“訓話”一番後便放聲大哭。結果弄醒了太太﹐準備過來“收拾殘局”。當我見到一方面女女在哭﹐另一方面太太要帶病起床照顧她的時候﹐我心中浮現出了一種我很多﹐很多年都沒有嘗過的感覺﹕失敗。

在工作﹐事奉上歷年來經歷過的灰心﹐挫折﹐困難不算少﹐但我今晚的感覺是不一樣的。好像...好像自己連最基本﹐最簡單的職責也擔任不到﹕我今晚只想做個好爸爸照顧女兒﹐做個好丈夫讓太太可以安心休息﹐但我偏偏辦不到。到頭來竟然還發太太和女女脾氣﹐要太太返房﹐自己堅持攪掂女女睡覺。太太還以為我在亂發脾氣﹐在無理取鬧。

最後太太和女女都終於睡了。我一個人坐在廳﹐明白到有時候神會用一些最簡單的事情來提醒我們如果沒有祂﹐我們就甚麼都不能作。想到這裡﹐不其然地感覺到自己需要祈禱﹕“神啊﹐求你幫助我﹐不要讓我成為一個失敗的丈夫和父親... ”

你平時做D乜架?

2007-02-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

十六年的傳道人生涯﹐以上的問題可算是FAQ#1 (最常被問的問題)。問的多數是平常比較少和教會接觸的朋友﹐但也曾經有基督徒問過我。(還好...touch wood...仲未被執事﹐同工問過 :-) )

每次被問的時候﹐或多或少在心中都會有些不太好的感覺 ("你意思即係話我係教會好得閒﹐無乜野做啦!?")於是在回答中就會搬出一大堆"野"﹐講到自己非常之忙﹐好似要證實自己份工的存在價值一樣...

最近平心靜氣的在思想自己的工作﹐發現其實在這問題背後有一個很值得我們當傳道人反醒的一點﹕人人都知道牧師﹐傳道人是在教會工作。但我們做的﹐我們忙的﹐是否就是為了“搞教會”﹖換句話說﹐我們是否為了要有教會而作教會工作﹖

再想﹐我所作的﹐究竟是否在這世界making a difference? 我最怕的﹐是變成了一個“宗教服務推銷員”。以前人喜歡尊稱傳道人為“神職人員”。既稱為“神職人員”﹐顧名思義﹐就是要擔任神在世上的工作。我們試想想﹐今天神在這世界要做的﹐是否就是建立一間一間宏偉漂亮的禮拜堂﹖我們作為牧師傳道人﹐我們的工作是否就是“辦教會”﹖

上一代的世界...

2007-01-30T18:15:00.000-08:00

上星期有機會參加教會一位姊妹爸爸的安息禮拜。我雖然認識那位姊妹﹐但卻沒有機會認識她爸爸。所以在安息禮拜中是第一次聽到他一生的故事。原來他因為在戰亂中長大﹐自小生活清苦。年輕時單人匹馬從大陸到香港當學徒﹐為了養家和供養弟弟妹妹讀書。

他當時只有十二歲。

我想到我教會現在是十二歲的“小朋友”﹐根本沒有可能想象他們一個人離鄉別井﹐擔起養家的責任。(在加拿大﹐十二歲以下的小朋友連自己一個人留在家也不可) 想到這裡﹐發現我們現在這一代真的是活在不同的世界當中...沒有需要真的捱苦﹐也可能是這原故﹐鍛煉不出剛強的人格。

再想﹐我們當年青人工作的﹐會否對他們過份的保護﹖剛強的生命﹐是不可能永遠在“受保護環境”中培養出來...真正的信仰﹐又可否在溫室中培植﹖

I'm Back!! 我回來了!!

2007-01-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

大家好!!嘩...原來差不多三個星期沒有post...無法啦﹐新年時間教會真是很忙。好開心終於有機會寫下野同大家分享...

作天教會忙得喘不過氣﹕講兩堂道﹐晚上有領袖異象分享會﹐足足花了整個下午來準備。分享會完了後立即趕去機場送機(教會一對年青夫婦搬往澳洲深造)。本來經過忙碌的星期日﹐通常我在星期一day off時都會盡量take it easy。但今天不可以﹐因為我答應了當義工﹐送一位患上了愛滋病的朋友去他的medical appointment。

通常我們當義工司機的﹐收到通告時都不知所接送的是甚麼人。當我今天去到這位朋友的住宅時﹐才發現他是一位老人家。他不懂得英語﹐在來回的車程中不能和我溝通。我嘗試和他說話他也沒有甚麼反應。但當我送他回家時﹐他抓住我的手﹐給了我一個點頭微笑。好像有很多話想跟我說﹐但又無法跟我用言語溝通。我也只有握緊他的手﹐跟他說﹕"It's okay...you take care, get some rest..." 那一刻的感覺﹐是名乎其實的“盡在不言中”...

開車回家時打開收音機﹐聽到新聞說有英國心理專家根據天氣﹐經濟﹐及其他因素而推斷今日應該是2007年最不開心的一日。奇怪﹐我完全沒有這感覺...

一個誤會帶來的教訓

2007-01-03T19:40:00.000-08:00

人生有時真是很諷刺。我剛剛post了一個entry話自己經看通看透了﹐已經不再在乎別人怎樣看自己﹐又話到已經不再在乎事的得失和人的去留...寫到自己非常清高...差不多有點“楚留香”feel ("塵沾不上胸襟﹐情牽不到此心中﹔來得安去也寫意﹔人生休說苦痛...聚散匆匆﹐莫牽掛﹔未記風波中英雄勇﹔就讓浮名﹐輕拋劍外﹐千山我獨行不必相送") (點解我仲會記得差不多三十年前的一段歌詞? 真係得人驚)

呢頭寫完﹐個頭跟一位好朋友談話時發現他原來對我的誠信和工作態度有很大的質疑﹐自己即時又墮進了谷底﹐耿耿于懷﹐不停地問自己“為甚麼他會對我有如此嚴重的誤會﹖”

再讀自己對上兩個post﹐再remind自己學會的功課﹐雖然心結慢慢解開了﹐但從此又學多了一個教訓﹕原來世上的楚留香不是太多...話是容易﹐但又有誰真的能做到這麼灑脫? 再次教訓自己﹕不要太輕易對人和事作下判斷...因為在誤會中往往都是有人受到傷害。

不再執著...

2007-01-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

今天大清早凌晨5點半一個人跑到機場送一對年輕夫婦機。在平常情況之下﹐阿Lam是不會這麼““神心”﹐在放假的一天﹐“天未光”時就走去送機的。但今次有點不同﹐因為送的是一位我在教會多年“由細睇到大”的年青人。由一個頗為孤僻的小朋友﹐看著他信主﹐為他施洗﹐幫他證婚。見到他大學畢業﹐事業有成﹐在教會中成為領袖﹐見到神慢慢的﹐一點一滴地雕塑他的生命。我就好像在旁默默地作一個見證人一樣。

結婚後﹐他們兩夫婦有一個夢想﹐就是能夠回到亞洲事奉神。在一個神奇妙的安排之下﹐他碰到一個很好的事業發展機會﹐需要他們搬到台灣居住。於是他們放下了這邊安穩的生活﹐去台灣展開他們生命的新一頁。

很奇怪。在過去當有這種事情發生的時候﹐我第一個反應通常都是想到教會又少了一個得力幫手﹐他們在教會工作上留下的空缺怎樣填補﹐自己又少了一位好朋友在身邊﹐等等的想法。但當我今早一個人到機場時﹐竟然完全沒有任何依依難捨的感覺。心中只有為他們興奮。在告別時也沒有甚麼“山盟海誓”﹐“淚灑機場”的感人場面。在他們“入閘”時也只講了一句簡單但衷心的"God Bless!"﹐然後就離開了。

可能因為人慢慢長大了﹐明白到原來生命的目的並不在乎把所有自己喜歡的人和事留在身邊。知道自己曾經成為他人的祝福﹐無論最後他們是否留在身邊都不再是最重要...

回到家中﹐跟我的女女玩。見到她把所有的玩具堆在自己身旁﹐然後很有滿足感的對我說﹕"Mine!!"...再一次讓我明白﹐原來懂得不再“執著”﹐是人成長過程中的一個重要的里程碑。

It's all worth it...

2006-12-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

今天是教會的聖誕超級大型聯合崇拜。正如往年一樣﹐我們做教牧的簡直是忙到透不過氣來。浸禮﹐講道﹐嬰孩奉獻...整個早上跟本是“一舊雲”(英文所謂 it's all a blur)。

當崇拜完了以後﹐當我還是“雲遊四海”之際﹐有一位先生上前﹐流著眼淚地hug著我。我從雲中縮番個頭出來才看見原來他是今早受浸的其中一位年青人的爸爸。他差不多哭不成聲的跟我說了一句話﹕"Thank you, thank you so much"

引用劉德華在瘦身男女中講過的三個字﹕“值得的!”

想通了...我﹐就係我。

2006-12-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

今天晚上跟一班好朋友吃晚飯﹐在回家途中太太忽然跟我說﹕“我覺得你今年聖誕節好像開心了很多...”

有一件事我很少跟人分享﹐就是在過往很多﹐很多年﹐每年聖誕節自己都會經過一段很失落﹐很depressed 的時間。試過最近有一年忙完了聖誕節聯合崇拜後﹐第二天趁著day off 去mall 作點last minute shopping。自己一個人坐在food court﹐眼淚竟然不受控制的掉下來。不斷問自己﹐“我為甚麼一個人坐在這裡流淚﹖”想不到答案﹐但眼淚卻沒法停止的一滴一滴掉下來...

聽到太太這句話﹐不其然的去比較一下今年跟往年的分別...發現可能最大的分別是在我自己的心態上。自從我在2003年由新加坡回來後(2003年是我的Sabbatical﹐我在新加坡神學院教了六個月書)﹐自己開始了一段漫長的信仰反思及重整過程。在這段過程中﹐發現了在十六年傳道人的生涯中一方面得著了很多﹐但卻失去了自己﹕自己個人價值和教會的成敗分不開﹐自己在每件事上的個人看法和“基督教的官方立場”也分不開﹐自己對工作的評估和他人對自己的意見也分不開。經過這麼多年﹐才明白了這是一種非常痛苦的生活方式。

可能就是因為這樣而太太覺得我今年聖誕開心了﹐因為我終於明白了爸爸媽媽從小教導我的道理﹕凡作任何事都要盡力。只要盡了力﹐作了自己知道應該作的﹐其他一切都不再重要。今年真的好像想通了這道理﹕教會的成敗﹐工作上的得失﹐人數的多少﹐其他人的讚賞或批評﹐都不再是最重要。最重要的是我知道自己是誰﹐知道我最終要向神交賬﹐知道自己盡了力﹐就足夠了。

可能也是因為這樣﹐發現自己不再怕給別人認識真的我...

我是Alfred。我是一個丈夫﹐兒子﹐爸爸。
我是一個基督徒。
我對信仰﹐是懷疑多過肯定。我有的是問題多過答案。
我愛我的教會。
我絕對不是一個很“屬靈”的人。
我不能忍受在基督徒中見到驕傲﹐自大﹐自以為是。
我熱愛音樂。但我往往喜歡聽流行音樂多過聖詩。
我相信我活在世上的目的是要成為他人的祝福。
我不會要求所有人都“喜歡”或“認同”自己﹐但
我也不會要求自己去“喜歡”或“認同”所有人。

hm...原來太太真是永遠是對的 :-) ﹐今年我真是比往年開心了...因為我找到了自己。

Some things just don't change

2006-12-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

作天晚上回到教會﹐聞到陣陣香味從廚房飄出來。原來是我們教會一班英文堂的大學生每星期五晚團契之前的指定動作-一同煮飯﹐吃飯﹐洗碗﹐然後開始團契。好像二﹐三十年前很多華人教會的留學生團契的習慣。因為當時大部份的留學生都不是有錢﹐不能夠 afford 常常上餐館吃飯﹐所以在教會中“吃飯+團契”(又簡稱“飯團”)就成了我們北美教會留學生文化的一部份

時到今日﹐在北美“留學生/苦學生”已經差不多是“絕了種”的動物。年青人一般消費能力高了﹐“飯團”已被“卡啦OK團”﹐“出去飲杯野團”取替。所以現在作導師的經費都不簡單。陪班年青人出去“飲杯野”分分鐘貴過“食餐飯”。可能教會下一步要為青年團契導師設立expense account 了:)

令我頗為出奇的是﹐這一班土生土長的年青人竟然會“復古”﹐攪起“團契私房菜”一問之下﹐先知道原來不是導師的主意﹐而是他們覺得大家渴望有更多fellowship的時間﹐而又明白團契中有些學生是靠自己攻自己讀書﹐不能afford每星期eat out﹐所以便決定每星期大家一同買菜煮飯。

當我從廚房跑出來時﹐一方面為了我們這班年青人感恩﹐也同時再一次被提醒我們的信仰是一個紮根於community的信仰...沒有“我們”的成長﹐就沒有“我”的成長。大家珍惜的不是所吃的一餐飯﹐而是看重能一同吃飯的機會和一起分甘同味的一份感覺。這需要﹐原來是不會隨時間和潮流而消逝的。

新玩意 :-)

2006-12-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

最近為了能影多D女女的靚相﹐忍痛買了部新相機。我對攝影可說是一無所知﹐但開始幫女女影相後﹐對這玩意產生了一點點的興趣...發現自己一雙眼睛開始留意到原來身邊平常有很多很普通﹐但很美的東西。一瓶很便宜的紅酒﹐兩個很普通的酒杯﹐兩枝小小的蠟燭...都是在家隨處放的東西﹐但放在一起原來可以很美! Hmm...神的工作往往不是這樣嗎﹖

攝影可以capture了我們看到的“美”來跟他人分享...也透過這過程鼓勵他人留意到他們身邊的 "beauty"。可能最近看到的東西都是比較負面一點...我要訓練自己的眼睛去看到正面的﹐美麗的事情。讓我的生命可成為一部好的相機﹐幫助他人看到神每天在我們身邊彰顯的美善...

好了...現在讓我去 figure out 怎樣不再用相機的 full auto mode (即俗語所謂‘傻瓜機’mode)...去學人攪下野先!

“收爐﹗”:-)

2006-11-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

上星期六晚上參加了某教會在一間卡啦OK lounge 舉行的 Coffee House, 在當中唱歌和分享信息。多謝大家的祈禱﹐小弟病了整整一個月﹐但總算復原到一個地步能夠“有聲出”:-)。當晚氣氛非常好﹐有很多新朋友出席。跟大家在有唱有講之中開開心心過了一個晚上。感謝神!

當晚也是我今年接了的公開講道/領會的“最後一場”:-) 很開心可以休息一下和專心準備聖誕節的來臨。但當我回顧今年的工作時﹐令我非常感恩的是能夠接觸到不同教會﹐不同城市的弟兄姊妹。無論是音樂會﹐Coffee House﹐佈道會﹐Conference...都見到他(她)們盡心盡力的做﹐將最好的獻給神。能夠有機會和他們同工﹐在我來說是一個十分 humbling 的 experience。透過他們﹐神教了我很多寶貴的功課。

謝謝大家的禱告! 讓我們休息﹐add oil﹐明年再一起上路!

跟大家分享一句貼在我office電腦上面﹐每天提醒我自己的一句話﹕“與其詛咒黑暗﹐不如燃燒自己”

見工的遭遇...

2006-11-26T05:03:00.000-08:00

最近發現了一個一方面應該很明顯﹐但又很少留意到的事實﹕我的工作差不多100%都是在基督徒圈子中的﹕牧養教會﹐在神學院教書﹐在福音機構當董事﹐等等...反問自己﹐如果我真的相信自己的calling是要被神使用﹐將基督的愛帶到教會圈子以外的世界﹐那我似乎需要更刻意的從自己最熟悉的圈子中跳出來。“你要離開本地﹐本族...往我所要指示你的地方去...要叫別人得福”(創12:1-2)

於是在計劃明年工作時﹐毅然推掉了參與兩個福音機構事奉的邀請﹐而去到一個非宗教性質的社會機構報名當義工。這機構所服侍的對象就是患了愛滋病的人。當中包括同性戀人士和打針吸毒的人。在報名時我告訴他們我只希望能出一分力幫忙﹐無論是接送病人看醫生﹐送餐﹐等等﹐都不再乎。

上星期接到電話通知我去“見工”。坐下寒喧幾句之後﹐負責人跟我說﹕“Alfred﹐恕我直言﹐當選擇義工時﹐通常我們都不太願意考慮基督徒的申請...因為我們服侍的人群有很多都曾經經歷過被基督徒歧視﹐被教會的傷害..."

當我聽到這話的時候﹐一方面不覺得意外﹐另一方面感到心傷。昔日最能夠感受到耶穌的接納的人﹐到了今天竟然要避開我們...

經過面試後﹐他們願意“試用”我...我明白對他們來說﹐這是一個嘗試。我只希望我不會辜負他們的信任﹐能將一份單純的關懷﹐無條件的﹐無歧視地帶到一群有需要的人當中。請為我祈禱吧...

為甚麼﹖

2006-11-21T22:17:00.000-08:00

為甚麼信仰不可有懷疑的空間﹖
為甚麼我們要堅持在所有事情上只可以有一個“基督徒的立場”和“基督徒的回應”﹖
為甚麼我們基督徒要堅持我們對一切信仰﹐神學﹐道德倫理的問題都已經figure out了肯定的答案﹖為甚麼我們不能容許人去問﹕“假若我們真的是錯了...”
為甚麼我們堅持要把自己放在神的位置﹕去judge, 去論斷: 誰對誰錯﹐誰上天堂誰下地獄﹐誰是在“我們的一邊”﹐ 跟誰要“劃清界線”﹖
為甚麼我們既稱自己為基督徒﹐但做不到耶穌對人的接納﹐寬恕﹐包容﹖
為甚麼我們往往只顧及有多少人在教會之內﹐但對教會以外充滿破碎的世界可以無動于衷﹖
為甚麼我們只會問人“假若你今天死了﹐你知道你會上天堂嗎﹖”而不會問“假若神給你活多十年二十年﹐三十年﹐你會想神怎樣用你的生命去使這世界更美好﹖”
為甚麼作了十六年傳道人的我﹐在教會的圈子中反而感覺到越來越孤單﹖