It wasn't till I was driving to the engagement that it hit me. I was surprised how "nervous" I felt on the way. It wasn't the speaking that made me nervous. It was more a sense of uncertainty of whether I still "belong" in that "world". Even as I pulled into the parking lot, in the back of my mind I was still looking for excuses to back out of the engagement ("hm...is that a headache that I feel coming on? May be I should cancel and not spread it to others...")
The workshop itself was okay. The staff went out of their way to make me feel welcomed and at home. When I asked the audience a question and there was silence, the staff took it upon themselves to respond to help me not feel awkward. A year ago I wouldn't have thought about any of this. But today, I have learned to recognize and appreciate acts of kindness, no matter how small.
3 hours later, the workshop was finished. I was exhausted; more emotionally than physically. As I made a quick exit and drove away, I learned a couple of things: First, I realized that my wounds from the betrayal and trampling I received from those whom I thought were my Christian community are still very open and fresh, and I still need to deal with it and seek healing. Second, I learned how every act of kindness makes a difference, and I need to be thankful for them. I am thankful for the staff of the organization. For every smile, every handshake, every pat on the shoulder. I am thankful for the people who left messages on my facebook to encourage me. The fact that they realized this is a 'big deal' for me and took time to leave me notes tells me that they are thinking of me. I am thankful to Anna who looked after Taylor in a mall for 3 hours while I spoke. As I said, a year ago, I would have taken everything for granted. Now, I have learned to treasure kindness.
When I got home I opened the thank you card they gave me. The old me wouldn't even bother reading them after speaking engagements. But this time it was different. I looked at the card, read every word, and instead of it going into my recycle bin, it now stands on my desk at home.
Call it a "milestone" on a long journey.
Tim, Joseph, Alex, Teresa, Nicole, Addie, Ceci, Harry, Anna...Thank you :-)
1 comment:
Hi Alfred, even though the audience did not respond, but it does not mean that they did not get it. What you have done to them is like planting seeds in a field. You don't know which seed will grow or not. And you may not able to see the harvest. But as long as you are doing you part when you have the opportunity, you are taking part in helping the next generation. Keep it up.
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