Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight... U2 "Walk On"
I am tired.
Tired of being angry at those who will never know how much they have hurt me.
Tired of being bitter at an institution that will never change
Tired of waiting for answers that will never come.
I am tired. It's time to walk on...
I once gave a talk about life...I entitled it "What should I pack for the journey?" That's the question I must ask today...
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
I don't know where I am walking to...I don't know who will walk with me...I only know I need to keep walking...keep walking...Because that's the only way to keep me from looking back. The only way to keep anger and bitterness from catching up to me and erode my soul...
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
just walk on...
Today marked the last day of work for the retiring Executive Director of our organization. I have had the privilege of 'shadowing' her for the last 2 weeks, trying to learn everything about the job as her successor. She is one of the most kind hearted, good natured, capable and competent person I have ever met. I only regretted not having the opportunity to meet her sooner.
Anyways, the day was busy as she tried to wrap everything up before she goes, and leaving me with final instructions. As the clock winded down, the time finally came for her to leave. 10 years on the job, and it came down to the final moment. She simply handed her keys back, gave everyone a hug and some kind words and walked out with a glorious smile on her face. Talking to her these past couple of weeks, she had often talked about how much she is looking forward to the next chapter of her life. She wants to write, travel, volunteer and take on new challenges. What an admirable attitude!
As I watched her walked out with the late afternoon Sun on her face, I realized this is how life works. It doesn't matter how long you have been at one place: 5 years, 10 years, 20 years; there always come that moment when it's time to walk on...
After I walked her out, I went back to my desk and wept...I thought back to the day when I walked away after 17 years. As I did, all the anger and bitterness came flooding back like a tidal wave...and then I thought about our retiring Executive Director and her example. And I realize that's what I have to do. Just walk on. Keeping walking. Don't look back. Look! the afternoon Sun is beginning to set. It felt like it's been forever since the last time I saw the Sun. It's almost 5, which means I will see my little girl soon as I pick her up from school. I can't wait.
I've got to go. I have more important things waiting for me to do...
Anyways, the day was busy as she tried to wrap everything up before she goes, and leaving me with final instructions. As the clock winded down, the time finally came for her to leave. 10 years on the job, and it came down to the final moment. She simply handed her keys back, gave everyone a hug and some kind words and walked out with a glorious smile on her face. Talking to her these past couple of weeks, she had often talked about how much she is looking forward to the next chapter of her life. She wants to write, travel, volunteer and take on new challenges. What an admirable attitude!
As I watched her walked out with the late afternoon Sun on her face, I realized this is how life works. It doesn't matter how long you have been at one place: 5 years, 10 years, 20 years; there always come that moment when it's time to walk on...
After I walked her out, I went back to my desk and wept...I thought back to the day when I walked away after 17 years. As I did, all the anger and bitterness came flooding back like a tidal wave...and then I thought about our retiring Executive Director and her example. And I realize that's what I have to do. Just walk on. Keeping walking. Don't look back. Look! the afternoon Sun is beginning to set. It felt like it's been forever since the last time I saw the Sun. It's almost 5, which means I will see my little girl soon as I pick her up from school. I can't wait.
I've got to go. I have more important things waiting for me to do...
Monday, February 04, 2008
Reflections (5) A Better Faith?
One of the most loaded statements in the entire Bible is found in the Old Testament book of Habakkuk. I have always loved Habakkuk the man. He is one of those guys who won't take any BS from anybody. Not even from God Himself. He looked around, didn't like what God was doing, and demanded his day in court with Him. His eyes were telling him one thing. His faith was trying to tell him something else. It was in that context of eyes vs. faith, what you see vs. what you believe that God spoke these words to a pissed-off Habakkuk: "The righteous shall live by faith."
"Living by Faith", I have learned, is a dangerous business. An old English saying goes: "Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword." I have learned the same thing can be said about "Living by Faith". Few things in life is as painful as finding out that you have placed faith in the wrong place. When faith breaks, It doesn't snap into two. It doesn't crumble into a heap. Rather, it shatters. Those who have experienced a breaking of faith know that you don't just "pick up the pieces and move on." Rather, you sit there, and you pull out the shrapnel embedded in your soul, one at a time. It is a painstaking, excruciating process (think of Job, scraping his sores with a broken piece of pottery). It is a process that leaves you scarred, and changed forever. Eventually you move on: the pain dulls, the blood dries, the wound closes. But you are never the same. Part of you died.
For as long as I can remember, for as long as I have considered myself a "person of faith", I have placed my faith in a religious institution called the church. I embraced it, I poured my life and youth into it for almost 20 years. For me, believing in Jesus and believing in the church are the same thing. I have since learned that to be a deadly mistake.
I no longer attend church. I doubt I ever will again. My experience and the experiences of others close to me have shown me the hypocrisy that is so common in "institutional Christianity". I gave 18 years of my life, the most vibrant days of my youth to the church. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained..."
When faith shatters, you are left with two choices: You either give up on having faith in anything, or you get up, and start searching for a better faith. I chose the latter. I chose to believe again. I need to believe again. I need to believe that my life, with all its brokenness, can be woven into the grand story of redemption that God is writing for the world. I need to believe that God's goodness is inherent in the human spirit, and the world is a better place when we help each other to find that within ourselves. I need to believe that I am placed here to bring the presence of Jesus outside the four walls of the church. I need to believe that one day, one day, the anger in me will stop, the bitterness will subside, the raging storm will calm. I need to believe...
25 years ago I thought I had found faith as a high school student when I joined the church. 25 years later, I start looking again for faith....hopefully this time, I will find something "better"...
"Living by Faith", I have learned, is a dangerous business. An old English saying goes: "Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword." I have learned the same thing can be said about "Living by Faith". Few things in life is as painful as finding out that you have placed faith in the wrong place. When faith breaks, It doesn't snap into two. It doesn't crumble into a heap. Rather, it shatters. Those who have experienced a breaking of faith know that you don't just "pick up the pieces and move on." Rather, you sit there, and you pull out the shrapnel embedded in your soul, one at a time. It is a painstaking, excruciating process (think of Job, scraping his sores with a broken piece of pottery). It is a process that leaves you scarred, and changed forever. Eventually you move on: the pain dulls, the blood dries, the wound closes. But you are never the same. Part of you died.
For as long as I can remember, for as long as I have considered myself a "person of faith", I have placed my faith in a religious institution called the church. I embraced it, I poured my life and youth into it for almost 20 years. For me, believing in Jesus and believing in the church are the same thing. I have since learned that to be a deadly mistake.
I no longer attend church. I doubt I ever will again. My experience and the experiences of others close to me have shown me the hypocrisy that is so common in "institutional Christianity". I gave 18 years of my life, the most vibrant days of my youth to the church. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained..."
When faith shatters, you are left with two choices: You either give up on having faith in anything, or you get up, and start searching for a better faith. I chose the latter. I chose to believe again. I need to believe again. I need to believe that my life, with all its brokenness, can be woven into the grand story of redemption that God is writing for the world. I need to believe that God's goodness is inherent in the human spirit, and the world is a better place when we help each other to find that within ourselves. I need to believe that I am placed here to bring the presence of Jesus outside the four walls of the church. I need to believe that one day, one day, the anger in me will stop, the bitterness will subside, the raging storm will calm. I need to believe...
25 years ago I thought I had found faith as a high school student when I joined the church. 25 years later, I start looking again for faith....hopefully this time, I will find something "better"...
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