I'm still waiting...

Today I was invited to speak to a Seniors group about the importance of getting involved with the community. I encouraged them by telling them that apart from performing various tasks with different agencies, volunteering can also be a way that they can establish new friendships in the community and sharing their valuable life experiences. Many of the seniors live lonely and isolated lives and I tried to encourage them to never think they have nothing worth contributing.

I concluded my speech by sharing this photograph, which I called "Waiting". I shared with them that when I look at this photograph, the tree looks so lonely. It was as if he is standing alone, staring at the barrenness of winter, just standing there, waiting...but not even sure what he is waiting for. But then I told them to look closely at the tree, (you can't see it very well here). If you look closely, you will actually see that even though the tree looks lifeless and bare, on the branches there are actually small buds...quiet signs of new life.

After the talk, the lady who was in charge of the program came up to me and shared with me her own experiences and struggles in life. She thanked me for the words and the picture and said she was encouraged to "keep waiting". She wasn't even supposed to be there today, but had to cover for another colleague who had been transferred to another job. I couldn't help but think that perhaps she was "meant to be there". Even though she was not religious...perhaps Someone was looking out for her just the same...

At night, my wife shared with me a funeral service she attended during the day. The minister spoke from Psalm 23: "The Lord is my shepherd..." The first thing the minister said was "This psalm tells us that the Lord is our shepherd. But he is not everybody's shepherd. He is only shepherd to those who are Christians..."

sigh.

new thought on 'healing'...

Just came back from a wonderful lunch with my pastor (at Burger King, of all places!! More proof that it is the company rather than the food that makes the dining experience worthwhile :). During our time together I had one of those moments where I heard myself saying something and then thinking, "Damn!! That was good! Gotta write it down quick." So...here we are :)

My pastor asked me, "How is your healing process coming along?" I thought for a while and then I uttered the following profound statement: (Which, if I had lived 2,000 years ago, I am quite sure would've made it into the New Testament Canon :)

"I am slowly learning that healing happens not so much when you notice an absence of pain, but rather when you develop the perspective to see how the injury fits into the story that is your life, and then you learn to embrace that pain so that it's part of your story moving forward."

So...there you go. Another one for the "Alfred-ism" folder. :)

New Start Coming!!

October 25, 2006.


That was the date Ah-Lam's Diary was born. My very first blog entry.


Sitting down tonight and reading through my past entries and comments from others, it is amazing to to me how this blog had been a chronicle of my life's journey for the last 2.5 years. It 'documented' the absolute lowest moments of my life thus far, but even so, reading my old entries tonight have shown me a sense of direction in my life's narrative.


In an entry dated November 21 2006, I posted a list of questions that I was wrestling deeply with. I concluded with: "Why is it that after 16 years as a pastor, I feel more and more lonely and less and less at home in the church community?" The very next entry documented me turning down opportunities to serve in Christian organizations and ventured out to volunteer for the Aids Committee of Toronto. Little did I know at the time, that would prove to be the beginning of a major turning point in my life.


The following year, I was diagnosed with depression. I cannot describe the sense of absolute and utter darkness and hopelessness that became my everyday life. More than once I had seriously contemplated suicide. During that period of darkness I made a mistake that would change my life forever. In the aftermath, I left professional ministry, and the church community that I had devoted practically my entire adult life to serving.


At that time, I looked for friendship among those I trusted the most within the church, instead I found rejection and betrayal that to this day stab at my heart. I was casted off, and thus began my exile from the Christian community for over a year. In many ways, I was "wandering in the wilderness".

But as it is so often the case within the Biblical narrative, it is in the wilderness that one hears God's voice, and new life begins to germinate...

The point of this is not to rehash old wounds. Rather, through looking back now, I see a direction to my life that I haven't noticed as clearly before. From my increasing feeling of being a "stranger" within the institutional church, to my experience of speaking to secular audiences as part of my work now, to the project in Sichuan where I used music and the spoken word to encourage the students in an non-religious setting, I feel more and more certain that perhaps the purpose of my life is to use my gifts and abilites in word and music to bring encouragement to those outside of the religious circles. From speaking in a Mosque in North York to performing in a school in Sichuan, I have noticed a common need: people's hearts need to be ministered to.

In many ways, the trip to Sichuan was the "final push" for me. As such, in the very near future I will be taking another major step forward in this journey. I will be closing this blog, and migrating it over to a new personal website where I will continue to write with the intention of encouraging readers. Additionally, I will launch a new website that I hope will be a new written word platform for "marginalized" voices. I will also be looking to be active in the community doing concerts and speaking events, all with the simple intention of being an 'encouragement' to whomever I cross paths with. Stay tune for these exciting new beginnings, and for those of you who are the "praying types", please remember me.

So, in the very near future, we will say good-bye to "Ah-Lam". But at the same time, we will say hello to "Alfred", hopefully another step closer to whom I was made to be...

Sichuan Reflection: It's Always in the Little Things

Wow...I had promised to share about some of my experiences in Sichuan after given time to 'process' everything. I had no clue it would take me so long to 'make sense' of the whole experience and be able to write about it coherently. Rather than writing from the "big picture" perspective, I thought what may be helpful is for me to capture some of the small episodes that happened during the trip. I have often found that the most significant lessons are learned in the seemingly most insignificant moments...

It was our final day with the students in Sichuan. As scheduled, we would perform twice during the day to different groups of students, and in the evening there will be a final show in front of about 700 students and guests. After the first concert of the day, 2 students came up to me with a request. Since they were graduating, they really wanted to express their gratitude to their teachers and they asked if we can perform a song on their behalf that same night in the evening program. Right away two flags went up in my mind: First, the rundown for the evening program has been locked down and I knew it was a tight schedule. Second, for the song to have meaning, it really should come from the students rather than from us. I had wanted to politely say no, but something within me prompted: "Give this a chance, don't shoot it down..."

So I gave the students 2 challenges: First, I wanted them to check with the producer of the evening final concert to see if they can be slotted into the rundown. Second, I told them that I don't want to sing it. Rather, if they got permission from the producer, I want them to gather their entire class to perform the song, and I gave them a deadline of 2 hours to pull it off. As I watched the two of them ran off, I really didn't think they could get past our producer or they could get the graduating class together in a couple of hours.

To my surprise, that afternoon they came back to look for me after our second concert. With smiles on their faces, they said, "We are good to go!" One problem, none of them play any instruments. The only record they have of the song is in one of their cell phones. Again, something within me prompted: "Help them out." So I asked to listen to it. He held up the phone to my ear. It was a Mandarin song called "Wishing You Peace." I have never heard it before, but I quickly put together a simple accompliment on the guitar and told them, "OK! I play, you guys sing!" They were so excited as they ran off to tell their classmates...I wished I had my camera to capture their faces :-) I then found our pianist and told him what we are going to do. Poor guy, he didn't even have a chance to hear the song once. All I said to him was, "Ok, I have heard it once....just follow along....D Major." He said, "O.....Okay."

When I saw them on stage performing during the evening program and dedicating the song to their teachers, I was so glad we allowed it to happen. It was only then that I saw how important it was for them to give something back. The earthquake had taken away so much from them. It took away their homes, their parents, their friends and their health. In the year following, when they lived in substandard conditions in temporary shelters, it continued to strip away their dignity as humans. As I played guitar and looked into their eyes during the performance, I saw a pride and dignity restored. Not from what they "received" from us, but because they could choose to "give" of themselves again. Again, I was reminded of that simple truth: Our lives, our personhood, are measured not by how much we receive, but by how much we give.

It occured to me, upon reflection that if we truly believe "it is more blessed to give than to receive", this should have profound implications on everything from how we help others as individuals to global foreign aid policies: If we truly want to be a blessing, perhaps our ultimate goal should not simply be giving to others, but rather, giving to them AND enabling them to in turn, give.

Perhaps this has implications on all forms of giving as well? For instance, will this shape the way we do counselling? Rather than looking at counselling as helping individuals with their own issues as an end, may be the ultimate goal should be restoring that individual so he/she can in turn help others?

Looking back on Sichuan...

Last night our music team gathered and had a debriefing session. For myself, it was literally the first time I had seen the other members since I had gotten back to Toronto. Almost as soon as we got back together, we started FD-ing again without missing a beat. (FD is a term we were introduced to by Brian, our member from Calgary when we were in Sichuan. It stands for "Fat Din" in Cantonese which means "being crazy".

It was Mandy's birthday and members of the Sichuan team secretly made a video for her with different people sending her birthday wishes and compiled into one video. Needless to say, tears flowed freely as she watched it.

During the evening, as we shared about our where we are at after the Sichuan trip, I began to notice one common thread...basically all six of us, despite different background and age (okay, okay, 5 of us were similar in age, being younger, with yours truly being "a little" more...let's say, 'matured'), were all at a point in life where we feel we want to do something different, but unsure of what, where, when, or how.

Could this be a reason why we were brought together as a team? Not just to put together the Sichuan music project, but also to help each other as we each pursuit our dreams and calling after the trip is over? Is it possible that there will be something in each of our dreams that we share in common that will bring us together again?

I can't wait...