A PERFECT day at Niagara Falls

Yesterday we took our little girl to spend a day at Niagara Falls. She's never been to the Falls, and I was eager to photograph it for myself. So, we decided to go with a good friend who is also a photographer and make a day of it.


The plan was that we would go take a walk around the Falls, take some pictures, and then head over to Buffalo to a place where supposedly the famous Buffalo style wings were born.

After getting through the line-up at the border, we were there! Anchor Bar, the home of the original Buffalo Chicken Wings! The place was in a part of town that was quite rundown, but the wings were great! So, after refueling with 50 or so Buffalo wings, we went to a local outlet mall to walk around, before heading back to Canada to take some shots of the Falls at night, with all the colors.



To our UTTER dismay, we discovered that the nightly fireworks in the Summer do not go on Saturday nights!! So, we had to settle for the color spot lights. After taking a few shots, we headed back home. It was 1am by the time we sat down in Scarborough for dinner. We were tired, but all thought it was a wonderful day.



To see more pics from our day, visit my picasa album at: http://picasaweb.google.com/alfred.lam/TripToNiagaraFalls

Coming out of the fetal position

I walked by my daughter's room just now and saw her sleeping in her favorite fetal position: head and knees tucked into her chest and a couple of fingers in her mouth. When my daughter is sleeping like that, she is in her 'happy place'.

Medical text books tell us that the body goes into such a position to protect itself, to minimize further injuries to vital organs. It is an instinctive reaction when the body undergoes extreme stress or trauma. It is a position of self-preservation.

As I watched my little girl sleeps that way, I realized that's how I have been living recently.

You see, I have learned that pain turns your focus inwards until you are literally and figuratively "wrapped up" with yourself.

The ironic thing was that as I retreated deeper and deeper into self-protection mode, as I wrapped my arms tighter and tigher around myself, what I was doing was squeezing the toxin that was poisoning me closer and closer to my heart, until I literally became suicidal.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, I realized the Gospel has an answer, a piece of "good news" for those in pain...

For the first time in my Christian journey, I saw Jesus' life in a different light: In Jesus I saw a brutal honesty that acknowledged pain without the need to mask it, hide it, deny it, or even explain it. He screamed. He cried. He burned with anger.

But, and here is the "good news": instead of curling up in the instinctive "fetal position", Jesus literally did the opposite. He opened his arms, stretched out his legs, and died for the sins of the world.

Perhaps to you, this is no big deal. Perhaps this is all children sunday school material to some of you.

But for me, it is huge.

Because it says to me that even in the face of pain, there is something greater that I can embrace. My life can still have a greater purpose than simply "pain management". My life is meant for more than that.

I can be an instrument of blessing to others. I can be a voice of comfort for those in pain. My story can encourage those who have stumbled and failed. I can be an advocate for those who need a second chance. I can help bring change to how the Christian community looks at those who have failed. Yes, it hurts. Yes, I am in pain. Yes, sometimes it rips me apart. But the good news in Jesus' story says I don't have to wrap myself around it. I don't have to embrace it. My life can be better than that.

For me, that is "good news" indeed.

Those of you who read this blog, I ask for your help:

Help me to come out of my 'fetal position':

Help me to "unclutch" my hands, and "let go" of what others have said and done to me in the past.

Help me to lift up my head so I can see further than my own pain.

Help me to unfold my legs, so I can stand up and walk again.

Help me to open my arms, and welcome the next page in my story...

What have I done??

I just wrote a difficult email.

Last year, partly because I thought it will be a good "emotional break" and partly because it may be a good career transition move, I applied to go to teachers' college. I was quite pleasantly surprised when I was accepted for this September.

Meanwhile I had taken up my current position of leading a non-profit community service organization. At the beginning, I looked at it as a one year experiment to see if this field interests me. During this time, the organization suddenly fell into crisis mode and I had to learn to rebuild a new funding base, develop a new menu of programs and basically re-invent a 35 year-old organization. A task that I felt very unqualified for but was grateful for the unique learning opportunity. There is nothing like a baptism by fire!

As the summer came to a close, I was dreading the decision that I must make: Should I leave and go back to school? Or should I stay on my job and forfeit my offer of admission?

After many sleepless nights and pondering back and forth, I felt that my presence and leadership is needed here at my job, and decided to shelf the idea of going back to school, at least for now.

That was the difficult email that I just wrote and sent.

Right after I hit "send", it hit me that this has happened before...and I felt a chill down my spine.

A couple of years ago when I knew I was emotionally burnt out as a minister, an opportunity presented itself for me to do something else and "get out". I went through the same process: the sleepless nights, the pros and cons, back-and-forth's, and finally decided to stay because the church needed "my leadership and presence".

The rest, as they say, was history...

Oh my god, what have I just done? Did I just repeat my mistake?

New look!

Welcome to the new look of my blog :) I thought I'd start with some new colors, but stay tuned...more changes are to come! Hope you like it :)

Dust and Ashes

Dust and Ashes.

Dust is what you end up with when things are crushed.

Ashes are what you are left with after things are burnt.

There is no better place to learn about life than when you are sitting "in dust and ashes".

For the dust and ashes are life's way of teaching you to ask and answer that single most important question: "What is real?"

I have learned in life, you can put your faith, pin your hopes, pour your love into something, but that alone does not make it real.

When life reduces your faith, hope and love into dirt and ashes, what do you do?


You look for a better faith.

You look for a surer hope.

You look for a truer love.

You get up.

You shake the dust off your feet.

You rise from the ashes.

And you try again...

Older....and wiser :-)

It was my birthday on Saturday (yay!) and we had a wonderful day! We went out for breakfast and had some REAL eggs benedict (unlike the ones our friend Norm had in New York :-P ). We then took our little girl fishing for the first time :) In the evening we had a few close friends come for dinner where we ate the fish our daughter caught (with some help from her Daddy :)


As in all my previous birthdays, I can say that I am another year older (dah!) but this year, unlike other birthdays gone by, I can also say with certainty that I am another year "wiser". In fact, I probably learned more this year that in all my previous years combined. Pain, afterall, is a great teacher.


After everyone had left and my wife and little girl had gone to bed, I was sitting in the living room with a beer, just "savoring" the day that had gone. My ipod was playing a song that seemed to be speaking to me. It's a song called "See the World" by Gomez (a GREAT tune from the House, MD soundtrack):

See the World

Day to day, where do you want to be?
Cuz now you're trying to pick a fight with everyone you see
You seem like a soldier
who's lost his composure
You're wounded and play a waiting game
in No-Man's-Land no one's to blame

(Chorus)
See the world,
Find an old fashion girl
And when all's been said and done
The things that are given, not won, are the things that you want

Empty-handed, surrounded by a senseless scene
With nothing of significance besides the shadow of a dream
You sound like an old joke
You're worn out, and brok-en
Asking me time and time again
And the answer's still the same (to Chorus)

You have a chance to put things right, so how's it gonna be?
Lay down your arms now
And put us beyond doubt.
So reach out it's not too far away
Don't mess around now, don't delay

I don't know if it was the day, the song, or the beer (probably the beer). But I found myself having a quiet "Okay...now what?" moment. Having "won it all" and then "lost it all", I have learned to appreciate the line in the chorus that says "The things that are given, not won, are the things that you want."...

So, on the night that I became another year "older", I took stock of what I have been "given", and decided on a "wiser" way of living the rest of my "new" life...

I have been given grace. I will live to extend grace even to those who have injured me.

I have been given forgiveness. If it takes the rest of my life to do it, I will strive to forgive those who have hurt me.

I have been given a story and a message. I will live my life to tell it.

I have been given incredible gifts of communication. I will use them to communicate what I have learned to others: Through writing, through speaking, through music.

Here's to living with what I have been given, rather than living for what I want to win.

Wanted...your stories/wisdom/input

About 15 years ago I was camping with a group of high school students. One morning before dawn one of them woke me and took me fishing. I stood on a rock in complete darkness, tossed my line out into the water (which I could not see) and waited. I remembered as I was casting the line out into "nothingness", I thought to myself, "I wonder what's out there..."

That's exactly how I am feeling as I am writing this...

One of the ways that I have coped with difficult times in the past is by writing. Physically seeing thoughts turn into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs have always helped me process my thoughts and sort out what's going on inside of me. The other day as I was struggling through another bout of depression/despair, the thought occured to me, clear as a bell: "I need to write".

So, I am embarking on a writing project. In the last 2 years or so, going through depression and emotional pain has rewritten literally every page in my "belief system". One question that haunted me during this time was why after being a Christian for close to 25 years, my faith seemed so "useless" in helping me in my pain. I believe, at least in part, it's because in North American Evangelicalism, we have built a "system of faith" that does not take pain seriously. All of Scripture was written in a context of pain. Yet so often we read and intepret the Bible without taking that context seriously.

In the last 10 months, I have felt "casted out" by some of my closest "friends" in the Christian community. And yet in a strange way, pain has given me a sense of connection with the Biblical narrative. I want to write about my own journey in these last couple of years, and how pain has taught me a new way of seeing, thinking, and understanding my faith. For most people, their faith helps them to understand their pain. For me, my pain has helped me to understand my faith better.

Here is my "cast into the darkness": If you have a story from your own life on how pain has helped you see or understand your faith differently, I'd love to hear it and perhaps include it in the book. I am hoping that the sharing of our stories will spark new ideas and new thinking. Ultimately, I hope the final product will be something that will help the Church to become a kinder, more accepting, less judgemental place. In other words, I hope this project will be woven into the "grand narrative" of the church's journey towards Christ-likeness.

So, please offer me your stories, words of wisdom, advice, input, encouragement, etc. Post a comment, or if you wish, send me an email (alfred.lam@gmail.com). Looking forward to hearing from you!

On Brett Favre

They say that pain brings people together. I used to think that's just a nice way of rephrasing the good ol' cliche: "misery loves company". But I have learned that my pain has given me two important "gifts": First, being in pain has helped me understand a little better the pain of others. Secondly, being in pain has given me a sense of "commaraderie" with others who are in pain, thus teaching me that we are more alike than we are different.

Take this whole Brett Favre thing for example...

For those who are not familiar with the story, Brett Favre was the super star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers who retired at the end of last season. Since then he has decided to "unretire" only to discover that his old team has decided to move on with a new younger quarterback. After spending practically his entire career (16 years) with this one team, Favre felt he deserved to either be welcomed back or be allowed to leave and play for someone else. The team looked at the situation differently. The whole situation grew into a soap opera that hopefully will be resolved soon. Now, on one level, obviously Brett Favre and I share very little in common:

He can throw a football 50 yards. I can hardly run 50 yards.

He gets paid millions to play football. I can only dream of winning millions playing the lottery.

He is charming and good looking, especially for a man a little older.

Well...

I guess we do share something in common. :)

But what caught my eye when I was reading up on the story last week was what Favre's old coach said after meeting and talking with him for 6 hours. It was reported:

"Packers coach Mike McCarthy said Tuesday evening that after approximately six hours of what he called 'brutally honest' conversations with Favre...Favre couldn't seem to get past emotional wounds that were opened..."

For some reason, that last sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Last year, I would have been just like millions of sports fans and conclude that Favre is just another one of those super star, super rich, super spoiled professional athelete who is acting like a cry baby. I would have joined the "chorus of boos" and said "Whatever...just let it go already!"

But now, when I read what the Packers coach said about Favre's situation, about him not being able to get past his "emotional wounds", somehow, I felt a strange...connection.

Favre has played for Green Bay for approximately the same number of years I have given to my church. Him: 16 years. Me: 17.

I understand what it feels like when that relationship turns sour when you thought you can count on it.

I understand that sometimes, emotional wounds can run so deep, that it's almost inconceivable where or how or when healing can ever take place.

I can understand why everyone else wonders why I cannot just "get past" it or "move on" or "let it go"....because I have wondered about the same thing.

The Old Chinese saying goes: "Until the needle pricks your own flesh, you don't know pain."

Now that I've been "pricked"...I know.

And now these three remain...

Life is a current.

Things move. Things change.

People come. People go.

If I look beneath the surface, underneath the moving waters, what will I see?

What rocks will I find at the bottom that do not move, do not change, do not come and go?

This is my quest.

For I have learned that all of life's important things are not found floating on top, but anchored at the bottom. Like rocks.

"Where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away....And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." 1 Corinthians 13:8, 13

This is my quest.

Pain

"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart?"
- Psalm 13:2

3:59am.

Looks like another night without sleep.

The memories won't go away. The pain doesn't stop.

Questions. Haunting questions.

How can they do this?

Robbed.

Betrayed.

"For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me." - Psalm 38:17

"To crush underfoot, to deny a man his rights...would not the Lord see such things?" - Lamentations 3:34-36

"People have heard my groaning, but there is no one to comfort me" Lamentations 1:21

"Your wound is as deep as the sea. Who can heal you?" Lamentations 2:13

4:15am

Another night without sleep.

"Let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest."
Lamentations 2:18