In my last entry I mentioned that during the darkest and most painful periods in my life, I have picked up different hobbies and interests which have taught me valuable lessons about life. In the last couple of years, I have discovered a new passion: photography.
The word "photography" literally means "writing with light". By definition, photography isn't about producing a nice picture. It is a form of communicating, a form of writing if you will. It is using an image to communicate a message. Sometimes the message hits you in the face like a stiff punch. Sometimes it wants you to slow down and ponder. Other times it captures a "moment" and invites you to imagine the rest of the 'story'. But regardless, good photography is about communication. While spoken communication goes from my lips to your ears, photography goes from my eyes to yours.
My interest in photography goes beyond the technical "shop talk" like focal lengths and shutter speeds. (Having said that, I am still a big sucker for the newest and latest gadget that promises to turn me into a Pulitzer Prize winner. Give me a break, I am a guy!) I got into photography because it teaches me to do something that most of us take for granted: Photography teaches me how to see.
Seeing, I have learned, is a decisive, deliberate act. It involves 2 choices: You choose what you see, and you choose what not to see. You make that choice by manipulating the lens on your camera. You zoom in and out to decide what you include and exclude in your image.
A few days ago I caught myself thinking of the past, about the way I was hurt by the church and felt myself sinking into despair. I happened to have my camera with me and I took it out to take some pictures of flowers. The camera forces me to focus and see the beauty around me: I saw the brilliant colors, the perfect texture and shape of each petal, and it occured to me that in this world of ugliness, there is beauty. What I see depends on what lens I decide to look through.
Here are a few shots I took that day: http://picasaweb.google.com/alfred.lam/ADayAtTheNursery
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Lessons learned along the way...
Recently I took stock of where my life has been for the last 20 years or so. During these past 2 decades, there has been 2 or 3 noticable "tough patches"; long periods of time when things were very difficult. As I looked back, I discovered something interesting: During each of these tough periods, the way I coped with life was to develop a new hobby/interest. And each of those hobbies taught me philosophical lessons that made me grow as a person. I thought this may be a good place to share some of those with you...
In the early nineties, I was dealing with a painful situation in my own family. During those days, as a way of escaping the stress, I picked up marathon running. There are a lot of ways in which running a marathon mirrors life. But the one lesson that has stayed with me and is helping me to this day is this: a race, no matter how long, can only be run one step at a time.
A marathon measures 26 miles, 385 yards or 41.195 km. That is roughly the distance between the East end of Scarborough and the West end of Mississauga. That's a long way to run. There are times during the late stages of a marathon when you body is completely out of fuel. Runners call it 'hitting the wall'. When that happens, you cannot think of how many miles is left to the finish line. The only thing you can do is to focus all your mental and physical energies to the most important task at hand: taking the next step. You pick up your foot, move it forward, and put it down. When you have done that, you do it again with your other foot.
One step at a time. These days, it is that training and experience that is getting me through the days. There are days when I wake up and I feel completely spent. I wanted to look back at the past and feel angry. I look ahead to the future and feel fearful and uncertain. On those days, I draw from my marathon running days and remind myself to just focus on one step, one task at a time...
"don't think about the past which you can't change"
"don't think about the future which you can't control"
"don't think about what others say and do which you can't dictate"
"focus on doing this one thing....for now."
I cannot tell you how many times that routine has gotten me through a day. One task at a time, one step at a time.
************
PS: After I finished blogging this entry, it hit me why the imagery of running has always connected with me as a metaphor for my life. Beyond the obvious physical benefits, the one thing that has always drawn me to running is the loneliness of the sport. As a distance runner, you log mile after mile, hour after hour, day after day, running alone. Even in a major marathon race with more than 10,000 participants, you are really running alone. I guess that is how I have always felt - alone.
PS-1: May be that's why the story of 'Footprints" has never resonnated with me...I have never seen that 'second pair' of footprints...
PS-2: If you happen to be running down my street...I'd love to run with you. Please...
In the early nineties, I was dealing with a painful situation in my own family. During those days, as a way of escaping the stress, I picked up marathon running. There are a lot of ways in which running a marathon mirrors life. But the one lesson that has stayed with me and is helping me to this day is this: a race, no matter how long, can only be run one step at a time.
A marathon measures 26 miles, 385 yards or 41.195 km. That is roughly the distance between the East end of Scarborough and the West end of Mississauga. That's a long way to run. There are times during the late stages of a marathon when you body is completely out of fuel. Runners call it 'hitting the wall'. When that happens, you cannot think of how many miles is left to the finish line. The only thing you can do is to focus all your mental and physical energies to the most important task at hand: taking the next step. You pick up your foot, move it forward, and put it down. When you have done that, you do it again with your other foot.
One step at a time. These days, it is that training and experience that is getting me through the days. There are days when I wake up and I feel completely spent. I wanted to look back at the past and feel angry. I look ahead to the future and feel fearful and uncertain. On those days, I draw from my marathon running days and remind myself to just focus on one step, one task at a time...
"don't think about the past which you can't change"
"don't think about the future which you can't control"
"don't think about what others say and do which you can't dictate"
"focus on doing this one thing....for now."
I cannot tell you how many times that routine has gotten me through a day. One task at a time, one step at a time.
************
PS: After I finished blogging this entry, it hit me why the imagery of running has always connected with me as a metaphor for my life. Beyond the obvious physical benefits, the one thing that has always drawn me to running is the loneliness of the sport. As a distance runner, you log mile after mile, hour after hour, day after day, running alone. Even in a major marathon race with more than 10,000 participants, you are really running alone. I guess that is how I have always felt - alone.
PS-1: May be that's why the story of 'Footprints" has never resonnated with me...I have never seen that 'second pair' of footprints...
PS-2: If you happen to be running down my street...I'd love to run with you. Please...
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Thoughts after the earthquake...
"If you go about looking for a God to fill your own 'God-shaped void' inside your heart, you will end up with a 'void-shaped God'".
Not sure where I have seen that quote before (It may be a paraphrase). But I find myself thinking about that a lot these days when I watch the latest news coverage of the Sichuan earthquake.
As I watch the incredible devastation and the loss of lives, it occured to me that surely, if there is a God, His agenda is bigger than sqeezing Himself into the "void's" of different shapes and sizes in each human's heart.
Perhaps the point of a life of faith or a life of calling isn't so much in looking for God to fill the "God-Shaped Vaccum" inside my heart, but for me to look for the "Alfred-Shaped Vaccum" in this world. A need, a space, that God is looking for me to uniquely fill....
Not sure where I have seen that quote before (It may be a paraphrase). But I find myself thinking about that a lot these days when I watch the latest news coverage of the Sichuan earthquake.
As I watch the incredible devastation and the loss of lives, it occured to me that surely, if there is a God, His agenda is bigger than sqeezing Himself into the "void's" of different shapes and sizes in each human's heart.
Perhaps the point of a life of faith or a life of calling isn't so much in looking for God to fill the "God-Shaped Vaccum" inside my heart, but for me to look for the "Alfred-Shaped Vaccum" in this world. A need, a space, that God is looking for me to uniquely fill....
Friday, May 02, 2008
"I see God in you..."
Yesterday I did my first speaking engagement as Executive Director of my organization. I was invited to give a speech on volunteerism in Canada to a group of new immigrants. It was my first time speaking in public in almost 6 months. Before hand I was rather nervous, it was almost like a race car driver getting back behind the wheel after crashing (alright, so I know nothing about driving a race car, but you get the idea :) ).
Almost as soon as I stepped behind the podium, everything came back: The feeling of being "at home". Feeling that internal "switch" turn on when I am on stage. The feeling of being "connected" with the audience, even though I didn't know any of them personally. Seeing thoughts turn into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs in my mind. The feeling was just as I remembered it. And it felt...good. I focused on encouraging them as new immigrants, and stressing to them that they can make a difference in the communites they live in through volunteering.
Afterwards many people came to talk to me, telling me they were encouraged by the talk. I spoke with one person after another, shook hands with them, trying to learn their names (It was almost like church!). But one encounter in particular stopped me in my tracks.
A spanish speaking lady came up, we spoke for a while, and then she asked me:
"Are you a Christian?"
It's been a long time since anyone had asked me that. To be honest, it's been a long time since I have thought about myself in those terms. I found myself hesitating, not knowing how best to respond. Finally I said, "Um...yes I am."
She explained to me that she is Catholic, and how she has been struggling as a new immigrant to this country. And then with tears in her eyes, she gave me a big smile, and said:
"I could tell you are a Christian. I see God in you"
"I see God in you."
Wow.
W-O-W.
6 months.
For 6 whole months, every night I hear the judging, condemning words that was spoken to me 6 months ago by those whom I thought were my friends.
For the first time in 6 months, someone said something to me that went to that same place in my heart where those hurtful words were stored.
For the first time in 6 months, I hear the condemning voices begin to fade, and I felt a sense of...healing.
"I see God in you"
Wow.
Chalk it up to another step forward.
Almost as soon as I stepped behind the podium, everything came back: The feeling of being "at home". Feeling that internal "switch" turn on when I am on stage. The feeling of being "connected" with the audience, even though I didn't know any of them personally. Seeing thoughts turn into words, words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs in my mind. The feeling was just as I remembered it. And it felt...good. I focused on encouraging them as new immigrants, and stressing to them that they can make a difference in the communites they live in through volunteering.
Afterwards many people came to talk to me, telling me they were encouraged by the talk. I spoke with one person after another, shook hands with them, trying to learn their names (It was almost like church!). But one encounter in particular stopped me in my tracks.
A spanish speaking lady came up, we spoke for a while, and then she asked me:
"Are you a Christian?"
It's been a long time since anyone had asked me that. To be honest, it's been a long time since I have thought about myself in those terms. I found myself hesitating, not knowing how best to respond. Finally I said, "Um...yes I am."
She explained to me that she is Catholic, and how she has been struggling as a new immigrant to this country. And then with tears in her eyes, she gave me a big smile, and said:
"I could tell you are a Christian. I see God in you"
"I see God in you."
Wow.
W-O-W.
6 months.
For 6 whole months, every night I hear the judging, condemning words that was spoken to me 6 months ago by those whom I thought were my friends.
For the first time in 6 months, someone said something to me that went to that same place in my heart where those hurtful words were stored.
For the first time in 6 months, I hear the condemning voices begin to fade, and I felt a sense of...healing.
"I see God in you"
Wow.
Chalk it up to another step forward.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A New Season...
Wow...hard to believe it's been almost a month since my last post. Well, it's been an up and down month for myself emotionally. Still dealing with some of the old wounds, as well as some fresh hurts and fresh pain. Work has been busy and challenging. But I am grateful for the fact that I have a job that allows me to continue to live out my life-mission of being a blessing to others. So, I try to go at it one day at a time. There are some good days, and there are some not-so-good days. But I hope that as I continue to walk forward, a day will come when I can finally leave the past behind...
As part of my new life, I joined a new hockey team! I am playing in a men's league and my team is called the Canlan Canucks. We play on Monday nights and the new Summer season is starting this coming Monday. I am really excited and can't wait to get to the dressing room to meet the guys. Hopefully some new friendships will be formed.
When I am on the ice, it's such a relief to be able to forget everything and just focus all my energy and attention on that little black puck. It is one of the rare times in my life these days that I can stop thinking about "stuff". It's refreshing to be running after something rather than trying to run from something...
Go Canucks!
As part of my new life, I joined a new hockey team! I am playing in a men's league and my team is called the Canlan Canucks. We play on Monday nights and the new Summer season is starting this coming Monday. I am really excited and can't wait to get to the dressing room to meet the guys. Hopefully some new friendships will be formed.
When I am on the ice, it's such a relief to be able to forget everything and just focus all my energy and attention on that little black puck. It is one of the rare times in my life these days that I can stop thinking about "stuff". It's refreshing to be running after something rather than trying to run from something...
Go Canucks!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Easter...
Easter.
New life.
Resurrection.
Hope.
New Beginnings.
When? When? When?
Angry.
Bitter.
Heavy.
Burdened.
Tired.
So tired.
Why?
How could they?
What's the point?
Want to quit
So tired....
Too tired...
New life.
Resurrection.
Hope.
New Beginnings.
When? When? When?
Angry.
Bitter.
Heavy.
Burdened.
Tired.
So tired.
Why?
How could they?
What's the point?
Want to quit
So tired....
Too tired...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
別問
一個人要走多遠 歷經多少滄桑才會累?
什麼地方才是家? 為了誰才留下?
一個人要想多久 歷經多少挫折才會懂:
不再輕易掉眼淚
不再輕易說:
"今生無悔無怨"
"用一生做誓言"
"為誰放棄一切"
我不再是我, 誰又是誰?
別問我的傷
別問我的痛
別問我的心中是否在流血
別問我是否心已碎
別問酒逢故人醉不醉
別問我的苦
別問我的悲
別問我的流浪是否很疲憊
別問我是否還有淚
別問魂縈舊夢對不對
也別問我悔不悔
什麼地方才是家? 為了誰才留下?
一個人要想多久 歷經多少挫折才會懂:
不再輕易掉眼淚
不再輕易說:
"今生無悔無怨"
"用一生做誓言"
"為誰放棄一切"
我不再是我, 誰又是誰?
別問我的傷
別問我的痛
別問我的心中是否在流血
別問我是否心已碎
別問酒逢故人醉不醉
別問我的苦
別問我的悲
別問我的流浪是否很疲憊
別問我是否還有淚
別問魂縈舊夢對不對
也別問我悔不悔
Thursday, March 06, 2008
The joy of helping...
A couple of days ago our organization needed to come before the municipal council to lobby on a critical decision the town was about to make. Because i am so new to the scene and am not familiar with a lot of our history, we decided that our chairperson would do the speaking and I would assist her. So I helped draft the speech, prepared the script, and so on. I wanted to do my best to help her do her best, so I shared with her little things that I had learned from my public speaking background, even little things like taking out the staple from your notes before you speak and how to fold up the corners of the notes to make it easier to move the pages (Go ahead, say it...I am a control freak :-)
I stood next to her as she spoke as a resource person in case the council have questions to ask us. And as she spoke, my mind was like a running 'teleprompter', seeing each line of the script come up, and quietly rooting and cheering for her. She did a wonderful job and the council gave us a favorable response. I was thrilled.
Afterwards as we talked about what happened, I felt something vaguely familiar...something that I haven't felt for years from my work...I guess the closest word to describe it would be "Joy". It was the simple joy of knowing that you have helped somone. In a heart that has been poisoned by bitterness and hardened by anger...the drop of joy was as refreshing as a cold drink on a hot day.
Chalk that up to another step forward. Gotta keep walking...
I stood next to her as she spoke as a resource person in case the council have questions to ask us. And as she spoke, my mind was like a running 'teleprompter', seeing each line of the script come up, and quietly rooting and cheering for her. She did a wonderful job and the council gave us a favorable response. I was thrilled.
Afterwards as we talked about what happened, I felt something vaguely familiar...something that I haven't felt for years from my work...I guess the closest word to describe it would be "Joy". It was the simple joy of knowing that you have helped somone. In a heart that has been poisoned by bitterness and hardened by anger...the drop of joy was as refreshing as a cold drink on a hot day.
Chalk that up to another step forward. Gotta keep walking...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Keep Walking...
Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight... U2 "Walk On"
I am tired.
Tired of being angry at those who will never know how much they have hurt me.
Tired of being bitter at an institution that will never change
Tired of waiting for answers that will never come.
I am tired. It's time to walk on...
I once gave a talk about life...I entitled it "What should I pack for the journey?" That's the question I must ask today...
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
I don't know where I am walking to...I don't know who will walk with me...I only know I need to keep walking...keep walking...Because that's the only way to keep me from looking back. The only way to keep anger and bitterness from catching up to me and erode my soul...
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight... U2 "Walk On"
I am tired.
Tired of being angry at those who will never know how much they have hurt me.
Tired of being bitter at an institution that will never change
Tired of waiting for answers that will never come.
I am tired. It's time to walk on...
I once gave a talk about life...I entitled it "What should I pack for the journey?" That's the question I must ask today...
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
I don't know where I am walking to...I don't know who will walk with me...I only know I need to keep walking...keep walking...Because that's the only way to keep me from looking back. The only way to keep anger and bitterness from catching up to me and erode my soul...
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
Friday, February 15, 2008
just walk on...
Today marked the last day of work for the retiring Executive Director of our organization. I have had the privilege of 'shadowing' her for the last 2 weeks, trying to learn everything about the job as her successor. She is one of the most kind hearted, good natured, capable and competent person I have ever met. I only regretted not having the opportunity to meet her sooner.
Anyways, the day was busy as she tried to wrap everything up before she goes, and leaving me with final instructions. As the clock winded down, the time finally came for her to leave. 10 years on the job, and it came down to the final moment. She simply handed her keys back, gave everyone a hug and some kind words and walked out with a glorious smile on her face. Talking to her these past couple of weeks, she had often talked about how much she is looking forward to the next chapter of her life. She wants to write, travel, volunteer and take on new challenges. What an admirable attitude!
As I watched her walked out with the late afternoon Sun on her face, I realized this is how life works. It doesn't matter how long you have been at one place: 5 years, 10 years, 20 years; there always come that moment when it's time to walk on...
After I walked her out, I went back to my desk and wept...I thought back to the day when I walked away after 17 years. As I did, all the anger and bitterness came flooding back like a tidal wave...and then I thought about our retiring Executive Director and her example. And I realize that's what I have to do. Just walk on. Keeping walking. Don't look back. Look! the afternoon Sun is beginning to set. It felt like it's been forever since the last time I saw the Sun. It's almost 5, which means I will see my little girl soon as I pick her up from school. I can't wait.
I've got to go. I have more important things waiting for me to do...
Anyways, the day was busy as she tried to wrap everything up before she goes, and leaving me with final instructions. As the clock winded down, the time finally came for her to leave. 10 years on the job, and it came down to the final moment. She simply handed her keys back, gave everyone a hug and some kind words and walked out with a glorious smile on her face. Talking to her these past couple of weeks, she had often talked about how much she is looking forward to the next chapter of her life. She wants to write, travel, volunteer and take on new challenges. What an admirable attitude!
As I watched her walked out with the late afternoon Sun on her face, I realized this is how life works. It doesn't matter how long you have been at one place: 5 years, 10 years, 20 years; there always come that moment when it's time to walk on...
After I walked her out, I went back to my desk and wept...I thought back to the day when I walked away after 17 years. As I did, all the anger and bitterness came flooding back like a tidal wave...and then I thought about our retiring Executive Director and her example. And I realize that's what I have to do. Just walk on. Keeping walking. Don't look back. Look! the afternoon Sun is beginning to set. It felt like it's been forever since the last time I saw the Sun. It's almost 5, which means I will see my little girl soon as I pick her up from school. I can't wait.
I've got to go. I have more important things waiting for me to do...
Monday, February 04, 2008
Reflections (5) A Better Faith?
One of the most loaded statements in the entire Bible is found in the Old Testament book of Habakkuk. I have always loved Habakkuk the man. He is one of those guys who won't take any BS from anybody. Not even from God Himself. He looked around, didn't like what God was doing, and demanded his day in court with Him. His eyes were telling him one thing. His faith was trying to tell him something else. It was in that context of eyes vs. faith, what you see vs. what you believe that God spoke these words to a pissed-off Habakkuk: "The righteous shall live by faith."
"Living by Faith", I have learned, is a dangerous business. An old English saying goes: "Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword." I have learned the same thing can be said about "Living by Faith". Few things in life is as painful as finding out that you have placed faith in the wrong place. When faith breaks, It doesn't snap into two. It doesn't crumble into a heap. Rather, it shatters. Those who have experienced a breaking of faith know that you don't just "pick up the pieces and move on." Rather, you sit there, and you pull out the shrapnel embedded in your soul, one at a time. It is a painstaking, excruciating process (think of Job, scraping his sores with a broken piece of pottery). It is a process that leaves you scarred, and changed forever. Eventually you move on: the pain dulls, the blood dries, the wound closes. But you are never the same. Part of you died.
For as long as I can remember, for as long as I have considered myself a "person of faith", I have placed my faith in a religious institution called the church. I embraced it, I poured my life and youth into it for almost 20 years. For me, believing in Jesus and believing in the church are the same thing. I have since learned that to be a deadly mistake.
I no longer attend church. I doubt I ever will again. My experience and the experiences of others close to me have shown me the hypocrisy that is so common in "institutional Christianity". I gave 18 years of my life, the most vibrant days of my youth to the church. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained..."
When faith shatters, you are left with two choices: You either give up on having faith in anything, or you get up, and start searching for a better faith. I chose the latter. I chose to believe again. I need to believe again. I need to believe that my life, with all its brokenness, can be woven into the grand story of redemption that God is writing for the world. I need to believe that God's goodness is inherent in the human spirit, and the world is a better place when we help each other to find that within ourselves. I need to believe that I am placed here to bring the presence of Jesus outside the four walls of the church. I need to believe that one day, one day, the anger in me will stop, the bitterness will subside, the raging storm will calm. I need to believe...
25 years ago I thought I had found faith as a high school student when I joined the church. 25 years later, I start looking again for faith....hopefully this time, I will find something "better"...
"Living by Faith", I have learned, is a dangerous business. An old English saying goes: "Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword." I have learned the same thing can be said about "Living by Faith". Few things in life is as painful as finding out that you have placed faith in the wrong place. When faith breaks, It doesn't snap into two. It doesn't crumble into a heap. Rather, it shatters. Those who have experienced a breaking of faith know that you don't just "pick up the pieces and move on." Rather, you sit there, and you pull out the shrapnel embedded in your soul, one at a time. It is a painstaking, excruciating process (think of Job, scraping his sores with a broken piece of pottery). It is a process that leaves you scarred, and changed forever. Eventually you move on: the pain dulls, the blood dries, the wound closes. But you are never the same. Part of you died.
For as long as I can remember, for as long as I have considered myself a "person of faith", I have placed my faith in a religious institution called the church. I embraced it, I poured my life and youth into it for almost 20 years. For me, believing in Jesus and believing in the church are the same thing. I have since learned that to be a deadly mistake.
I no longer attend church. I doubt I ever will again. My experience and the experiences of others close to me have shown me the hypocrisy that is so common in "institutional Christianity". I gave 18 years of my life, the most vibrant days of my youth to the church. "Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained..."
When faith shatters, you are left with two choices: You either give up on having faith in anything, or you get up, and start searching for a better faith. I chose the latter. I chose to believe again. I need to believe again. I need to believe that my life, with all its brokenness, can be woven into the grand story of redemption that God is writing for the world. I need to believe that God's goodness is inherent in the human spirit, and the world is a better place when we help each other to find that within ourselves. I need to believe that I am placed here to bring the presence of Jesus outside the four walls of the church. I need to believe that one day, one day, the anger in me will stop, the bitterness will subside, the raging storm will calm. I need to believe...
25 years ago I thought I had found faith as a high school student when I joined the church. 25 years later, I start looking again for faith....hopefully this time, I will find something "better"...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
new job, new beginning
Hi everyone! I just want to take a break from my 'heavy duty' postings lately and let you know that I am about to start a new position. I am the new Executive Director of a non-profit, non-religious organization that connects people in need with available social services in the city. Officially I start on Monday, but last night I attended a board meeting and was introduced to the Board of Directors. I am really excited about the mandate of the organization and their desire to keep growing. There are some great people on the Board. They are all highly qualified and passionately involved with the community. They warmly welcomed me, but at the same time were clear that they have high expectations. I am really looking forward to the challenge. It's been a long, long time since I feel this alive and excited about an opportunity.
After the meeting, I walked out into the cold evening air. I took a deep breath, and said to myself, "This is it. It's time to leave the past and move on." I hope to share with all of you new lessons that I learn as I turn the page to this new chapter of my life. Thanks for reading :-)
After the meeting, I walked out into the cold evening air. I took a deep breath, and said to myself, "This is it. It's time to leave the past and move on." I hope to share with all of you new lessons that I learn as I turn the page to this new chapter of my life. Thanks for reading :-)
Friday, January 25, 2008
Reflection (4): Brokenness...
Mother Teresa once said "You will never know Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have."
I have been thinking about that quote a lot lately.
How often have we been guilty of telling the world that "Jesus is all you need!" When we have never, not once, allowed ourselves to remotely come close to a place in life where Jesus is all we have? In fact, don't most of us direct our lives, our studies, our careers, our financial planning to avoid ending up in a situation where "Jesus is all we have"?
But, as part of the evangelical church culture, we do this sort of thing all the time. We speak about things that we have no business speaking on:
We declare forgiveness without knowing the pain of being offended.
We pronounce judgement on people without ever spending 5 minutes in their shoes.
We promise to embrace all people in our community without really knowing how difficult it can be...is it any wonder that people who are most difficult to "embrace" usually would not touch the church with a ten foot pole?
We really should stop saying those things. Really.
Because, with all due respect, we don't know what we are talking about.
Recently I discovered something about myself: I am deeply flawed.
(I know some of you find that VERY hard to believe..."You mean, he is not perfect? Oh, say it ain't so! For the love of God, say it ain't so!")
I am not just talking about having a couple of annoying habits ("Would you PLEASE stop leaving your socks all over the place??") or some less than ideal, but "safe" shortcomings ("I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer."). Rather, I am talking about being flawed and broken and corrupted and polluted at the core of my being. That I am capable of things that I never thought possible.
This new "appreciation" of my own brokenness has led me to a startling realization: As a Christian, it is much easier to talk about how God's grace is all YOU need when I have never been in a situation where God's grace is all I have. I would tell people to "receive" or "accept" God's grace in Jesus in much the same fashion that a doctor would instruct a patient to take two asprins and call him in the morning.
It is simple. It is easy.
I now know that only those who have never really confronted their own brokeness and ugliness, and thus have never really needed grace would talk about grace being simple and easy to accept.
You can always figure out who they are. One word betray their identity. That favorite word in the evangelical dictionary: "Just"
"Just believe it."
"Just accept it."
Those who have been to that pit where they have stared at their own brokenness know very well that when you are at that place where you really, really need grace, there is nothing "just" about it...
You do not "just" believe because you once did, and you really don't know if you want to do it anymore.
You do not "just" accept it because there are things that you are angry and bitter about, and like Job in the Bible, you want your day in court. With God and with others.
For all my life, my favorite verse in the entire Bible is "My grace is sufficient for you..." I quoted it often for others in speech and in writing. I tossed it around like croutons in a salad. Only now do I know how heavy a statement that is...when I struggle with my need for grace. When I wonder and doubt if grace truly is sufficient.
I have now learned I should stop pronouncing grace as if it is the easy magic pill that will solve all your problems.
May be our Jewish brothers and sisters have it right when they refuse to speak aloud the name of God. Because certain things are truly best left unsaid, partly because they are sacred.
And partly because we truly, truly do not know what we are talking about.
I have been thinking about that quote a lot lately.
How often have we been guilty of telling the world that "Jesus is all you need!" When we have never, not once, allowed ourselves to remotely come close to a place in life where Jesus is all we have? In fact, don't most of us direct our lives, our studies, our careers, our financial planning to avoid ending up in a situation where "Jesus is all we have"?
But, as part of the evangelical church culture, we do this sort of thing all the time. We speak about things that we have no business speaking on:
We declare forgiveness without knowing the pain of being offended.
We pronounce judgement on people without ever spending 5 minutes in their shoes.
We promise to embrace all people in our community without really knowing how difficult it can be...is it any wonder that people who are most difficult to "embrace" usually would not touch the church with a ten foot pole?
We really should stop saying those things. Really.
Because, with all due respect, we don't know what we are talking about.
Recently I discovered something about myself: I am deeply flawed.
(I know some of you find that VERY hard to believe..."You mean, he is not perfect? Oh, say it ain't so! For the love of God, say it ain't so!")
I am not just talking about having a couple of annoying habits ("Would you PLEASE stop leaving your socks all over the place??") or some less than ideal, but "safe" shortcomings ("I don't spend nearly enough time in prayer."). Rather, I am talking about being flawed and broken and corrupted and polluted at the core of my being. That I am capable of things that I never thought possible.
This new "appreciation" of my own brokenness has led me to a startling realization: As a Christian, it is much easier to talk about how God's grace is all YOU need when I have never been in a situation where God's grace is all I have. I would tell people to "receive" or "accept" God's grace in Jesus in much the same fashion that a doctor would instruct a patient to take two asprins and call him in the morning.
It is simple. It is easy.
I now know that only those who have never really confronted their own brokeness and ugliness, and thus have never really needed grace would talk about grace being simple and easy to accept.
You can always figure out who they are. One word betray their identity. That favorite word in the evangelical dictionary: "Just"
"Just believe it."
"Just accept it."
Those who have been to that pit where they have stared at their own brokenness know very well that when you are at that place where you really, really need grace, there is nothing "just" about it...
You do not "just" believe because you once did, and you really don't know if you want to do it anymore.
You do not "just" accept it because there are things that you are angry and bitter about, and like Job in the Bible, you want your day in court. With God and with others.
For all my life, my favorite verse in the entire Bible is "My grace is sufficient for you..." I quoted it often for others in speech and in writing. I tossed it around like croutons in a salad. Only now do I know how heavy a statement that is...when I struggle with my need for grace. When I wonder and doubt if grace truly is sufficient.
I have now learned I should stop pronouncing grace as if it is the easy magic pill that will solve all your problems.
May be our Jewish brothers and sisters have it right when they refuse to speak aloud the name of God. Because certain things are truly best left unsaid, partly because they are sacred.
And partly because we truly, truly do not know what we are talking about.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Reflections (3): Humpty Dumpty...
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
And all the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
Ah...one of my favorite children's rhyme. Knew it for as long as I could remember. Yet years after learning about the tragedy of poor Mr. Dumpty, unanswered questions continue to haunt me:
(1) Why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall in the first place? Who put him there? As far as we can tell from the forensics Mr. Dumpty was alone on top of the wall when the fateful fall occured. Where were the people who put him there? Why was he allowed to remain on top of the wall alone?
(2) If, and we are speculating here beyond the available evidence...but hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Dumpty had expressed a desire not to be on the wall, were the people who left him alone up there held accountable for the fall? Should they share some responsibility?
(3) Did anyone ask why Mr. Dumpty fell? Was it an accident? A simple act of recklessness or carelessness? Was he pushed? Was it a suicide attempt? Does it matter to anybody why? Did anyone even bother to ask before the mop up operation began?
(4) When the King's horses and the King's men discovered that Mr. Dumpty was beyond repair, what did they do? Did they just leave him there? Evidence seems to suggest that Mr. Dumpty was alive after the fall, albeit badly broken. Did they conclude that a broken Humpty Dumpty is no longer fit for their company?
(5) More importantly, did anyone learn anything from Mr. Dumpty's fall? Was anything done to prevent the same thing from happening again? Or did they simply put another Mr. Dumpty on the wall again?
So in the story, we met Mr. Dumpty, we met the King's horses, we met the King's men...of course there remains the most troubling question in all of this:
Where was the King?
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!
And all the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."
Ah...one of my favorite children's rhyme. Knew it for as long as I could remember. Yet years after learning about the tragedy of poor Mr. Dumpty, unanswered questions continue to haunt me:
(1) Why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on the wall in the first place? Who put him there? As far as we can tell from the forensics Mr. Dumpty was alone on top of the wall when the fateful fall occured. Where were the people who put him there? Why was he allowed to remain on top of the wall alone?
(2) If, and we are speculating here beyond the available evidence...but hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Dumpty had expressed a desire not to be on the wall, were the people who left him alone up there held accountable for the fall? Should they share some responsibility?
(3) Did anyone ask why Mr. Dumpty fell? Was it an accident? A simple act of recklessness or carelessness? Was he pushed? Was it a suicide attempt? Does it matter to anybody why? Did anyone even bother to ask before the mop up operation began?
(4) When the King's horses and the King's men discovered that Mr. Dumpty was beyond repair, what did they do? Did they just leave him there? Evidence seems to suggest that Mr. Dumpty was alive after the fall, albeit badly broken. Did they conclude that a broken Humpty Dumpty is no longer fit for their company?
(5) More importantly, did anyone learn anything from Mr. Dumpty's fall? Was anything done to prevent the same thing from happening again? Or did they simply put another Mr. Dumpty on the wall again?
So in the story, we met Mr. Dumpty, we met the King's horses, we met the King's men...of course there remains the most troubling question in all of this:
Where was the King?
Monday, January 14, 2008
Reflections (2): Stones
Stones.
They were the first things she saw when she opened her eyes again.
She is standing in the middle of the empty courtyard. He is kneelinig down, writing in the sand, seemingly oblivious to everything around him. She looked around, and there are just the two of them left.
And the stones.
A moment ago, these same stones were clinched in the hands of angry men. Poised to be launched. To hurt. To injure. To punish. To cause pain. In the name of Justice. In the name of The Law. In the name of Honour and Discipline.
In the Name of God.
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" the man said
Silence.
Thump. A stone fell.
Thump, thump, thump.
And now there is just the two of them left in the courtyard.
And the stones.
Meanwhile, the men spilled out into the streets.
"Hey, what happened this morning? I heard there was a stoning?"
"Don't ask me...I didn't throw my stone."
I didn't throw my stone.
Is that enough?
Is that all there is when we use words like "Community", "Forgiveness", "Embracing"?
When something goes wrong, terribly wrong with one of us, is that our defining "claim to fame" as a Christian Community?
"I didn't throw my stone. I am not here to judge."
So...what DID we do? What ARE we here for?
It's too bad the men left so quickly. Had they stayed around a bit, they would have heard Jesus' pronouncement of forgiveness: "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more."
If sin is communal. Perhaps they needed to hear it too.
They were the first things she saw when she opened her eyes again.
She is standing in the middle of the empty courtyard. He is kneelinig down, writing in the sand, seemingly oblivious to everything around him. She looked around, and there are just the two of them left.
And the stones.
A moment ago, these same stones were clinched in the hands of angry men. Poised to be launched. To hurt. To injure. To punish. To cause pain. In the name of Justice. In the name of The Law. In the name of Honour and Discipline.
In the Name of God.
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" the man said
Silence.
Thump. A stone fell.
Thump, thump, thump.
And now there is just the two of them left in the courtyard.
And the stones.
Meanwhile, the men spilled out into the streets.
"Hey, what happened this morning? I heard there was a stoning?"
"Don't ask me...I didn't throw my stone."
I didn't throw my stone.
Is that enough?
Is that all there is when we use words like "Community", "Forgiveness", "Embracing"?
When something goes wrong, terribly wrong with one of us, is that our defining "claim to fame" as a Christian Community?
"I didn't throw my stone. I am not here to judge."
So...what DID we do? What ARE we here for?
It's too bad the men left so quickly. Had they stayed around a bit, they would have heard Jesus' pronouncement of forgiveness: "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more."
If sin is communal. Perhaps they needed to hear it too.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
反思(1)﹕ 保護教會﹖
(註﹕在未來幾個星期我將會post出一連串的文章﹐定名為“反思”。這些文章記載了我在人生這段最黑暗的日子中問過的問題。當中的重點是分享問題多於給予答案。而我的目的也不是要說服任何人。我只希望這些問題可以激發起大家的思潮﹐能使用這blog去交流﹐分享﹐對話。也希望透過這過程我們可彼此學習﹐讓我們每個人的思想可以全面化一點。老套的加多一句﹕請多指教!)
****************
當傳道人“出事”時﹐教會或機構往往第一個"下意識"的反應﹐就是說要"保護教會"﹐或"保護機構"。 比較少聽到第一個反應是要保護當事人的感受和私隱。 當然﹐這也是情有可原。一般人都會想﹐既然“當事人”是犯了錯﹐他的難受也可算是“自食其果”。
但當我們覺得要從“保護教會”和“保護當事人”中作出選擇時﹐其實會不會在思想上已出現了嚴重的問題呢﹖
當我們覺得要選擇保護 "教會" 或保護"人"的時候﹐這選擇假設了這兩件事是分開的。這個選擇﹐這個心態把教會變成了一個跟“人”分開的“獨立個體”﹐所以我們會想要犧牲“人”去保護“她”。
讓我班門弄斧﹐從商界舉一個例子﹕假如明天你決定開始一檔新的小生意﹐從法律的眼光中﹐這檔生意的存亡和你的本人是分不開的。這生意的收入就是你的收入。這生意所負的債務就是你的債務。但如果你辦手續把你這檔生意變成一個企業(即英文的"Corporation"),在法律的眼光中這生意跟你就劃清了界線。它已成為了一個“獨立個體”(Entity)。它的生死存亡跟你自己的個人財產是分開的。
在我們北美的基督教文化當中﹐會否漸漸的把教會變成一個一個﹐跟人分開的corporation﹖
這是否能解釋為甚麼我們見到越來越多“教會增長”﹐“教會管理”﹐“教會發展”一類型的講座﹐但在這“增長”﹐“管理”﹐“發展”的巨輪底下﹐卻經常見到被壓傷﹐被遺忘的人﹖
“人”和“教會”真的是兩個獨立的個體嗎﹖
真的可以犧牲“人”去保護“教會”嗎﹖
再班門弄斧﹕在神學上﹐這觀點是正確嗎﹖
請賜教!
這段日子﹐不少教會中的朋友寫信來給我鼓勵。當中我最珍惜的是其中的一句話﹕“...想到你要離開我們﹐就像要看到自己的親骨肉離家出走一樣心痛!”
"親骨肉"...每次我讀到這三個字﹐眼淚就一滴一滴的流下來...
****************
當傳道人“出事”時﹐教會或機構往往第一個"下意識"的反應﹐就是說要"保護教會"﹐或"保護機構"。 比較少聽到第一個反應是要保護當事人的感受和私隱。 當然﹐這也是情有可原。一般人都會想﹐既然“當事人”是犯了錯﹐他的難受也可算是“自食其果”。
但當我們覺得要從“保護教會”和“保護當事人”中作出選擇時﹐其實會不會在思想上已出現了嚴重的問題呢﹖
當我們覺得要選擇保護 "教會" 或保護"人"的時候﹐這選擇假設了這兩件事是分開的。這個選擇﹐這個心態把教會變成了一個跟“人”分開的“獨立個體”﹐所以我們會想要犧牲“人”去保護“她”。
讓我班門弄斧﹐從商界舉一個例子﹕假如明天你決定開始一檔新的小生意﹐從法律的眼光中﹐這檔生意的存亡和你的本人是分不開的。這生意的收入就是你的收入。這生意所負的債務就是你的債務。但如果你辦手續把你這檔生意變成一個企業(即英文的"Corporation"),在法律的眼光中這生意跟你就劃清了界線。它已成為了一個“獨立個體”(Entity)。它的生死存亡跟你自己的個人財產是分開的。
在我們北美的基督教文化當中﹐會否漸漸的把教會變成一個一個﹐跟人分開的corporation﹖
這是否能解釋為甚麼我們見到越來越多“教會增長”﹐“教會管理”﹐“教會發展”一類型的講座﹐但在這“增長”﹐“管理”﹐“發展”的巨輪底下﹐卻經常見到被壓傷﹐被遺忘的人﹖
“人”和“教會”真的是兩個獨立的個體嗎﹖
真的可以犧牲“人”去保護“教會”嗎﹖
再班門弄斧﹕在神學上﹐這觀點是正確嗎﹖
請賜教!
這段日子﹐不少教會中的朋友寫信來給我鼓勵。當中我最珍惜的是其中的一句話﹕“...想到你要離開我們﹐就像要看到自己的親骨肉離家出走一樣心痛!”
"親骨肉"...每次我讀到這三個字﹐眼淚就一滴一滴的流下來...
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
給跌倒過, 受傷過的傳道者
您好!
最近好嗎﹖您可能不認識我是誰﹐其實我也可能不認識您。但我決定開始再寫blog的一晚﹐心中就想起您。很想﹐很想跟您分享心裡的一些話。
雖然我們可能素未謀面﹐但某程度上我可能也頗認識您...
我不知道您事奉年日的長短﹐但我知道無論是一年﹐五年﹐十年﹐或二十年﹐您曾經為了教會把自己100%﹐毫無保留﹐從無怨言﹐徹徹底底地付出。 一日復一日﹐一年又一年...
我不知道您發生事情的來龍去脈﹐但我知道您心中﹐您背後的故事﹐可能沒有太多人能真正明白。
我不知道您身邊的人對整件事的反應﹐但我知道您自己所流過的眼淚﹐一定不比其它人少。
朋友﹐是嗎﹖
作晚自己一個拿起結他﹐隨意地自彈自唱。無意中彈出了粱漢文的“七友”。唱到某一句﹐忽然唱不下去了﹕“誰人曾介意我也不好受﹐為我出頭﹐碰過我的手...”
“出事”後﹐聽過一些令自己十分難受的說話。 每晚夜瀾人靜時﹐經常在腦海中重複地聽到這些話。每“重播”一次﹐心中就痛一次。您也是這樣嗎﹖
後來﹐慢慢的想通了﹕自己受傷﹐並不等於人家蓄意中傷自己。 大家處理這種事情都缺乏經驗﹐而感到束手無策。無意中失言﹐也是在所難免。 再加上有時“言者雖無心﹔聽者則有意”。 誤會就由此產生了。您和我可能都有這共通之處﹕在您我身邊﹐“有職在身”要處理事情的人其實都是關心我們的。只不過除了“在私”對我們有關心﹐他們覺得“在公”﹐他們對教會﹐機構﹐組織...要有“交代”。我們可能不認同他們處事的“手法”﹐但我相信他們絕對是無心傷害我們的。 朋友﹐算了吧。不要再把這些事放在心裡。釋放他們﹐也釋放自己吧。
其實﹐昨天人家對我們說了甚麼話﹐已不再重要。今天﹐人家怎樣講我們﹐也不重要。唯一重要的﹐是明天﹐您和我怎樣走面前的路...
朋友﹐黑夜終於都會過去。黎明﹐很快就到。不要放棄...hang on....
給自己一些時間和空間去休息﹐療傷。如果暫時不想返教會﹐不要強迫自己。您已經很久沒有好好的為自己著想了。您以前總是把教會﹐把他人放在第一位。今日﹐是時候好好的照顧自己了。當給自己放假吧。但休息過後﹐記得要再上路啊!
答應我。不要做任何傷害自己的事。 千萬不要。我自己有想過。我知道您一定也有。 相信我﹐您和我的戲﹐最精彩的劇情還未上演。那裡會有人這麼笨﹐付錢看戲﹐未到高潮就離座回家﹖您這麼聰明﹐您一定會明白這道理...
最近時常想起“真阿Lam"的一首舊歌。下面把歌詞寫下與您分享互勉。 記住﹐我們都是同路人。少了您﹐這條路就會變得更孤單。咬緊牙關﹐提起精神﹐前面還有很多事情等著我們去做呢!
保重!
您的朋友﹐
阿Lam
莫再悲
莫再悲﹐莫再傷。遇到悲哀休誇張。誰亦要經風與浪﹐誰遇挫敗不受傷﹖
逝去的﹐莫再想。路正崎嶇更漫長。何用嘆息風裡望﹖寶貴光陰笑著量。
愁和哀﹐風與霜﹐不會天天都探訪。用幻想與夢想﹐編織那遠大理想。
斜陽好﹐花正香﹐跟那寂寞和著唱。歌聲一句句跳越屏障赴远方!
默默的分享﹐默默的欣賞﹐路上一切美丽况!
人生总会碰着悲哀苦恼为何流泪看?
幸运不希罕 热泪不轻淌 愿做真正既硬汉
何必口說快樂心中一個樣﹖
最近好嗎﹖您可能不認識我是誰﹐其實我也可能不認識您。但我決定開始再寫blog的一晚﹐心中就想起您。很想﹐很想跟您分享心裡的一些話。
雖然我們可能素未謀面﹐但某程度上我可能也頗認識您...
我不知道您事奉年日的長短﹐但我知道無論是一年﹐五年﹐十年﹐或二十年﹐您曾經為了教會把自己100%﹐毫無保留﹐從無怨言﹐徹徹底底地付出。 一日復一日﹐一年又一年...
我不知道您發生事情的來龍去脈﹐但我知道您心中﹐您背後的故事﹐可能沒有太多人能真正明白。
我不知道您身邊的人對整件事的反應﹐但我知道您自己所流過的眼淚﹐一定不比其它人少。
朋友﹐是嗎﹖
作晚自己一個拿起結他﹐隨意地自彈自唱。無意中彈出了粱漢文的“七友”。唱到某一句﹐忽然唱不下去了﹕“誰人曾介意我也不好受﹐為我出頭﹐碰過我的手...”
“出事”後﹐聽過一些令自己十分難受的說話。 每晚夜瀾人靜時﹐經常在腦海中重複地聽到這些話。每“重播”一次﹐心中就痛一次。您也是這樣嗎﹖
後來﹐慢慢的想通了﹕自己受傷﹐並不等於人家蓄意中傷自己。 大家處理這種事情都缺乏經驗﹐而感到束手無策。無意中失言﹐也是在所難免。 再加上有時“言者雖無心﹔聽者則有意”。 誤會就由此產生了。您和我可能都有這共通之處﹕在您我身邊﹐“有職在身”要處理事情的人其實都是關心我們的。只不過除了“在私”對我們有關心﹐他們覺得“在公”﹐他們對教會﹐機構﹐組織...要有“交代”。我們可能不認同他們處事的“手法”﹐但我相信他們絕對是無心傷害我們的。 朋友﹐算了吧。不要再把這些事放在心裡。釋放他們﹐也釋放自己吧。
其實﹐昨天人家對我們說了甚麼話﹐已不再重要。今天﹐人家怎樣講我們﹐也不重要。唯一重要的﹐是明天﹐您和我怎樣走面前的路...
朋友﹐黑夜終於都會過去。黎明﹐很快就到。不要放棄...hang on....
給自己一些時間和空間去休息﹐療傷。如果暫時不想返教會﹐不要強迫自己。您已經很久沒有好好的為自己著想了。您以前總是把教會﹐把他人放在第一位。今日﹐是時候好好的照顧自己了。當給自己放假吧。但休息過後﹐記得要再上路啊!
答應我。不要做任何傷害自己的事。 千萬不要。我自己有想過。我知道您一定也有。 相信我﹐您和我的戲﹐最精彩的劇情還未上演。那裡會有人這麼笨﹐付錢看戲﹐未到高潮就離座回家﹖您這麼聰明﹐您一定會明白這道理...
最近時常想起“真阿Lam"的一首舊歌。下面把歌詞寫下與您分享互勉。 記住﹐我們都是同路人。少了您﹐這條路就會變得更孤單。咬緊牙關﹐提起精神﹐前面還有很多事情等著我們去做呢!
保重!
您的朋友﹐
阿Lam
莫再悲
莫再悲﹐莫再傷。遇到悲哀休誇張。誰亦要經風與浪﹐誰遇挫敗不受傷﹖
逝去的﹐莫再想。路正崎嶇更漫長。何用嘆息風裡望﹖寶貴光陰笑著量。
愁和哀﹐風與霜﹐不會天天都探訪。用幻想與夢想﹐編織那遠大理想。
斜陽好﹐花正香﹐跟那寂寞和著唱。歌聲一句句跳越屏障赴远方!
默默的分享﹐默默的欣賞﹐路上一切美丽况!
人生总会碰着悲哀苦恼为何流泪看?
幸运不希罕 热泪不轻淌 愿做真正既硬汉
何必口說快樂心中一個樣﹖
Monday, December 31, 2007
重新開始...
8 個月。我最後一個post是在2007年5月1日。當時答應過大家﹐當我處理好一些個人的事情之後就會回來在這個blog再次和大家分享自己的心聲。今日是2007年12月31日。足足八個月了...
8 個月。這段日子﹐發生了很多﹐很多事情。今日的我﹐已經不再是八個月前的我。工作上﹐我今天不再是牧師﹐不會再在神學院任教﹐也辭去了我在不同機構所有的領導職責。家庭上﹐面對很大的困難和挑戰。精神﹐健康上﹐也經歷了半年的掙扎。個人信仰上﹐已經有一段日子沒有返教會。2007年12月23日早上﹐當每間教會普天同慶地舉行聖誕崇拜時﹐我竟然17年來第一次沒有參加任何聖誕聚會。自己一個人坐在McDonald's喝"悶咖啡"。當時的感覺是好孤單﹐好唏噓﹐真的好唏噓...
8 個月。我面對了一生最大的挫折。失去了17年來建立的‘事業’。放棄了一切。痛過。哭過。傷過。憤怒過。但今天的我﹐卻感到自己真的是成熟了。“大個仔”了。經過淚水的洗滌﹐眼睛也雪亮了。今天我看到的事不再是以前單單的“黑”和“白”。今天我所看到的人﹐不再是以前單單的“好”和“壞”。今天我看自己﹐已不再是見到17年來刻意塑造的“形象”。事情發生以後﹐謠言很快便傳了出去。聽到一些難聽的話。也知道自己聽不到的有更多﹐更難聽的。但這些都不再重要。今天我明白了每件事情﹐每一個人的背後都有一個鮮為人知的故事。 今天﹐我真的不知道自己的故事下一頁將會怎樣寫。但在今晚﹐2007年的最後一個晚上﹐心中起了一種已很久沒有感受過的波動。心中浮現了4個字﹕“我不甘心...”
我不甘心我的生命從此只會成為在教會圈子中的“負面教材”﹕“讓我們小心﹐不要像Alfred一樣..."
我不甘心我的生命從此變成了一個沒有信息的生命。我曾經說過﹐生命的價值在乎你和我帶給世間的信息...信息﹐不一定是在教會講台上發表的。雖然從今以後我不會再在教會中“講道”﹐但我相信﹐我需要相信我的生命仍然是可為人帶來有價值的信息...
我不甘心﹐所以我要再站起來。我要再上路﹐再開始。
因為種種的原因﹐毅然決定了徹底離開基督教的圈子。也決定了在教會4面牆以外再重新尋找一個真正屬於自己的信仰生命。做了17年fish out of water﹐覺得是時候自己找尋一個屬於自己的地方。在1月﹐我將會在一個無宗教背景的社區服務機構開始一份新的工作。收入雖然大不如前﹐也再不會有人“林牧師前﹐林牧師後”的尊敬待遇。但心中卻有一份無名的興奮...我希望這新的工作是一個新的開始﹐給我一個新的機會﹐把一個新的信息帶出來。
在未來的一年﹐我希望能夠用這blog和大家分享自己在這段時間對信仰﹐對生命﹐對教會的一些反思。我絕對不是要利用這地方來對任何人發出任何攻擊或批評。也因為這樣﹐我以後所發表的entries是需要經過小心的思量﹐避免自己的emotions使我說出一些傷害人的話。所以大家請給我一點耐性...可能要隔一個星期﹐甚至更長的時間才會見到一個entry。但無論如何﹐希望我所寫的能夠對大家有幫助。
好了。我也要去準備countdown了。在此預祝大家一句﹕Happy New Year!
8 個月。這段日子﹐發生了很多﹐很多事情。今日的我﹐已經不再是八個月前的我。工作上﹐我今天不再是牧師﹐不會再在神學院任教﹐也辭去了我在不同機構所有的領導職責。家庭上﹐面對很大的困難和挑戰。精神﹐健康上﹐也經歷了半年的掙扎。個人信仰上﹐已經有一段日子沒有返教會。2007年12月23日早上﹐當每間教會普天同慶地舉行聖誕崇拜時﹐我竟然17年來第一次沒有參加任何聖誕聚會。自己一個人坐在McDonald's喝"悶咖啡"。當時的感覺是好孤單﹐好唏噓﹐真的好唏噓...
8 個月。我面對了一生最大的挫折。失去了17年來建立的‘事業’。放棄了一切。痛過。哭過。傷過。憤怒過。但今天的我﹐卻感到自己真的是成熟了。“大個仔”了。經過淚水的洗滌﹐眼睛也雪亮了。今天我看到的事不再是以前單單的“黑”和“白”。今天我所看到的人﹐不再是以前單單的“好”和“壞”。今天我看自己﹐已不再是見到17年來刻意塑造的“形象”。事情發生以後﹐謠言很快便傳了出去。聽到一些難聽的話。也知道自己聽不到的有更多﹐更難聽的。但這些都不再重要。今天我明白了每件事情﹐每一個人的背後都有一個鮮為人知的故事。 今天﹐我真的不知道自己的故事下一頁將會怎樣寫。但在今晚﹐2007年的最後一個晚上﹐心中起了一種已很久沒有感受過的波動。心中浮現了4個字﹕“我不甘心...”
我不甘心我的生命從此只會成為在教會圈子中的“負面教材”﹕“讓我們小心﹐不要像Alfred一樣..."
我不甘心我的生命從此變成了一個沒有信息的生命。我曾經說過﹐生命的價值在乎你和我帶給世間的信息...信息﹐不一定是在教會講台上發表的。雖然從今以後我不會再在教會中“講道”﹐但我相信﹐我需要相信我的生命仍然是可為人帶來有價值的信息...
我不甘心﹐所以我要再站起來。我要再上路﹐再開始。
因為種種的原因﹐毅然決定了徹底離開基督教的圈子。也決定了在教會4面牆以外再重新尋找一個真正屬於自己的信仰生命。做了17年fish out of water﹐覺得是時候自己找尋一個屬於自己的地方。在1月﹐我將會在一個無宗教背景的社區服務機構開始一份新的工作。收入雖然大不如前﹐也再不會有人“林牧師前﹐林牧師後”的尊敬待遇。但心中卻有一份無名的興奮...我希望這新的工作是一個新的開始﹐給我一個新的機會﹐把一個新的信息帶出來。
在未來的一年﹐我希望能夠用這blog和大家分享自己在這段時間對信仰﹐對生命﹐對教會的一些反思。我絕對不是要利用這地方來對任何人發出任何攻擊或批評。也因為這樣﹐我以後所發表的entries是需要經過小心的思量﹐避免自己的emotions使我說出一些傷害人的話。所以大家請給我一點耐性...可能要隔一個星期﹐甚至更長的時間才會見到一個entry。但無論如何﹐希望我所寫的能夠對大家有幫助。
好了。我也要去準備countdown了。在此預祝大家一句﹕Happy New Year!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
為甚麼不見Alfred寫blog?
最近有不少朋友問我以上的問題...真的很抱歉﹐雖然是忙﹐但也不能算是籍口。其實在這段日子發生了很多事情﹐令我真的沒有太多心情寫東西。 但請大家忍耐多一點﹐我會很快再和大家分享我的生路歷程。stay tuned...
Monday, March 12, 2007
My Theme Song :-)
I have always been a BIG fan of Billy Joel who is coming to Toronto in April!!!! Too bad I can't go :-( :-( ...here is one of his songs that sums up pretty well where I am in my faith journey. Thought I'd post it and share it with y'all...
River of Dreams
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith, to the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something, something sacred I lost
But the river is wide and it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear, to a river so deep
I've been searching for something taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose, something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt, to the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something, something so undefined
That it can only be seen by the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night
Not sure about a life after this,
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of the truth, to the river so deep
We all end in the ocean, we all start in the streams
We're all carried along by the river of dreams
In the middle of the night
River of Dreams
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith, to the river so deep
I must be lookin' for something, something sacred I lost
But the river is wide and it's too hard to cross
even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find what I've been looking for
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear, to a river so deep
I've been searching for something taken out of my soul
Something I'd never lose, something somebody stole
I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is I've been looking for
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt, to the river so deep
I know I'm searching for something, something so undefined
That it can only be seen by the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night
Not sure about a life after this,
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That is runnin' to the promised land
In the middle of the night, I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of the truth, to the river so deep
We all end in the ocean, we all start in the streams
We're all carried along by the river of dreams
In the middle of the night
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
